Beethoven held a casting/pre-production meeting with his producers, who, you would recall, were sneakily swapped around -- so that instead of being maverick Southern Californian film and tv producers (who in fact were working now with Putin on a reality TV show) were Russian govt. stalwarts posing as producers, the casting meeting
went thus:
"Look Mr. Beethoven, you want make movie about Spanish Armada, great! Big ships, guns, cannons, violence, racy, dialog, aight?" said the Russians.
"Aight, aight," responded Beethoven testily.
"Ok, you need big stars, this is how you sell movie, with big-name actors, you need Johnny Depp - he is a great with old ships like that - he was a pirate, and look at this guy," said the Russians and forwarded a photograph from their secret classified dossiers, it was a photograph of Christian Bale taken secretly by the former KGB in NYC, "this guy you must have him."
"Why?" said Beethoven, "who is he? what is his talent?"
"Ok," this guy is very talented, "he can drink more vodka than the men in Russia, so great talent, also he can keep Colombia in business until end of this 21st century!" said the Russian and made a snorting motion to Beethoven with his nose.
"What kind of a talent is that?" asked Beethoven.
"Yeah, come on, Beethoven, get with the game, this isn't about talent, but just dumb luck and druggie sluts everywhere with cool sounding names -- in Hollywood, cool-sounding name and good looks and a bit of Meisner technique is everything."
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 149
On O'Reilly, the body language lady and O'Reilly moved on to analyze some leaked footage from Wikileaks about a terrorist rendition carried out in Estonia in 2004 at a reconverted chocolate factory in secret with the secret knowledge of the Estonian govt. who received kickbacks from the CIA and permission for secret U.S. flight to come in and out of their airports....
in the leaked footage a terrorist was shown with some electrodes/wires coming out of his pants.... Fox News former Ben-Laden Unit head ex-CIA agent guy was there too and explained that the guy had electrodes attached to his testicles and that you could actually see the needle of the electricity source rising and falling...
"Okay," said body-language, "see how his eyes squint and he bites his lower lip there, that's an indication that he doesn't want to talk, he's saying, look, i don't want to talk to you man."
"That checks out," said the CIA former Bin-Laden hunter-unit head, "if you look at the needle, you see that he gets shocked more after that, they would only shock him if he didn't say jimminy-cricket - indicating rendition/acceptance that he was tagged."
* * *
Next on Fox News, Newt Gingrich had some words to say about the EURO... "look," said Gingrich, "everyone knows the Europeans are pansies and stupid and dumb, we had to bail them out after WWII, so did the Russians: in the case of the Russians, that was an extended bailout lasting 44 years... Jesus!... now, the Euro currency is really neat if you go on a holiday to Europe - you can go to a McDonalds drive thru in France, and yes, they have them, buy you Happy Meal and then drive on over to Germany and do the same thing: that's wonderful. But it won't last, the European economies are under strict capitalist forces which drives up their borrowing rates, unlike in America where we click our fingers and tell authoritarian China that their dicks are bigger than ours and then get a 1 trillion dollar loan from bank bonds and currency sales... I'm just saying is all..."
in the leaked footage a terrorist was shown with some electrodes/wires coming out of his pants.... Fox News former Ben-Laden Unit head ex-CIA agent guy was there too and explained that the guy had electrodes attached to his testicles and that you could actually see the needle of the electricity source rising and falling...
"Okay," said body-language, "see how his eyes squint and he bites his lower lip there, that's an indication that he doesn't want to talk, he's saying, look, i don't want to talk to you man."
"That checks out," said the CIA former Bin-Laden hunter-unit head, "if you look at the needle, you see that he gets shocked more after that, they would only shock him if he didn't say jimminy-cricket - indicating rendition/acceptance that he was tagged."
* * *
Next on Fox News, Newt Gingrich had some words to say about the EURO... "look," said Gingrich, "everyone knows the Europeans are pansies and stupid and dumb, we had to bail them out after WWII, so did the Russians: in the case of the Russians, that was an extended bailout lasting 44 years... Jesus!... now, the Euro currency is really neat if you go on a holiday to Europe - you can go to a McDonalds drive thru in France, and yes, they have them, buy you Happy Meal and then drive on over to Germany and do the same thing: that's wonderful. But it won't last, the European economies are under strict capitalist forces which drives up their borrowing rates, unlike in America where we click our fingers and tell authoritarian China that their dicks are bigger than ours and then get a 1 trillion dollar loan from bank bonds and currency sales... I'm just saying is all..."
