general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part vii

witherspoon woke up -- the sun was in her eyes --- the mountains around her sloped down to a dusty plains.... she heard distant sounds of a herd and children..... she lay at the dais where stood the bamiyan buddhas before they were dinamited by the Taliban..... she remembered not how she got there --- she started playing music on an i-pod she found on her person.... the first thing she remembered after mentally breaking out of dreamland where she was slinging a gun before a mirror testing her revolver gunslinging speed was something a wise frenchman once told her, that the bamiyan buddhas weren't buddhas built after the time of the Buddha but actually many, many thousands of years older than that and built to symbolize the differing ratio of sizes of the different races of men that were, like the cyclops and giants, and those two races, yet to come........

witherspoon arose, while listening to her music........ her memory came in jaded patches...... yesterday she was with a tribe in southern afghanistan near pakistan...... a Taliban, Omar Shariff, had given her a small black gadget and told her to run to a shack and throw it through the window - she threw it through the win-
dow

two minutes after she threw it, she had run well away from the shack, as Omar Shariff had told her, and a standard u.s. fighter jet screamed towards them and launched a bomb....

'engage target,' said major bevett to his wingman on the fighter jet called in by the radio waves of the black gadget witherspoon had tossed into the shack

'target engaged, firing in three, two, one - whoosh,' replied major kelly

'shack!, target destroyed,' said major bevett as he watched the small shack explode with the 500 pound paveway missile they had launched onto it

nice work ms. woods said Omar Shariff, then he looked at his peers and said in Pashtun: 'the Americans are gonna get a nice surprise when they find out they just killed two of their own,' ........... to which his peers laughed ..... they had managed to capture two G.I.s and tied them up and left them in the shack and then threw in the black gadget to call in a U.S. airstrike -- the gadgets were bought up from tribal villagers in Pakistan that were offered them by the CIA in order to assassinate bad guys

...............

woods/witherspoon, again alone with her memories at the feet of where once stood the bamiyan buddhas, began to forage for firewood and build a fire, she checked her revolver, it was loaded, she needn't worry, everybody in the country loved her, across a divided patchwork of relationships amongst different villagers and roving bands, all heavily involved in heroin/opium production........... she remembered another trying night, some two weeks ago:

she was with a Taliban crew in Kandahar...... the evening started nicely, roasting a spit pig over an open fire, drinking hot russian tea...... listening to a few rare strands of local tribal music, she remembered how during the times of the Taliban in the year or two leading up to 9/11 -- when Bin Laden had his base here, how music had been outlawed by the Taliban........ she was given a cup to drink, she tried it -- later, in the following days, she realized the daze that had come about thereafter probably was due to the contents of the cup......... Fatima Marshallah, the 3rd wife of Omar Musharriff had given it to her, she was sure Fatima was jealous of her as Omar Musharriff had started plying his amorous attentions on her, taking her one night under the moonlight, briefly ------- 'take this sister,' said Fatima to her, offering her the cup........ she put it to her lips and bravely drank..... in fact it was a mixture of Opium and the fungus that the Viking Beserker's used to drink before going into battle along with a tiny shot of rum smuggled in from Xinjiang, China........ later that night, after the spit pig fire... the crew she was with strolled a short distance to an embankment, after getting their fill of pigmeat, and took up positions on a ledge placed slightly above their target,

'commence operations men,' said the leader Omar Musharriff to his men

a long and bitter firefight began, Wood's Taliban were fighting with machine guns and shoulder launched rocket grenades, the enemy were canadians, at one point, Woods, although under the influence of drugs, was lucid enough to stay awake, walk around a little and observe the combat....... Mushariff came up to her from behind and put his strong arms around her and held her own hands on her machine gun, whatever ceremonial vestiges it had had until that point were gone as, with Musharriff's help, she blasted a number of bullets into the chest of a charging Canadian, all but making his body explode in a twisting and bizarre airborne gymnastic display

