somewhere in the desert -- Michelangelo and Leonardo decided to stop for petrol ........ Leonardo removed Miller's phone some time beforehand and subsequently handcuffed his wrist to the steering wheel....... Leonardo started pumping fuel into the white mini-van...... shortly thereafter Michelangelo approached him:
'Dude why are you bringing this guy with us? He's nothing to us -- we're meant to be enjoying a road trip,' said Michelangelo.
He made no mention that kidnapping is a felony crime.
'He's a person of interest in the war on terror,' said Leonardo.
Michelangelo got really pissed off with that response - what a crock of sh*t. Why was that stupid bastard Leonardo coming with that bullsh*t that even he didn't believe in? Internally he made a decision as a point of resolution. Leonardo left to pay for the fuel and commit to the refueling station interior/store.
- Michelangelo approached Miller from the passenger side window.
'Eat this chocolate eclair man,' said Michelangelo to Miller. Miller decided to comply being in a position of weakness.
Leonardo returned to the vehicle and mounted the driver's side seat and started the engine and continued towards Arizona through the starlit desert.
After a half hour or so Miller became noticeably agitated.
'What's going on?' asked Leonardo.
'I fed Miller some magic mushrooms, maybe he's having a bad trip,' responded Michelangelo.
Leonardo looked at him and asked him, 'are you for real?' and by Michelangelo's smug smirk and chuckle he deemed he was indeed serious.
'Well look, he doesn't look very happy about it now man, we're gonna have to stop somewhere soon and let him ride it out with his feet on the ground, what do you say?' said Leonardo.
'Aight,' responded Leonardo.
Upon pulling over, Michelangelo said he was going to drive a post into the desert sand and attach a chain to it and Miller so as to hold Miller fast to the desert floor -- it seemed like a good idea to Leonardo who agreed to collect some firewood and start a fire.... they had found a shoulder of freeway and a patch of land protected from the sight of road-comers by trees and ledges.
'Dude my i-pod is totalled,' said Leonardo to Michelangelo after starting to relax a little after starting a good fire and seeing that Michelangelo's work fastening Miller was done.
'Dude look at this guy trip man, Jesus Christ!' enthused Michelangelo.
Indeed, Miller was having a bad magic mushroom trip -- presently, in his own perceptions -- he saw a giant spider walk slowly towards him, apparently intent on devouring him -- venom dripped slowly and languidly down it's hairy legs near its exceedingly large fangs. Miller screamed in horror and this in turn caused Michelangelo to laugh with great gusto -- which in turn, had a contagious effect on Leonardo.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xli
Leonardo ignored the question about 20 and 22 or twenty too.... and after a short while, Miller became aware of a series of different scents that he could smell --- all of them seemed tantalizing and suggested at a series of mental conditions different and yet very appealing in Miller's mind --- and indeed -- it was the same for Michelangelo and Leonardo......
'what is that?' asked Miller.
'Michelangelo is working on something that involves different scents.'
'Dude,' said Michelangelo good-spiritedly -- for he was no longer upset or angry, 'i'm thinking maybe when we get to Arizona, maybe around Flagstaff -- to leave you and go off on my own for a while -- and then meet up with you later on -- when you're closer to Ohio.'
'what is that?' asked Miller.
'Michelangelo is working on something that involves different scents.'
'Dude,' said Michelangelo good-spiritedly -- for he was no longer upset or angry, 'i'm thinking maybe when we get to Arizona, maybe around Flagstaff -- to leave you and go off on my own for a while -- and then meet up with you later on -- when you're closer to Ohio.'
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xl - 40 that is, not xtra large
'yeah and we're european so we're eurotrash and everyone knows everyone that's not american is a homosexual anyway so no need even speculating on whether Leonardo was an arse-f*cker or no, right?'
Miller was satisfied with that answer but followed up with:
'but in the pictures of Leonardo he's an old man -- with a long beard -- you look like you're 20 years old.'
'Michelangelo's 20, i'm 22,' responded Leonardo.
'You mean you are 20 also or twenty-two as in twenty plus the number two,' queried Miller.
Miller was satisfied with that answer but followed up with:
'but in the pictures of Leonardo he's an old man -- with a long beard -- you look like you're 20 years old.'
'Michelangelo's 20, i'm 22,' responded Leonardo.
'You mean you are 20 also or twenty-two as in twenty plus the number two,' queried Miller.
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxix
LA become a mere twinkle in the desert behind them that stood for los angeles and not louisiana --- Miller sat in silence as the two shared their eclectic musical tastes ranging from electronica and techno to soulful folk music..... Michelangelo didn't seem to stop smoking marijuana for a second.......... there was also a lot of beer to be had........ somewhere in Death Valley Miller broke the long silence.....