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 148
come September and some of the slick Southern Californian producers were in-situe in Byelo-Russia at which time Raskalnikov was ready to take up his posting there -- over the weeks of shooting, Putin's daughter occasionally flew in to visit her beau... Raskalnikov, with no experience in diplomacy, a chronic gambler and an alcoholic and ne-er do well was the perfect choice for the job of Russian ambassador to Byelo-Russia. Byelo-Russia was the last European place in the world the U.S. State dept. considered a communist dictatorship by the way. Anything mean that wikileaks put out about American diplomats saying mean sh*t about every single non-American out there (as it was known Americans hated everyone except the Canadians or at least despised them as being weak and gay), anyway, anything mean the American diplomats may have said through wikileaks was nothing compared to what they might say about the leader of Byelo-Russia....
on the first day of filming, Raskalnikov would have to meet Byelo-Russia's President: the last European dictator,
"What kind of music do you like? Do you like the Beatles?" asked Raskalnikov to the Byelo-Russian President.
"Who are they?" was the response.
"You know man," joked Raskalnikov, "Lenin! and his friends!" he said winking.
The Byelo-Russian President was confused, didn't we take an anti-Lenin line a few years ago?
"How wow, check out the bust of Stalin! That's a nice one, is that retro-chic?" Asked Raskalnikov, back in Russia, Stalin busts were resurrected by some people and classed as retro-chic.
"What do you mean?" asked the Byelo-Russian President. He didn't understand what the new Russian Ambassador meant... "Look, here is your apartment, nothing in it works, there's a heater, electric toothbrush, electric-kettle, iron, air-con for the summer, stereo and television, it is all centrally planned local factory product and none of it works. Your car is in yonder garage, the garage door won't open, it's broken, and even if it did open, the car wouldn't work."
* * *
"Jewcy! Jewcy!" said other Southern Californian maverick producers watching the scene being filmed from back in Hermosa Beach near LA -- "that's great television!"
on the first day of filming, Raskalnikov would have to meet Byelo-Russia's President: the last European dictator,
"What kind of music do you like? Do you like the Beatles?" asked Raskalnikov to the Byelo-Russian President.
"Who are they?" was the response.
"You know man," joked Raskalnikov, "Lenin! and his friends!" he said winking.
The Byelo-Russian President was confused, didn't we take an anti-Lenin line a few years ago?
"How wow, check out the bust of Stalin! That's a nice one, is that retro-chic?" Asked Raskalnikov, back in Russia, Stalin busts were resurrected by some people and classed as retro-chic.
"What do you mean?" asked the Byelo-Russian President. He didn't understand what the new Russian Ambassador meant... "Look, here is your apartment, nothing in it works, there's a heater, electric toothbrush, electric-kettle, iron, air-con for the summer, stereo and television, it is all centrally planned local factory product and none of it works. Your car is in yonder garage, the garage door won't open, it's broken, and even if it did open, the car wouldn't work."
* * *
"Jewcy! Jewcy!" said other Southern Californian maverick producers watching the scene being filmed from back in Hermosa Beach near LA -- "that's great television!"
mumble mumble afghanistan, part (& this is 1 of my favorite numbers:) 147 (!)
Putin's advisors and the Hollywood film producers assigned to Beethoven somehow mysteriously got swapped by a time machine or something like that and it all worked out for the best, Beethoven was assisted in his Spanish Armada flick by a bunch of old-world Russians instead of nouveau sunny-Californians from LA... it made things easier for Beethoven to understand as the Russians were closer to his European way of thinking.... in turn, Putin, who thought he would be assisted by Interior Ministry Russians turned out to be assisted from woe to weal by slick Southern Californian producers:
"Look Vlad man, you've seen MTV's Jersey-licious or whatever it's called with Pookie and all the Italian Guidos --- violence works! scandal works! the viewers around the world, not just in America but in Russia, everywhere, they want scandal: it sells, they love it. So we say, INCLUDE the loansharks -- blackmail the Raskalnikov kid, and do it all ON CAMERA - for the world to see -- it will seal your popularity. Have you seen Sarah Palin's reality TV show? What a bore -- bear hunting in Alaska, please. Look we have a lot riding on this, full-blown production starts in September, there's not much time left..."
