in response to general petraeus' question about the possibility of an englishman in the 1960s to drive through afghanistan on his way to india, a lone female voice was heard responding,
'that depends on whether his van was painted pink or not,' the speaker spoke as she stepped closer and closer towards the podium where general petraeus spoke -- it was none other than reese witherspoon, resplendant in pink khakis, a pink kevlar bulletproof vest and a pink helmet, pink boots and a pink machinegun and an american flag embroidered by her arm with pink bars.......
'ladies and gentlemen,' started up again petraeus, 'you will recall that some months ago, or according to a u.n. resolution, depending on your sexuality, we agreed, with president karzhai and dumbledoore and the afghani leadership, to appoint an american attache to the afghani government to act not as an imposer of authority but a listener, an observer, an impartial arbitrator........ the afghanis, having been offered the services of neil armstrong, yuri geller, bobby fisher (before he died), nancy reagan, and many others, insisted on the blonde bimbo lady from the legally blonde movies, (the crowd chuckles), if you recall, they didn't even want reece witherspoon, just the blonde bimbo from the legally blonde movie, for some reason, who would have thunk it, they just love that character in this land..........
'only too true, general,' said witherspoon acting in the character of her california surfer-girl valley-girl blonde bimbo from her 'legally blonde' franchise,' witherspoon produced a pink pointer from somewhere and removed her helmet and directed her pretty white face to her audience and recommenced her bimbo talk and bimbo accent and bimbo demeanour from the 'legally blonde' franchise, 'ladies and gentlemen, esteemed dignitaries, vice-president biden.... colonels, generals, i feel so overwhelmed by some of the people here today, but i want you to know i've been away the entire past month all over afghanistan from kandahar to kabul, rubbing shoulders with some of the meanest, baddest souls in this land,'
witherspoon flashes up photo number one:
'oh my God! june 1st, my first day with the tribal leaders of kandahar province, our armies special ops soldiers left me alone by the city outskirts by arrangement and i was picked up by these guys -- i was pretty scared, i can tell you, i was sure i had broken a fingernail and i had to cut short a conversation with my mom back in malibu, but it was all worth it i suppose. mohammed (peace be upon him) omar sharif took me out to some nearby plantations and told me about how his village's economy works.... at one point he started setting up an IED -- at first i wasn't sure what he was doing, i thought maybe he was wrapping up a christmas present to send to Somalia -- but then i saw he put a big shiny IED sticker on it, so i said to him, mohammed (peace be upon him), you're not going to set that up against our boys from the gool old pink, white and blue? and, oh my god, he said yes! and i was like, but mohammed, how can you do that? that is so mean! what if you kill bobby greenfield? he's just adorable and i've arranged to send cookies to his sister in alabama! why don't we just have a shake and bake instead?'
witherspoon clicks over to picture number 2
'so here you can see we're having a shake and bake and if you look hard enough, you can see the IED in the dumpster behind us,'
the audience murmurs and surprisedly comes to this very same conclusion.....
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