http://brazilweirdnews.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/machine-dated-at-400-million-years.html
look we've covered the unfortunate state of events already on this blog -- people are jealous of our Tom (he's ours) and they've been calling him gay (tom cruise) -- now it has come to the writer's attention that the same is happening with that lovely and handsome lady ellen degenerate..... from tv's 'Ellen'.... please stop the hate people! don't call people gay just becoz you're jealous of their wealth and fame! you don't know what travails ails them, everyone has challenges to face and demons to master, so please stop calling Ellen and Tom gay coz you're jealous of them
anyway, what if you DO know some lady that's really gay? people are constantly coming to benji in his professional faculty as taxi driver and asking him to 'straighten out' their gay daughters/siblings/aunts, et al........ they realize someone who's 'sexy and knows it' like benji is capable to turning dykes into pussy cats.....
that's why benji is happy to share some tips with you -- stay tuned for youtube clips in this space, and in the meantime, get that gay lady acquaintance of yours ready for an 'intervention'
(insert benji - degaying the sheilas video here)
furthermore,
i see myself shooting a version of green day's 'wake me up when september ends' opposite ellen degeris -- it's funnier than big bang theory which is getting old and repetitive -- like a toy that loses its charm after 2 weeks or so.... degeneris and i are glorious young americans (with the help of make up) in our early 20s (like age 20).... we spend a few days filming kissing scenes... finally there's our big dramatic scene, i have to tell her i joined the army and she is really upset and frantic about it... God she is beautiful... they really did a good job with her makeup looking 20 years old like that, bit too much make up though and hopefully her frumpy looking dress won't frown on my career... she is so professional, and her personal hygiene is impeccable although there are a few issues with her oral hygiene, it's going to be so hard for me to work myself into an emotional frenzy and really hit my dramatic notes in the porch confession scene... i will have to remember the time i went crabbing as a child and accidentally knocked my dog off a cliff, god that was a pity...
see the original version of groen day's 'when sept. ends' here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU9JoFKlaZ0&ob=av2e
more amazing scenes follow, now degeneris and i are playing soldiers in afghanistan -- exactly 9 years after the war in iraq broke out.... there are some amazing slow mow montage scenes as we both go crazy gunning down women and children and men and basically anyone around us after our buddy tommy takes a grenade in the gut for us.... we roar into the night sky as the rain pours down on our upturned faces --- massive 10,000 watt lights conveniently shining over us and juxtaposing our blackened cheekbones..... you can hear the individual bullets and shells drop from auto fire as the slow-mo effect kicks in........ we rain death on the entire village and then say that was for uncle sam and bravo company and especially for tommy.....
then degeneris take a bullet and i have to perform surgery on her without morphine... bight down on this i tell her and stick a little faggot into her mouth... i begin stiching her up which must hurt like hell... then she sees me spot gibson who is about to shoot the afghani drug mule who i have secretly set up a deal with and i have to make a quick decision: let her see me shoot gibson, or let gibson kill my afghani drug mule, the latter will certainly mean lost millions as well as a breakdown of the heroin export trade, leaving the global market reeling for the year...
suddenly degeneris calls 'cut'.... you cannot believe it... it completely infuriating... the only thing that visibly betrays it on your face is a slight clenching at the jaw but you are furious with her, stupid fucking whore, how dumb can she be???? fucking unprofessional! not even a real actor goddammit!
'what, what? why are we cutting for?' the director steps forward and asks
'coz what's my motivation anyway?' asks degeneris
'ok look, you just took a bullet, you're in a ton of pain, alvarez is stitching you up, he's saving your life, now he's about to reveal himself as a traitor and you're gonna be crazy shocked, also, you're going to have to look for something to kill him with as your own life will evidently be in jeopardy once alvarez kills gibson and reveals himself a traitor'...
'oh, well isn't his character's name 'iron mike'?' degeneris asks innocently
unbelievable, how this druggy can be one of the top-billed a-list actors in hollywood is astounding, she probably doesn't even know what day it is or that we're in borneo -- what a dummy -- you think to yourself
'hey and we were just shooting a scene yesterday where we were kissing and then he was yelling at me and i was playing his girlfriend...' degeneris continues
'that was a different production, different director, different city,' you tell her, 'don't you remember? come on let's get this over and done with already....'
next we get the scene finished and we get about two hours break in the demanding shooting schedule as they are going to need to helicopter in some supplies which have to scoot over the tree-lined hilltops or something....so we just sit on hammocks and have martinis
delivered to us.... degeneris has arranged to have the natives put on a performance of the nutcracker for a sack of rice each... what obnoxious exploitation... she isn't even ashamed of it -- something about her mammoth arrogance kind of appeals to you.... you decide to joke with her:
'they could at least put a little spirit into their moves...'