"Look Vlad man, you've seen MTV's Jersey-licious or whatever it's called with Pookie and all the Italian Guidos --- violence works! scandal works! the viewers around the world, not just in America but in Russia, everywhere, they want scandal: it sells, they love it. So we say, INCLUDE the loansharks -- blackmail the Raskalnikov kid, and do it all ON CAMERA - for the world to see -- it will seal your popularity. Have you seen Sarah Palin's reality TV show? What a bore -- bear hunting in Alaska, please. Look we have a lot riding on this, full-blown production starts in September, there's not much time left..."
Thursday, December 2, 2010
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 146
In Russia, Putin looked up at his AIDS and spat out a dummy he was accustomed to sucking on sometimes to pacify himself,
"Can you believe these f*cking Belorussians?" he asked rhetorically... while Russia and the rest of the Soviet Union and 50% of Europe has spent the past 20 years restructuring to a market economy, these Belorussians have gone backwards!!" he said, striking a fist against the table.
His AIDS looked scared... better not to say anything... finally, one of the AIDS feebly offered:
"Sir maybe we could get the Poles..."
"The POLES!!??" interrupted Putin as his face went red... he stood up and reached his arm out to a decorative POLL that stood in a corner of the room from floor to ceiling, picked up a stack of papers that said POLLS(public/media/etc) on them and threw them up in the air... the POLES???" he asked his AID exasperatedly.
His AIDS merely gazed back at him; gazed. And blinked... finally one of them lamely offered: "the Czechs sir?"
Next Putin had to take a call from his daughter... Jack Shmack your male friend wants to come to dinner with you tonight, mm-hmm... okay. Putin knew that his daughter's male friend was 22 years old, had gambling debts and issues with loansharks, was born in Vladivostok and studied in Moscow... Putin knew everything about him.
At dinner he said to the young man, "look, you seem like a smart guy, I have a job opening available in Belorussia, I want you to take it..."
* * *
The next day, at his office, Putin told his AIDS he might have a good choice for the next Ambassador to Bielo-Russia...
"We know," said his AIDS, "we bugged the conversation -- we heard it all."
"Oh," said Putin.
"Look, sir, after you all finished dinner last night, and dessert -- how was that creme caramel by the way? -- Sir we came up with a great idea: why not an American approach to the whole situation? Make everything out in the open and transparent FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF REAPING A PROFIT?"
Putin looked interested but also annoyed that they had bugged him and even knew they'd all had creme caramel for dinner.
"Sir, a reality show," said the AIDS, one of them knelt slightly before him as he sat at his table and extended his arms to show his hands in the shape of a TV screen like a TV producer would do, "think about it, the Prime Minister's unwanted potential future son in law plays the Russian ambassador to Byelo-Russia... we'll put everything on display for the world to see, the bugging of the Byelo-Russians, show how stupid they are... everything! and we'll sell the rights to various channels around the world, it will be a slam-dunk sir, a real winner!"
"Sir, sir!" jumped one of the AIDS in the air clapping his hands together glee-fully, "I can see it now, we'll sell the movie rights to ADAM SANDLER! the merchandising rights alone will be worth millions of rubles!"
Who were these people? wondered Putin about AIDS... he would have to do a background check on them.
"Can you believe these f*cking Belorussians?" he asked rhetorically... while Russia and the rest of the Soviet Union and 50% of Europe has spent the past 20 years restructuring to a market economy, these Belorussians have gone backwards!!" he said, striking a fist against the table.
His AIDS looked scared... better not to say anything... finally, one of the AIDS feebly offered:
"Sir maybe we could get the Poles..."
"The POLES!!??" interrupted Putin as his face went red... he stood up and reached his arm out to a decorative POLL that stood in a corner of the room from floor to ceiling, picked up a stack of papers that said POLLS(public/media/etc) on them and threw them up in the air... the POLES???" he asked his AID exasperatedly.
