my ideal movie -- continued

with no pause in the musical score --- zach de la rocha, displaying the typical

kung fu finesse found acceptable and thrilling to millions of university degree holders

the world over blocks, punches, jump-kicks, roundhouse-kicks and reverse round-house

punch-kicks a bunch of bad guys that queen elizabeth the ii has missed out on -- all

while singing his angry songs without missing a beat......... as the gritty, determined, almost thuggish beats of rage against the machine continue........ and while another cold, gurgling, coldly-blinking cod-fish bites into a worm laced with steel, a new player enters the scene, hugo chavez, with a cigar in his mouth a shotgun that he pumps with his arm out-streched by holding it mid-barrel --- texas chainsaw style --- and then delivering his trade-mark catchphrase:

'lock and load!'

to which he is always chorused by recently arriving iranian leader akmadinajad who chirrups:

'check out time!' sternly as chavez inevitably unloads a load of buckshot into any nearby victims entrails and mutters, 'this thing loaded?'

screams and whimpers of chavez's gut-bracing victims follow as they typically clutch at their painful entrails that leak guts from within.........


kilmer goes on: 'episode ii, mission i having been a success (flashback to hundreds of millions of half asian babies being swaddled and showing blue eyes and blonde hair abounding their asian facial features, mission ii involves, well, i'll leave to to akmadinajad to explain,'

akmadinadjad, nods, 'as you know, since president nixon held office, america has been the great satan, it stopped being a nation with a large population that was highly industrialized and organized and well united by cultural norms and an evenly balanced democratic government and judicial system, and mysteriously, almost overnight, possibly due to evil catholic influences or that Nixon himself was a representative of evil Sith forces'

at this mention of his evil nemesis, obi wan kenobi merely crosses himself, catholic style like a portuguese striker hoping to score goal number 7 against north korea in the world cup soccer....

akmadinajad continues, 'you know all those russian dolls? the ones where you open them and then there's another doll inside? and then another one, ad infinitum?' -- everyone nods convincingly, 'well they all mysteriously dissappeaered --- we suspect u.s. government involvement and manipulation....'

chavez piped in, 'basically, our mission is to recover the mission russian dolls -- all 20, 30, 40 or however many millions of them there were all the way around the world'

kilmer asks, 'but would those figures include the hidden 8 or 9 dolls tucked away inside each giant babushka?'

'it's irrelevant,' said obi wan kenobi, 'each doll around the world that has gone missing -- from tourist shops around the world -- especially in russia -- and doll enthusiast collections --- we have reason to suspect that secret u.s. government forces acting without the awareness of major public political figures in the united states government have implanted a secret object within the smallest, most innermost russian dolls'

'but how will we find the innermost russian babushka doll if we don't even know where any of the world's total of millions of russian babushka dolls have dissappeared to,' asked rage against the machines lead guitarist........

'we need spies, hundreds of them,' someone said

'lock and load,' said chavez, reloading his shotgun by out-stretching his arm and holding his shotgun mid-barrel and pumped a load of buckshot into a nearby victim who started screaming and pointlessly clutching at his escaping and bloody entrails

'checkout time! see ya!' said Akmadinajad

'this thing loaded?' muttered chavez