what would happen if i had to fill in for that cock-suckin' idiot, david letterman:

insert sound byte: NOW HERE'S DAVE............

me: thanks for watching everybody, welcome back, did you buy some beef jerky?????

(canned laughter)

i would look at paul, then paul would say:

don't look at me dave

me: i'm not dave........... how was that 2010? i've just turned 105 and it's 2040 and there are no more animals left in the world -- the last one expired yesterday (drumroll/drumbeat for punchline joke/all animals on earth are now extinct)......... but when we look back on 2010 -- what a doozy, that was my shlut year paul

(cut to paul with his hands close together)

paul; (timidly, as always) -- your one and only fucken shlut year

me: yep, that was the year i showed the world i like to fuck around and ain't no-one gonna put me out of business for doing it

paul: damn straight

me: and now ladies and gentlemen, tonite's top ten unlikely immigrant parents of u.s. presidents: number 10, bozwa umbuko --- a giraffe hunter from zanzibar that accidentally migrated to america when the container ship he was working on off the coast of africa was hijacked by pirates

(canned laughter / drumbeat/drumroll for punchline effect)

number 9: chong chee won from china:..........