His AIDS merely gazed back at him; gazed. And blinked... finally one of them lamely offered: "the Czechs sir?"
Next Putin had to take a call from his daughter... Jack Shmack your male friend wants to come to dinner with you tonight, mm-hmm... okay. Putin knew that his daughter's male friend was 22 years old, had gambling debts and issues with loansharks, was born in Vladivostok and studied in Moscow... Putin knew everything about him.
At dinner he said to the young man, "look, you seem like a smart guy, I have a job opening available in Belorussia, I want you to take it..."
* * *
The next day, at his office, Putin told his AIDS he might have a good choice for the next Ambassador to Bielo-Russia...
"We know," said his AIDS, "we bugged the conversation -- we heard it all."
"Oh," said Putin.
"Look, sir, after you all finished dinner last night, and dessert -- how was that creme caramel by the way? -- Sir we came up with a great idea: why not an American approach to the whole situation? Make everything out in the open and transparent FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF REAPING A PROFIT?"
Putin looked interested but also annoyed that they had bugged him and even knew they'd all had creme caramel for dinner.
"Sir, a reality show," said the AIDS, one of them knelt slightly before him as he sat at his table and extended his arms to show his hands in the shape of a TV screen like a TV producer would do, "think about it, the Prime Minister's unwanted potential future son in law plays the Russian ambassador to Byelo-Russia... we'll put everything on display for the world to see, the bugging of the Byelo-Russians, show how stupid they are... everything! and we'll sell the rights to various channels around the world, it will be a slam-dunk sir, a real winner!"
"Sir, sir!" jumped one of the AIDS in the air clapping his hands together glee-fully, "I can see it now, we'll sell the movie rights to ADAM SANDLER! the merchandising rights alone will be worth millions of rubles!"
Who were these people? wondered Putin about AIDS... he would have to do a background check on them.
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 145
at Fox News, Vanity Fair's annual listing of hottest and foxiest women named Fox's Harris Faulkner as the hottest fox from Fox News... the other foxes from Fox News ended up catfighting in the locker room over the news... Faulkner was pleased.
"Fools!" she said.
"Fools!" she said.
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 12 to the power of 2 (144)
In Russia, a University student with debts to loansharks who was in mortal peril of having his ears chopped off by them, watched an interview with the Tsar of the Old World (Larry King) and a politician from Russia...
"Putin has university-aged daughters??" asked the loanshark-fearing Raskalnikov... the people at the orphanage had named him after the famous character from a Doystoyevsky novel who unfortunately romanticized about the benefits of killing someone merely for the sake of it, for the pleasure of the thrill --- this was really serial-killer thinking, however no scholar of Russian literature had fingered Dostoyevsky's Raskalnikov as a serial killer, -- happily, our Raskalnikov was not a killer, but a chronic gambler addicted to online gaming ... being quite a drinker, and given to emotional behavior, the idea occurred to him that if he were able to secure the hand of the Russian Minister's daughter, then surely he would have protection from the loansharks who would soon come for him to cut his ears off...
"I will woo her off her feet, tell her a few poems, she will be falling over herself to make me lunches and do my homework and give me all of her spare change and I will have a security detail from the Kremlin itself to protect me... soon the loansharks will be running from me! ha ha ha ha," so boasted Raskalnikov to his poker friends.
"Putin has university-aged daughters??" asked the loanshark-fearing Raskalnikov... the people at the orphanage had named him after the famous character from a Doystoyevsky novel who unfortunately romanticized about the benefits of killing someone merely for the sake of it, for the pleasure of the thrill --- this was really serial-killer thinking, however no scholar of Russian literature had fingered Dostoyevsky's Raskalnikov as a serial killer, -- happily, our Raskalnikov was not a killer, but a chronic gambler addicted to online gaming ... being quite a drinker, and given to emotional behavior, the idea occurred to him that if he were able to secure the hand of the Russian Minister's daughter, then surely he would have protection from the loansharks who would soon come for him to cut his ears off...
"I will woo her off her feet, tell her a few poems, she will be falling over herself to make me lunches and do my homework and give me all of her spare change and I will have a security detail from the Kremlin itself to protect me... soon the loansharks will be running from me! ha ha ha ha," so boasted Raskalnikov to his poker friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)