general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part vi

witherspoon slept --- in her dreams she wasn't witherspoon but elle woods -- the blonde bimbo lawyer from the 'legally blonde' franchise..... thomas jefferson appeared to her in her dreams and asked her if she knew what the strongest, most ferocious, greatest fighting animal God had created, for its size/weight/body-mass ratio? she didn't know......... the ferret, jefferson told her

general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part v

a month before petraeus' arrival in afghanistan in his role taking over macchrystal's leadership there, witherspoon began her angelina jolie like u.n. mission... she sat before a mirror in her quarters at bagram on site with u.s. special ops --- she listened to avril lavigne, fleetwood mac, and other assorted blonde goodies, getting into blonde character.......... in the large mirror, reflected were some images she had tacked up to the walls -- one was a giant image of the planet Saturn, replete with shining, glittery rings --- the caption below it read: SATURN/SATAN/CHRONOS and emblazoned on the rings was written: engirdles all with limits..... in the next picture was a porsche 911 on a beach at Venice Los angeles california, a speech caption coming from the 911 represented a Shakespearian quote: 'tarry a little, for the law hath one more hold on you,'...... there was also a picture of some president's desk with a pail on it and some assorted pictures of witherspoon with her favorite rock-n-rollers

witherspoon left her quarters in search of some fun at the nearby bar --- upon arriving she saw some soldiers crunk dancing to 50 cent music....... she didn't feel like staying for long so drank some diet coke and went back to her quarters.......

a special ops soldier had left a box with her containing recommended dvds, pamphlets, photocopied articles and pages --- the entire collection provided to her to home-school herself a little on the realities there...... she found one dvd of interest labelled: afghan insurgent combat skills: skillz that killz

she turned her avril lavigne music down and watched the dvd --- it showed an attack filmed by afghani rebels -- she couldn't understand what they were saying but it was subtitled in english....... very apparently they were attacking a small u.s. outpost -- the documentation included with the dvd stated that there were only 15 u.s. soldiers stationed there.... she was very impressed by the strength of their attack --- whizz whizz -- loud whizzing sounds followed by an artistic wisp of blue smoke and two rockets from two afghanis shouldering rocket launchers and crying in afghani: bring up arms to bear........ she watched the rockets wizz across the screen and then hit the u.s. outpost, bam! 'shack!' cried one afghani rocket man, apparently speaking in english -- and then, 'shack!' cried the other afghani man as his rocket closely followed and hit its target........... trrrrrrr trrrrrrrrr trrrrrrrrr ....... machine gun bullets flew from half a dozen afghanis a little lower down a slope from the cameraman or woman filming them --- their bullets too were aimed at the outpost across a short valley.......... witherspoon went on reading the documentation provided: the entire outpost was destroyed, all u.s. soldiers present were executed or died in battle.......

a knock on her door, and a voice from special ops: witherspoon, be sure to get enough sleep tonight, tomorrow is gonna be a big day for you

general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part iv

in response to general petraeus' question about the possibility of an englishman in the 1960s to drive through afghanistan on his way to india, a lone female voice was heard responding,

'that depends on whether his van was painted pink or not,' the speaker spoke as she stepped closer and closer towards the podium where general petraeus spoke -- it was none other than reese witherspoon, resplendant in pink khakis, a pink kevlar bulletproof vest and a pink helmet, pink boots and a pink machinegun and an american flag embroidered by her arm with pink bars.......

'ladies and gentlemen,' started up again petraeus, 'you will recall that some months ago, or according to a u.n. resolution, depending on your sexuality, we agreed, with president karzhai and dumbledoore and the afghani leadership, to appoint an american attache to the afghani government to act not as an imposer of authority but a listener, an observer, an impartial arbitrator........ the afghanis, having been offered the services of neil armstrong, yuri geller, bobby fisher (before he died), nancy reagan, and many others, insisted on the blonde bimbo lady from the legally blonde movies, (the crowd chuckles), if you recall, they didn't even want reece witherspoon, just the blonde bimbo from the legally blonde movie, for some reason, who would have thunk it, they just love that character in this land..........