'aren't you guys meant to be ninja turtles?' he said.
'aren't you guys meant to be ninja turtles?' he said.
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxviii
Leonardo t-shirt guy gunned the accelator and sped down the road 100 yards and Michelangelo pointed a Taser at him from the van windown -- Leonardo was out of the van by now and said:
'can you spell 'don't taze me dude?'' -- of course you can, now you're under arrest -- co-operate and travel as an equal or resist and you'll be kidnapped, bound and removed in the back of the van like so many bags of empty seafood.'
Miller, surprised after yet another failure to work out -- looked up at the guy sitting in the van pointing a taser at him --
'that's Michelangelo,' said the guy standing out of the van staring at Miller with his right arm outstretched and his fingers all pointing out flat --- 'resist and he will taser you.'
'and you're Leonardo,' said the stunned Miller at the man standing nearby him accosting him with the Leonardo t-shirt on.
'that's right, we've come here expressly from the renaissance in the name of art and we're on a mission to bring you to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio.'
'why?' said the shell-shocked Miller.
'that's classified sir,' responded Leonardo.
Michelangelo stirred in his seat and was becoming upset -- he had a very short temper sometimes:
'well don't just stand there like a f*cken idiot! get into the f*cken van you d*ckhead!' yelled Michelangelo with great vitriol.
Miller seemed convinced and Leonardo was polite and obliging in ushering Miller into the middle of the big three-seater frontseat of the van via his own driver side door --- there'd be no sense in asking Michelangelo to move now, he'd only get pissed off further....
Michelangelo started playing music -- Afroman -- and lit up a joint.
'Man i don't know what the f*ck we're doing -- driving to Ohio -- that's gonna take days,' Michelangelo said.
'squirm around or make any trouble, throw punches, etc and i'll stun you with my little stun-gun and Michelangelo's got a taser trained on you too, co-operate and you'll be fine,' established Leonardo to Miller as the latter perched himself in the middle of the long front seat.
Leonardo put the van into gear via a manual stick shift located behind the wheel.
And off they sped towards Death Valley and Arizona beyond.......
'can you spell 'don't taze me dude?'' -- of course you can, now you're under arrest -- co-operate and travel as an equal or resist and you'll be kidnapped, bound and removed in the back of the van like so many bags of empty seafood.'
Miller, surprised after yet another failure to work out -- looked up at the guy sitting in the van pointing a taser at him --
'that's Michelangelo,' said the guy standing out of the van staring at Miller with his right arm outstretched and his fingers all pointing out flat --- 'resist and he will taser you.'
'and you're Leonardo,' said the stunned Miller at the man standing nearby him accosting him with the Leonardo t-shirt on.
'that's right, we've come here expressly from the renaissance in the name of art and we're on a mission to bring you to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio.'
'why?' said the shell-shocked Miller.
'that's classified sir,' responded Leonardo.
Michelangelo stirred in his seat and was becoming upset -- he had a very short temper sometimes:
'well don't just stand there like a f*cken idiot! get into the f*cken van you d*ckhead!' yelled Michelangelo with great vitriol.
Miller seemed convinced and Leonardo was polite and obliging in ushering Miller into the middle of the big three-seater frontseat of the van via his own driver side door --- there'd be no sense in asking Michelangelo to move now, he'd only get pissed off further....
Michelangelo started playing music -- Afroman -- and lit up a joint.
'Man i don't know what the f*ck we're doing -- driving to Ohio -- that's gonna take days,' Michelangelo said.
'squirm around or make any trouble, throw punches, etc and i'll stun you with my little stun-gun and Michelangelo's got a taser trained on you too, co-operate and you'll be fine,' established Leonardo to Miller as the latter perched himself in the middle of the long front seat.
Leonardo put the van into gear via a manual stick shift located behind the wheel.
And off they sped towards Death Valley and Arizona beyond.......
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxvii
Love did a few things around the house and came back to her computers a few hours later --- Miller was finishing up at the gym and ready to leave.......
outside....... a hundred yards down the road from the gym.... two men in a white van with a peace sign on it sat and watched the gym exit......... the driver had a shirt that said 'Leonardo' on it --- the other man, next to him, had a shirt that said 'Michelangelo' on it.......
