http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MWFcfGi8QQ&ob=av2e (jessica simpson, take my breath away)
tehran, persia, president's palace...
various muftis, governmental politician types and military advisers attend a hookah smoking belly dancing party with various tvs and suchlike...
obviously not everyone agreed with eachother or held the same ideas in the iranian leadership... however, all and sundry were able to hold the peace enough to enjoy a smoke and some tea and watch the belly dancers and the tv screens and chit-chat....
'have you seen this movie before?' asked the minister for defence...
'oh my god! i LOVE that movie,' responded the minister for education, breathing smoke, 'leonardo de caprio is so under-rated in terms of his talent as a filmmaker -- he's not just a pretty face and an actor you know!'
'watch this bit, it's the gnarliest part dude,' said the minister for foreign affairs, 'the adopted russian girl is actually some crazy demented ukranian woman that goes totally psycho on the entire family'....
'dude shut up! you're gonna spoil it for everyone said the ayatollah himself, 'half the people here have not even seen this movie, what's wrong with you man! go and lash yourself a few times or something!'
meanwhile, the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes (CANKMWRGWYOTFOTE) chose an opportune moment to sidle up to the president, who everyday, contended with ever more fractured and disjointed factions,
'dude are we still gonna catch some waves tomorrow?'
'if the swell is good, yeah, but what's the point if the waves or under 1 metre?'
'okay cool,' said the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes... 'look dude, if we don't get a chance to surf tomorrow, wanted to mention to you right now... we need to back way off on our foreign policy messages and nuclear stance, if the americans eventually start a campaign of "limited" strategic bombing, it's not gonna be pretty, the entire leadership will dissappear and chaos will prevail, as happened in iraq and as has happened since in syria, egypt and libya...'
'what are you saying?'
'it's not cool, where we are going with all this, now the westerners are saying we're killing one of our own, saying he was a cia spy, better just to kill the slut hug'n'poopsin, deader than fried chicken mr. president...'
'kill her arse dead?'
'like a motherfucker, we can have a roast, stick an apple in her mouth and roast her over a slow fire...'
'what about the nuclear issue?'
'if we don't allow inspectors, chaos will ensue, it is pointless to issue hollow threats to the u.s. military...'
'let's first see how the europeans will get by without our oil...'
'mr. president, how long will be play this game of chicken? and what can be won by it?'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a49McFOFp0 (the beach boys - california girls)
next day at the beach:
the president of iran and the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes (CANKMWRGWYOTFOTE) go surfing
president of iran: i swear to allah, if that guy drops in on me one more time i'm gonna order his assassination!
the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes (CANKMWRGWYOTFOTE): well at least there ARE waves to drop on in
president of iran: look about what you were saying yesterday, you have no idea, do you think i haven't been studying up on my austin powers, dr. evil villain lair routine? do you think i'm just dotting the countryside with factories that can be spotted from space that the Israelis can hit?
the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes (CANKMWRGWYOTFOTE): the Israelis! those in-bred kikes!? don't make me laugh man.... i'm talking about the americans... you haven't heard of HECTOR?
president of iran: what's HECTOR?
the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes (CANKMWRGWYOTFOTE): HECTOR is a secret american weapon, it gets deployed by one of those big giant arse B2 stealth bombers, not the iddy biddy f117s -- then a parachute opens, as it hits the ground its nose starts drilling into the ground, it drills up to 10km deep and then explodes: bam! complete annihilation, say goodbye to your cookie factory under the ground
president of iran: that's bullshit -- HECTOR -- who told you that shit?
the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes (CANKMWRGWYOTFOTE): just wait and see, just wait and see... anything you can hide, they can bore deeper, anything you can bury, they'll be boring more!
president of iran: no they won't
the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes (CANKMWRGWYOTFOTE): yes they will
president of iran: no they can't
the minister for the complete annihilation, no kidding man, we're really gonna wipe you off the face of the earth with nukes (CANKMWRGWYOTFOTE): yes they can!
afterwards, as the sun set... the surfing leaders of iran chilled and drink some beer and smoked some blunts next to a little campfire roasting a boar on a skewer...
as the iranian surfing leadership hung out their wetsuits and dried behind their ears... the president asked the minister for complete annihilation what he was talking about the day before, about killing some american woman...
'yeah, yeah, remember how we got the sex in the city woman here? we killed her, had a robot skeleton covered in cloned skin, what was her name? sarah jessica parker? and we sent her back to america, a soulless robot under the control of our scientists -- and she went on to win more awards than ever and be recognized for her humanity for the first time in her life...'
'yeah wasn't that hilarious!' someone piped in...
'so what's the plan for the hug'n'poopsin woman,' someone else asked...
'well we send in akmed under the guise of one of those mtv video producer types who is an expert in making women look sexy in the rain for videoshoots... he brings her back here, and we kill her arse dead, maybe torture her a little first...'
'why not just kidnap her?'
'kidnapping her would be stooping down to the level of the cia, just putting a hockey mask on and scooping unsuspecting irrelevants of the street and bundling them into a private jet, we're iranians, we're better than that...'