'only too true, general,' said witherspoon acting in the character of her california surfer-girl valley-girl blonde bimbo from her 'legally blonde' franchise,' witherspoon produced a pink pointer from somewhere and removed her helmet and directed her pretty white face to her audience and recommenced her bimbo talk and bimbo accent and bimbo demeanour from the 'legally blonde' franchise, 'ladies and gentlemen, esteemed dignitaries, vice-president biden.... colonels, generals, i feel so overwhelmed by some of the people here today, but i want you to know i've been away the entire past month all over afghanistan from kandahar to kabul, rubbing shoulders with some of the meanest, baddest souls in this land,'

witherspoon flashes up photo number one:

'oh my God! june 1st, my first day with the tribal leaders of kandahar province, our armies special ops soldiers left me alone by the city outskirts by arrangement and i was picked up by these guys -- i was pretty scared, i can tell you, i was sure i had broken a fingernail and i had to cut short a conversation with my mom back in malibu, but it was all worth it i suppose. mohammed (peace be upon him) omar sharif took me out to some nearby plantations and told me about how his village's economy works.... at one point he started setting up an IED -- at first i wasn't sure what he was doing, i thought maybe he was wrapping up a christmas present to send to Somalia -- but then i saw he put a big shiny IED sticker on it, so i said to him, mohammed (peace be upon him), you're not going to set that up against our boys from the gool old pink, white and blue? and, oh my god, he said yes! and i was like, but mohammed, how can you do that? that is so mean! what if you kill bobby greenfield? he's just adorable and i've arranged to send cookies to his sister in alabama! why don't we just have a shake and bake instead?'

witherspoon clicks over to picture number 2

'so here you can see we're having a shake and bake and if you look hard enough, you can see the IED in the dumpster behind us,'

the audience murmurs and surprisedly comes to this very same conclusion.....

general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part iii

Petreus: okay now where's that remote -- let me just put this gosh-darned song on 'blue shadows' it's just a beautiful song

Joe Biden: oh that's a wonderful song

military intelligence attache Englund: sir, if i may, it wasn't dusty springfield, chevy chase's character, that was challenged to a gunslinging duel by the german that used to worship him and later felt disillusioned and disgusted by his own worship and uncomfortable awareness of his own gunslinging mastery, it was martin short's character: Ned --- hence the difficulty with the overly large arm to bear -- Ned preferred a teeny-tiny pistol more suited to his effeminate body and persona

Petreus: right, well anyway, look, down to brass tacks --- although it's generally unstated -- our general over-riding mission statement since 9/11 here in afghanistan was to prevent another attack on american land or territory originating from a training camp or some such thing here in afghanistan..... other projects like developing afghanistan's mining industry -- there's no concerted vision and drive to make that happen...... if anything, this rolling stone mishap with the subsequent forced-retirement of general macchrystal only serves to highlight the nature of wars fought by democracies.... this is not alexander's never-ending series of conquests ...... a lot of you soldiers will not dedicate more than a couple of years of your lives to service outside the states.... but the local population were here before we arrived and will be here after we leave....... part of the 9/11 attacks originating from afghanistan theory subscribes that this is a population that has seen war for decades, but let me ask you this, is it possible that an english-man with a van in the 1960s could have driven from england to india non-stop with safe passage through afghanistan?

general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part ii

petreus: continuing people (he speaks as the my little buttercup video continues on loop behind him with the volume down and images of alexander the great and his battles simultaneously flash onto the screen)

gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen of the not-so-left-wing media (his audience now chuckles at his allusion to the rolling stone article to led him to take over the posting in afghanistan) --- this is not a series of wars of conquest like alexander's were.... the only simularity is the diffusion and change of cultural elements through military force --- as a democracy led by a moderate dictatorship in the form of the presidency, our previous leader led us and kept us here, however there is only so much a democracy can bear in terms of war -- we saw that with iraq...... here we are essentially unable to change the fabric of the society here, unlike in iraq where we created a massive vacuum by decapitating the leadership which led to a river of blood and the more or less stable democracy we have there now --- but here in afghanistan we have tried to pay the local populace to grow avocados instead of the opium poppy

who here likes avocados?

