general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 88

after a few plays some of the soldiers watching and playing started saying:

'We don't wanna play with no serial killer,' referring to Osama Bin Laden.

'He ain't no soldier, he's a serial killer,' said another.

Before long, the spectators had organized some placards that read:

'No to cereal killers,' and; 'We hate granolas.'

Yet another placard decried Muesli.

Some of the Afghani soldiers and public watching started brandishing dummies painted with stars and stripes like those used in clothing stores called mannequins and called:

'American dummies shut up,' and; 'American dummies give us a break,' and; 'Go back to school American dummy.'

In this atmosphere, the game continued.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 87

the next day, the Black Rook arose and knew that his dream from the day before signified that he would die today -- but he wasn't sure if it was going to be die d-i-e or dye, d-y-e... he figured everytime he poured milk into his coffee he was dying.... or if a soldier spilt ketchup on his fatigues in the mess hall he was dying although not dying if you catch my drift...

in any case, while messing in the mess hall, the Black Rook got wind that some of the men would be playing fantasy football....... the Black Rook would captain one team, and Brigadier General Kohl from Bravo Company would captain the other team.......

the Black Rook chose the Red Hot Chili Pepper, Osama Bin Laden (who was secretly imprisoned by Bravo Company to be used as a propaganda tool by the military and the CIA, Randy Shorethang - a simple cook and a few others for his team.

Brigadier General Kohl chose his team (note that nobody chose Parker and Stone from South Park despite the two of them frantically calling 'me!' 'me!' at every draft.

The two teams walked onto the field and bets were placed on the sidelines. The Black Rook looked up at the sky ominously.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 86

The Black Rook completed his self-appointed reconnaisance mission amongst the Talibani Afghanis... he had ascertained where certain IEDs were laid and so decided to return to his base (after returning to military clothing). In fact, his base in Kandahar was next to Karzai's Kandahar digs. Upon returning to the base and just before changing clothes over in a safe place to do so, the Black Rook gave thought to the scope of the theatre's operations: the biggest deal was the big flooding in Pakistan - it would unstabilize things there greatly -- all of Pakistan had, in effect, become an economic refugee virtually overnight -- the discontent this state of affairs would cause would lead to more and more lashing out on vulnerable targets -- potentially even helicopters and airplanes. The Black Rook changed over his clothes and cleaned up a little at a safehouse and continued on foot to his base, now bearing arms. He had enough time for a quick nap and decided to lie next to the Alexandrian fountain by his base and catch a quick catnap...

he slept and began to dream he was in the days of Alexander the Great, perhaps because of some residual vibrations left in the fountain itself, perhaps because it was indeed laid there by Alexander himself, in his dream he saw Alexander visiting the Oracle at Delphi... the Oracle, breathing in fumes from the fissures below her and swooning in a trance said to the warrior before her:

'You will knock all dicks into the dirt, be sure.'

Then the Black Rook's dream morphed into something about Achilles and his being dipped into a river as a baby by the tendon by the heel on his foot.... this went on to a revelation that he would die in battle the next day.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 85

The next day, the Colorado police were surprised to find musical instruments in the lunch room at South Park/Comedy Central's studio where they had not been the day before when they were taking depositions. On the wall, someone (Ben Franklin) had scrawled with spraypaint (some of which had even spattered the drum kit):

I told you bitches to use the wild turkey, not the bald eagle, as the cymbal of State; motherfuckers

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 84

Back at Comedy Central's South Park studios, night had fallen. Leonardo and Michelangelo had left the lot after the military had kidnapped Parker, Stone and Kiedis: Michelangelo to follow through on his plan to check out the art scene in NYC - he booked a flight from Denver or Boulder to Newark airport and was currently in the air. Leonardo continued on in his van alone (or perhaps he had found company already?) towards Ohio and Wright Pat air force base where Donatello (also from the Italian rennacainse)still abided. The police had come to take statements from Karen and Martha and others there, and, as stated, night had fallen and the lot was empty and the building stood alone and dark.

In the lunch room where the TV on the wall that nobody watched played CNN earlier that day a flash in the darkness gave way to four time travellers emerging from elsewhere in the space time continuum:
had se
Benjamin Franklin,
Thomas Jefferson,
Wolfgang Mozart &
Jimi Hendrix.

