Jews for Jesus

Bert Schlom, up and coming movie actor, lay on his

bed with a pile of pillows behind his back.... he had

been cast in the leading role for what was meant to

be another great mel gibson biblical movie...

Schlom hated mel gibson, he was a catholic, a wife-

beater and a complete douche-bag, not to mention an

australian... but schlom realized that if he didn't

play this role, his career would go no-where... you

know how sometimes the film people in LA go to NYC

looking for NY actors? well this time they went to

Curtis-ville looking for Curtis-ville actors, the

only thing was, no-one even knew where Curtis-ville

was.... Schlom (who had long since changed his name

to Rock Solid) were it not for this recent fortuitous

offer would not have left Curtis-ville sooner for the

bright lights of NYC as he felt he needed to take

care of his ailing mother

when he got the call from the LA talent scouts, he

realized that this was an opportunity that could

completely change his acting career, many, many roles

would certainly come in after this, that was for

sure... he would have money to hire a nurse for his

mother and would be able to spend half a year with

her (AND his mother)

Schlom prayed to his Armenian ancestral spirits, that

they would guide him through the experience, that no

mean, manipulative ashkenazi jew hellbent on the

destruction and/or conversions of the sephardic jews

should make of him some kind of collateral damage....

that mel gibson wouldn't touch him or spit on him or

breath on him with really bad breath and that he

would be able to tolerate even being in the same room

as that nasty, despicable, son-of-a-bitch

Schlom sat back, and read his bible, doing more

character research for his upcoming role... he just

couldn't understand what they meant by 'speaking in

tongues' in the bible... his mind wandered away to

recall a great russian character actress, and a

technique she once used.... finally, he decided to

just continue reading a biography on Iran's

Akmadinajad... after a few paragraphs of that, he

wondered how he would deal with all the inevitable

attention he would be getting from the ladies... he

resolutely decided never to marry and only to date

for short periods, generally fornicating in a non-

committal, scattered way... then he wondered how the

characters from the bible, that he was reading about,

how they would deal with women and the PILL.... he

thought about having a special t-shirt made up he

could wear during interviews with journalists... he

wondered how he could transform into symbols the

epithet, 'horny slut plus pills = ticking

timebomb!'... he went our Bert Schlom



back in Los Angeles, ashkenazi jewish movie producer,

Ernest Goldstein, sat at his desk, his yamaka on his

head and his feet up on the table: 'Gertie, you can

transfer that call through now!' he called to his

secretary through his open office door, at which

point, a loudspeaker voice came over his phone, 'and

Gertie, close the door please!' he called out again

'Hi Ernest!' called a friendly voice over the phone,

obviously a friend of Ernest's

'Finklestein! Long time no hear buddy, how are you

doing these days, how are the kids?'

the two shmoozed for a while, obviously they knew

eachother somewhat well and were used to working

together...

'Ernest man, i'm telling you, i hate to work with

this Gibson guy,'... said Finklestein

'i know man, i know, but he's a tool we need, we have

to take down the non-orthodox jews and bring them to

orthodoxy or DESTROY them!' and with this Ernest

Goldstein slammed his fist into the table, which he

then stuck into his mouth as it hurt him greatly....

'do we? do we? so what if they want leaven in their

bread? so what if they don't want matza balls? and

you know that little thing next to your doorway

you're meant to like kiss your fingers or something

and then touch it before you walk into your house? so

what if they don't want that?'

'oy vey, this again? this again? come on you swore an

oath at the Secret Synagog'... said Ernest Rubinstein

'ok, ok i swore an oath already... what about the

puppet?'

the puppet was secret shop talk for the leading

actors... especially when they weren't big name

celebrities that could make or break an entire 150

million dollar production

'the puppet is completely under control,' said

Rubinstein... 'he's a little bit crazy, but he should

do very nicely.'

'okay, okay, sounds good, just don't go too crazy

about the orthodoxy thing, talk to you later ok

buddy?' and Finklestein hung up

Rubinstein continued to sit there, with his door

closed and his feet on the table rubbing his hand

where he'd struck it against the table...



scene 32: secret synagogue showdown scene

halfway through the story, there is a Secret

Synagogue showdown scene... many different jewish

sects are represented there: Jews for Jesus, Broke

Jews with no Cash, the Orthodox Jews, the Ultra-

Orthodox Jews, the Gypsie Jews from Way Back, the

Jews That Can't Buy This Parting the Red Sea Business

But it's a Nice Story Anyway, and the Jews that

Subside only on Alfalfa, to name just a few of

them.... the Jew David Letterman was there also...

the meeting degrades into a machine-gun fight and

Orthodox Jews in hiding with bandannas on are seen

bursting from hidden alcoves machine gunning numerous

other Jews... grenades are produced and a lot of

people are missed in the melee and are able to hide

under conveniently placed items that block 2 inch

long machine gun bullets like simple wooden tables

and find machine guns and grenades and rocket

launchers that they must have had strapped to their

legs with which to defend themselves