colonel zubarik of gamma brigade raises his hand: i love them sir

petreus: they are delicious, i adore them with melted cheese and seeded bread myself -- now i want you to watch another scene from the 'three amigos' because i feel it's what alexander would have wanted

(petreus shows them the scene where the germans challenge the three amigos gunslinging abilities, in the scene, a german gunslinging expert recounts how he used to worship dusty springfield's gunslinging abilities but then learnt about special effects and film-making procedures and came to the conclusion that dusty springfield was just a big fraud -- dusty springfield becomes indignified at this point and insists that his gunslinging exploits were real and not doctored by modern technology at which point the germans allies the mexicans thrust an overly large gun onto dusty springfield that is too large for his body/mass ratio - an arm he cannot hope to bear well --- which the indignant german doesn't seem to care about)

petreus: watch that people, and tell me what you think -- let's brainstorm here

lyndley englund, a military intelligence attache raises her hand: sir, it comes to mind that both actors in the my little buttercup scene have the name martin in their names

(before petreus can respond another hand shoots up)

sergeant-major barrack squad squat delta sir, sir, if i may, what you mentioned about alexander's campaigns and profusion of culture and cross-cultural fertilization, i served 3 tours in iraq sir and american movies and culture is much more prevalent there than here sir --- sir the local population i would hazard to say are the most disinterested in western culture while at the same time indirectly most overbearing on it in terms of their heroin export -- sir 80% of england's heroin comes from right here sir

general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan

bagram, air force hangar --- small meeting of high ranked soldiers in afghanistan and
visiting u.s. dignitaries including joe biden and media....

general petreus: hi everyone -- how was the ice scream, (laughs to no response from audience which leads to awkward silence)

the blonde newsreader from abc news; (in an aside to her producer) just edit that bit out

petreus: ladies and gentlemen, soldiers of 1st battalion..... many of you are west point graduates and you would recall your training at times from west point including the battles of alexander the great...... today we face a hostile populace with ever-shifting alliances that we are caught out in a nine-year long peacekeeping mission.... we find ourselves forced to pay extortion money to taliban heavies....... our hands are tied in terms of causing collateral damage hence we cannot merely carpet bomb our enemies as women and children would die........... meanwhile we work in a mountainous economy worth 3 billion dollars a year based solely on the opium poppy which is moved north to russia or south to pakistan for export........ we realize that this land's true economic potential lies, in the future we would imagine, in mining and exploiting precious metals found here...... however we face a population that knows nothing of mining and everything of a heroin-export business...............

nine years people -- i ask you: what would alexander the great do at this point?

(fiddles with remote control to lower screen down) --- i ask you to watch the following excerpt from a movie called 'the three amigos' from the 1980s --- i call the excerpt 'my little buttercup'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Mw9F5zawRQ

please watch...... (afterwards)

(petreus continues) -- okay, you've seen the excerpt -- i want you to remember your west point training and think back to the times of alexander --- of course the nearest thing to an engine in those days was horse or elephant driven, but recall that alexander fought on many different terrains, including afghanistan........ what do you see in the 'my little buttercup' excerpt that reminds you of the challenges we currently face?

major tomlinson, tank unit master-sergeant: sir, i serve in a tank-unit, i would say that we don't get to use our tanks enough as we are facing an insurgency based and protected by a delicate civilian population which we do not wish to annihilate, sir i would say that the hostile mexicans in the movie clip correspond to the taliban and population in general

petreus: excellent observation tomlinson, the local populace is hostile to us, let's not kid ourselves.... just like in the video clip it's hard to tell who is active in el guapo's army and who is just an un-assuming citizen not directly enmeshed in military and violent ventures......... what else do you see?

corporal brooks - bravo company: sir these men are singing about their sweethearts, many of us are far from our sweethearts

petreus: that is true, but in alexander's day they marched on india via afghanistan and they had no jet planes to return to and spend a couple of weeks with their sweethearts

corporal brooks (looks around bashfully)--- sir, yessir