Beethoven held a casting/pre-production meeting with his producers, who, you would recall, were sneakily swapped around -- so that instead of being maverick Southern Californian film and tv producers (who in fact were working now with Putin on a reality TV show) were Russian govt. stalwarts posing as producers, the casting meeting
went thus:
"Look Mr. Beethoven, you want make movie about Spanish Armada, great! Big ships, guns, cannons, violence, racy, dialog, aight?" said the Russians.
"Aight, aight," responded Beethoven testily.
"Ok, you need big stars, this is how you sell movie, with big-name actors, you need Johnny Depp - he is a great with old ships like that - he was a pirate, and look at this guy," said the Russians and forwarded a photograph from their secret classified dossiers, it was a photograph of Christian Bale taken secretly by the former KGB in NYC, "this guy you must have him."
"Why?" said Beethoven, "who is he? what is his talent?"
"Ok," this guy is very talented, "he can drink more vodka than the men in Russia, so great talent, also he can keep Colombia in business until end of this 21st century!" said the Russian and made a snorting motion to Beethoven with his nose.
"What kind of a talent is that?" asked Beethoven.
"Yeah, come on, Beethoven, get with the game, this isn't about talent, but just dumb luck and druggie sluts everywhere with cool sounding names -- in Hollywood, cool-sounding name and good looks and a bit of Meisner technique is everything."
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