Miller exited the gym and mounted the stairs to briskly descend and then to ascend to his vehicle.......
the two men with the Renaissance artists t-shirts witnessed Miller's exit
'That's him,' said the Leonardo shirt guy and started the van's engine, 'that's our person of interest, let's get him.'
outside....... a hundred yards down the road from the gym.... two men in a white van with a peace sign on it sat and watched the gym exit......... the driver had a shirt that said 'Leonardo' on it --- the other man, next to him, had a shirt that said 'Michelangelo' on it.......
Miller exited the gym and mounted the stairs to briskly descend and then to ascend to his vehicle.......
the two men with the Renaissance artists t-shirts witnessed Miller's exit
'That's him,' said the Leonardo shirt guy and started the van's engine, 'that's our person of interest, let's get him.'
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxvi
Love continued watching Miller's pastimes in real-time.... she decided to blow-up some other sub-screen depicting what Miller had been doing in previous days while she was busy learning how to barn dance.... the conversation with his mom didn't interest her much anymore and his stay at the gym would be predictable - running his mouth and drinking Miller beer.... she maximized another window on her screen showing Miller the day before walking near downtown LA and stopping outside a sweatshop where hundreds of mexican women within hunched over sewing machines -- Love had seen this scene play out before and was happy to watch it again as she enjoyed her high -- Miller stood at a side gate next to the sidewalk and watched a factory full of women working for $4 an hour make cheap t-shirts.... God only knew why they were doing it in LA instead of in Mexico, but they were doing it there too so whatever... Miller loved watching them and chewed on popcorn from a small box he held in his hands,
'gracias por ayudar al tio Sam,' said Miller in his high school spanish
(thank you for helping uncle Sam out) is the english translation of what Miller said.
one nearby woman said to another woman in spanish as they sewed:
'que se joda ese hijo de puta.' which in english means: may that son of a bitch go to hell.
'gracias por ayudar al tio Sam,' said Miller in his high school spanish
(thank you for helping uncle Sam out) is the english translation of what Miller said.
one nearby woman said to another woman in spanish as they sewed:
'que se joda ese hijo de puta.' which in english means: may that son of a bitch go to hell.
Monday, July 26, 2010
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxv
Love had mastered everything there was to master about square dancing and Southern jigging and had even learnt some Russian Cossack steps like the ones Fonzie does in the Wheezer videoclip and also some amazing breakdancing head-spinning moves.... it was amazing -- after 2 weeks she had become a professional dancer, she had no idea she had it in her -- as the necessity had never really arisen........ she was even able to incorporate all three dance styles into her routines and had also mastered singing a number of Southern songs and had even mastered a great southern accent modeled on the denizens of Georgia.....
Omar's first two wives who at first had been helping her had to leave as a number of disadvantaged Afghani women all over Afghanistan from Pashtun, Tajiki, Uzbeki, etc origin, cricket players and non cricket players alike, had all started turning into giant ants like Kadeetha --- and getting BIGGER --- Kadeetha now measured at least 20 metres in length and was capable of killing a score of people by merely squirting poison from the glands in her back ---- many other women in Afghanistan were inexplicably going down the same path.....
with so much freedom at hand and such a nice air-conditioned home to kick it in -- there was nothing for Love to do but shoot up some more heroine and connect to the internet and her pet project: tracking LA radio announcer Dennis Miller (also from Fox news channel) -- she had previously hired a handful of private investigators to follow him and film him from a distance as a pet form of entertainment, she liked to see what he did with his life ... her career had been dying down of late and there wasn't much singing left for her to do -- so she liked to just watch 'miller channel' as she called it.....
she logged in to an encrypted site where her private investigators were constantly uploading live-feed of Miller the radio announcer ---- right now he was driving in LA down Sepulveda --- captioning at the bottom of the screen indicated Miller was on the way to Gym Morrison on Thurman Avenue near Santa Monica and Culver City -- Miller's regular gym where he went and did no exercise, instead drinking Miller beer at the little bar within......
Love was delighted to see Miller wearing a T-Shirt depicting an image of the poor ex-KGB russian spy that was unfortunately poisoned with radio-active tea in London - there was a caption above the ex-spy on his deathbed that read: 'got milk?' and Miller was listening to his car radio and singing along to it, interspersed with conversation over his hands-free car phone......... currently Miller was listening to Nina Gordon's cover of NWA's Straight outta compton:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2EGOB9-lc
the conversation apparently was with his mother: yeah mom, i'm just on my way to the gym --- i just flew back into LA today on a private jet -- some people in Nova Scotia Canada invited me over there to spruce things up at a cotton seminar.... yeah mom, i can wait, take the call
'ain't no tellin' when i'm down for a jack move, here's a murder rap, to keep you dancing...' sang Miller while he waited for his mother to take another call on call waiting....