'so how's akmed meant to seduce this woman?'
'well she's pretty busy, apparently she's some kind of fashion mogul -- she puts her label on some old t-shirt and half of indonesia is suddenly busy in a sweatshop making her millions -- it's really something else...'
'does she have any talent?'
'she can definitely sing, not sure if she acts or no...'
'how will akmed win her over?'
'same way he gets them all, just pull their hair a little, spit on them, rough them up, call them fat, and before you know it they're crocheting "please make this more artistic" with an arrow pointed at their fanny...'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWnmCu3U09w (2001, a space Odyssey theme music)
cut to image of jumbo jet landing, welcome to LAX sign at airport...
cut to sign outside MTV DIVA STABLES
inside MTV DIVA STABLES - Akmed approaches:
stable worker 1 talks to stable worker 2 while leaning on a broom: '...so this whore says...'
Akmed: ahem, excuse me... i'm here to take delivery of poopsin, hug'n' - for a video shoot in the rain
sw1: oh ok, come this way sir... mr.. what's your name?
akmed: akmed
sw1: oh yeah, i have that on my list here, she's at the end of the aisle here... let's go for a walk
sw2: 'my hugginy is killing me!' look akmed, it's hugginy downs, why did she ever take that tight green body suit off and stop doing those dance moves in her videoclips
in the first stall, a little filly reared and snorted, expelling air from it's lips rapidly... the threesome walked on some more and came to a zebra wearing a smurf hat
sw1: that's lady hugginy akmed
then there was a little black horse with a nosebag full of white wheat chaff
akmed: wheat is white?
sw2: oh that's sherbert... hugginy pony loves sherbert -- she's an over-achiever
akmed: what's that horse with the little calf?
sw1: that's huggy town ho-rse, and look there, see that crazy horse running around in circles, it's horsey hugginy
sw2: and that horse shitting in its sleep there, that's mule huggins!
akmed: and that one lying down on the floor there, is it dead?
sw1: almost, that's not actually a diva, it's comedian huggimi-down, she'll be used for glue and dogfood just as soon as she croaks in a few more moments, finally she'll be useful for something, if not in life then at least in death
akmed: and that old horse there?
sw2: that's the little old horse that kept on giving, it's old nag hugginy!
they walked by another horse that lazily swished at a fly with its tail, the sign on its stall said 'aguilera'...
akmed: five horses to a stall??
sw2: that's the pussycat dolls
finally they reached the final stall
sw1: ok akmed, here's your horse, sign here, here and here...
sw2: say akmed, you don't seem like you're from these parts, where are you from?
akmed: ah... western samoa... virginia...
sw1: western samoa virginia -- ok
sw2: that's a fine looking horse isn't it akmed?
akmed: it sure is dude, has it been fed? anything i need to know?
sw1: 2 things - take it out for a ride, but whatever you do, be back before the sun goes down, this horse will turn into a bloodthirsty vampire horse if the moonlight hits it
akmed: what's the 2nd thing?
sw2: don't have sex with it, it's a horse
and with that, akmed leaped astride the horse and kicked it a little and sped out of the stables and galloped across the meadow, soon the horse galloped along the beach, the foaming waves breaking against its hooves and spraying water through rainbows that glinted with the heaving, crashing sounds of the waves
after some hours of riding, Akmed decided to set up camp, conveniently, at a camp site.... he had forgotten completely about the instructions about vampirism and what not and merely built a campfire, without bothering to make the acquaintances of his new neighbors at the campsite.... he stretched his legs out before him and laid back comfortably on his bags.... what with the jetlag and what not... it wasn't long before, as the sun set, he fell asleep...
as you will recall, this horse was a vampire horse and would turn into a vampire as soon as the moonlight hit it... and that is indeed what happened, once the moon lazily rose and showed her dead, bloated body on the horizon.... merely reflecting the living sun's rays as she swerved in her dead orbit around the Earth....
nevertheless, vampire rules being as they are, not subject to occasional deviation, the horse, which had been lazily standing around chewing grass without the advantage of 3 extra stomachs like the cow, was struck by the moonlight and shortly thereafter, its eyes turned red and the breath extruded from its nostrils took on a steamier turn, somehow, its vegetarian chompers took on a more canine aspect.... it snorted, and breathed somehow heavier, and before long it sought its prey in the sleepy campsite....
'can you stop nagging me already?'
'but why don't you do it already?' argued the old campers...
snort... whinny.... brrrruuppppp lips running together expelling sound... the vampire horse neighed again and stood on its hind legs.... the campers were surprised... a bone-chilling scream pierced the night and the vampire horse feasted on blood..... and then again
some sleepers stirred in the campsite... came to with faggots ablaze.... snort.... hoof-falls on the dewy grass.... neigh.... chomp -- screams.... more dead people.....
again and again the story repeated itself.... a campsite full of now screaming, now dead souls and a meat-eating vampire horse easily overcoming its prey....
Akmed slept through it all and the sun span her course around her own goals while the moon rose and set and the dawn broke... the horse bathed in the river and washed the blood from itself and the vampirism passed.... the morning sun broke Akmed's morning sleep