'yeah stupid lazy natives, that's why their society's backward...' she responds, obviously not understanding your humor... then you decide to just bitch about the germans, that was always a sure-fired way to agree about something... but degeneris isn't interested in germans today... instead she wants her borneo actors to play 'love boat'.... 'ok you want extra sack of rice, feed your family tonite?' she says shamelessly holding a sack of rice in front of a serious native... 'go to wardrobe and ask for sailor man outfit --- s-ai-lor-maan' she says slowly so that the native will understand it with his pigeon english.... god she is an arsehole
'so what are you gonna do after shooting's over,' you ask degeneris a quarter hour later after the native borneo-ans were well into their rendition of nutcracker love boat to the latter's satisfaction....
'i have to go to maui for a while, my cousin's joining a u.n. peacekeeping force heading for syria and we're having a party for him...'
'what a terrible mess... the minute they start putting foreign boots on the ground there you'll see more suicide bombings and mass murders just like it was in iraq...' you respond...
'what do u think they should do then?' she asks
'come on, the choppers are back, we're gonna start shooting soon...'
'are you looking forward to our love scene together?' degeneris asks
'no...' you respond....
then degeneris goes on to warble about the upcoming movie 'hunger games' and how it will advance the cause for anglo-aryan-white supremacy and goes on to reminisce about 'lebensraum' for the anglo-aryan-white-master-race
'shut up,' you tell her
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lpds3V90VbM (simple plan - shut up)
then all of a sudden there's that james bond movie intro thing however instead of bond it's degeneris and there's that barrel of a gun and then blood..... next degeneris is all over a million cans of campbell soup like an andy warhol artpiece ... every you turn it's degeneris on campbell's soup... finally you run down some stairs and degeneris is coaching audience members to rip their hair out and champ in faux hysteria like oprah fans....
next degeneris is back in her seat on her set on the ellen show... she's inviting some shit-hot new york times bestselling author of: 'so you're a dirty whore, what now?' and 'i'm a dirty whore, so are you,' and 'you always knew you were a dirty whore, and guess what, now your daughter's one too,' to discuss her new book:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jQP0Y2T2OQ&feature=related (liar liar)
2 days later...
'hey helen, what r u doing with those rollerskates???'
'packing them! you said we were going to europe...'
'dios mio! we're gonna use a green screen! we're not leaving borneo, believe me, make up is gonna set up the green screen coz the production team are hungover and sick... do you have your shooting schedule? never mind...'
trip to europe: day 1 - germany
'hey so what's going on here,' benji asks
'we are celebrating sausage day... it is the day of the sausage...'
'is this like a gay pride festival??'
'no...'
day 2 - france
'look benji, what are those men doing?'
'they're dressing in pink and celebrating the snail king?'
'france is creepy let's go to spain....'
day 3 - spain
'why is everyone dressed like the kkk?'
'why do people with anglo-names want to bond together to rule the world... let's go to italy'
day 4 - italy - no wait, romania
'what i changed my mind... let's go to romania...'
'so today we are celebrating the anniversary of when romania was masters of the universe... let's have salami...'
day 5 - nordic blue eyed races countries like finland and lithuania, norway
'okay these people are your ancestors helen, you should love it here...'
'they don't even have anglo last names, what are they celebrating...'
'we are celebrating noodle day, it is the international day of the sugarplum noodle, can you give me something really gay?'
day 6 - brussels, eu capital
'that is why we should ban all of the t-shirt imports from china, because they will damage the fairycoat tribes of albania, we must stand together, all of europe for our albanian citizens....'
'so we will pay 10 times more for t-shirts?'
'yes or wear collared shirts only...'
'benji europe is messed up - let's go already...'
end of europe trip....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_QYmcUYe8I (snake was pale gold)
ET (entertainment tonight - not extra terrestrial HQ - Hollywood) - production office
'ok with the degeneris story, let's run first with the vision from castaway, tom hanks holding degeneris' head up by the firelight and screaming 'wilson' at it.... then we should show her relief on the mock mount rushmore... then we'll go with vision from one flew over the cuckoo's nest at the end of the movie where the chief suffocates her with a pillow because of her lobotomized state... then the beach scene where her thwarted poor southern italian lover screams at her while she takes off with her rich northern italian boyfriend....'
'sounds good'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siJlPtWkmzw&ob=av2e (air - surfing on a rocket)
ET main studio... leading in on 3, 2, 1.... go
'hi, i'm mary hart, tonite, how does a chronic black dick lover pimp her crib? we take you inside the home of sally, a whitegirl who swears once you go black, you'll never go back: the taps in sally's malibu maliboo have been refitted so that only black cum is, well, on tap.... fancy a pool party? how about swimming in a pool full of black cum? her loungeroom features exquisite designs by celebrated french artist 'yeah that dude' wall-to-wall black dicks.... sally what's with all the blackness?'
'well mary i just love black dick, and i want my home to reflect that...'
'so what's it like featuring a wine cellar full of bottled black cum?'...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfJZHdWmqKw (homeboi - where da at?)
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