The four had been playing video games in heaven and had seen Blitzer and King (from CNN's) rendition of Metallica's 'Four Leaf Clover' and arranged to flip forward into time for approximately half an hour or so to cut a better version of the song (than both Metallica's original version (and King and Blitzer's remix).... the four began unpacking their musical instruments which they carried with them. Upon making arrangements for the time-travel trip, the four had specified already on their Sega Playstations that they wanted to up their special skills, hence Ben Franklin chose to become an expert drummer, Jefferson would be a bass-guitarist and vocalist, Hendrix needed no extra skills and merely went about setting up his lead guitar. Mozart had brought a synthezizer and would be throwing in all extra sounds not covered by the other three. Finally, after some setting up and testing of instruments and sound recording equipment Jefferson looked at Mozart and the two nodded at eachother while Franklin began keeping a quiet beat on his cymbals -- of they went to go beyond where man had gone before them. Although in their own lifetimes, Mozart, Jefferson and Franklin were alive concurrently -- in fact, Mozart had naught to do with the latter two who were American Statesmen and busy readying affairs for the inscription of American Legality and Statehood or Nationhood for centuries and even millenia to come. No doubt Franklin and Jefferson had heard of famous musician and likewise, news would have arrived to Mozart at the tender age of 20 (by which time he had already achieved more musically, on a creative level, than perhaps 99% of all musicians before him and to come after him for many long millenia, such was his astounding talent.)

Needless to say, noone bettered Metallica's version of 'No Leaf Clover' than the version performed by these four: EVER. Half an hour later, the four had turned into wisps of mist: their earthly, physical forms had 'smokerized' like Jeannie in 'I dream of Jeannie' and their Immortal Souls returned to Heaven leaving their bodies behind.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 83

in the back of a plane flying within Afghanjistan, General Petraeus took a catnap --- during his catnap he began to dream about Foghorn Leghorn, the giant Rooster from the 1950s cartoons -- and the big dog.... then somehow the dream melded into a visit from Field Marshal Mathers (Eminem) and Bill Gates and Kiedis the Chili Pepper and Parker from South Park (but not Stone).......

'Cover your flanks,' said one of the four visitors.

'Yes,' said another, 'if you don't constantly check your shoelaces, you run the risk of stumbling.'

'Nobody wants to trip over and break their head open on an inconvenient stone,' said another.

'Cover your flanks,' said yet another eerie sounding voice.

And this dream was one of those that immediately causes the dreamer to wake up from it and remember it sharply.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 82

Parker and Stone are more interested in speaking French to eachother and fondling eachother sexually. Meanwhile Kiedis goes off to explore the ants... Parker and Stone realize Kiedis may be in trouble after hearing some disturbing shrieks from the ants and a cry from Kiedis -- Parker and Stone have a moral struggle whether to help Kiedis or just continuing to whisper sweet nothings to eachother in French while they fondle eachother's nipples -- finally, their conscience wins and they go off and save Kiedis from certain death... at this point Supreme Field Marshall Mathers descends from above in a helicopter to award the three men their pantaloons, Parker and Stone are in awe and immediately begin to grovel and worship before Marshall Mathers (Eminem) as they adore him and secretly hope to spend 2 decades with him in their geriatric years in an expensive old age home if they all make it to age 70. Kiedis does not want to wear his pantaloons or his sock (except on his foot) so continues to walk around naked with boots on. Parker and Stone are happy to have pantaloons to wear however Parker refuses to remove the sock from his arse and even insists on putting another sock up there despite getting blisters from his army boots. Parker and Stone are eager to win their briches next so they can finally win a real bona-fide U.S. Armed Services Medal. Upon saving Kiedis, Parker and Stone tazed one of the ants and scared the rest off and the three now have occasion to explore and learn more about the giant (tazed and inert) ant. Supreme Marshall Mathers (and Dr. Dre from the Red Cross or Medicines San Frontier) depart as quickly as they arrived without leaving their helicopter or without it landing -- Eminem's 'The Way I Am' plays as they exeunt.