Love loved watching his shennanigans....... the plunger in her syringe depressed deeper and deeper until hitting its threshold....... heroine flooded her veins...... she became very very itchy........
Omar's first two wives who at first had been helping her had to leave as a number of disadvantaged Afghani women all over Afghanistan from Pashtun, Tajiki, Uzbeki, etc origin, cricket players and non cricket players alike, had all started turning into giant ants like Kadeetha --- and getting BIGGER --- Kadeetha now measured at least 20 metres in length and was capable of killing a score of people by merely squirting poison from the glands in her back ---- many other women in Afghanistan were inexplicably going down the same path.....
with so much freedom at hand and such a nice air-conditioned home to kick it in -- there was nothing for Love to do but shoot up some more heroine and connect to the internet and her pet project: tracking LA radio announcer Dennis Miller (also from Fox news channel) -- she had previously hired a handful of private investigators to follow him and film him from a distance as a pet form of entertainment, she liked to see what he did with his life ... her career had been dying down of late and there wasn't much singing left for her to do -- so she liked to just watch 'miller channel' as she called it.....
she logged in to an encrypted site where her private investigators were constantly uploading live-feed of Miller the radio announcer ---- right now he was driving in LA down Sepulveda --- captioning at the bottom of the screen indicated Miller was on the way to Gym Morrison on Thurman Avenue near Santa Monica and Culver City -- Miller's regular gym where he went and did no exercise, instead drinking Miller beer at the little bar within......
Love was delighted to see Miller wearing a T-Shirt depicting an image of the poor ex-KGB russian spy that was unfortunately poisoned with radio-active tea in London - there was a caption above the ex-spy on his deathbed that read: 'got milk?' and Miller was listening to his car radio and singing along to it, interspersed with conversation over his hands-free car phone......... currently Miller was listening to Nina Gordon's cover of NWA's Straight outta compton:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2EGOB9-lc
the conversation apparently was with his mother: yeah mom, i'm just on my way to the gym --- i just flew back into LA today on a private jet -- some people in Nova Scotia Canada invited me over there to spruce things up at a cotton seminar.... yeah mom, i can wait, take the call
'ain't no tellin' when i'm down for a jack move, here's a murder rap, to keep you dancing...' sang Miller while he waited for his mother to take another call on call waiting....
Love loved watching his shennanigans....... the plunger in her syringe depressed deeper and deeper until hitting its threshold....... heroine flooded her veins...... she became very very itchy........
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxiv
(Courtney) Love somehow managed to single-handedly get herself out of the bind she was in -- sans-Hole.... thereafter she somehow managed to make it to Omar Mohammed's Kandahar digs....... as per prior arrangement -
upon arriving she saw that a woman in pink military fatigues with a pink machine-gun was all but leaving --- all butt leaving.......... some african child soldiers with black machine guns milled around her gayly:
'tap that, bitch - yeah!' cried one 11-year old and slammed his hand against her buttcheek....
'um, ... yeah,' responded witherspoon/simpson/woods and bid adieu to omar mohammed's brother and their (respective 7 wives - Kadeetha, Mohammed's youngest wife, if you will recall, obviously was not present as she had morphed into a giant ant like unto some 1950s american horror movie - four each -- and sundry children)... witherspoon marched out proudly, or at least with dignity, with her elbows slightly raised from their normal dangling position -- she remembered her dream about Thomas Jefferson and the greatest fighting animal, pound-for-pound, the weasel, and wondered where the gerbal ranked on the list.
'ploopsie in my bottom,' she greated Love
'ploopsie in my bottom,' responded Love
and off went witherspoon/simpson/woods -- out of our story, to attend to a meeting marking the arrival of general petraeus in early july 2010 (for it was just then that this ocurred) and then to return to virginia beach to nate-dogg-mad-homey her sweetie back home to help him through veterinary school.........
upon witherspoon's departure, Omar Mohammed's family took to welcoming Love --- come in come in, darling... they said....
after much tea and an offering of a hookah and some heroin to shoot up -- much to Love's delight...... Mohammed's eldest 2 wives, from Pakistan, both cricket players brokered business........
'look, Love, here's the thing -- the last Hollywood starlet we had here -- she can't sing -- she's a great lawyer and all, everyone in Afghanistan just loves her to pieces, the way she graduated from Harvard and all and just being a West Coast so-cal beach blonde bimbo and all, it's something that speaks to all of our Souls after a decade of long and miserable war with the Russians all thru the 1980s: just imagine how we missed out on all those great American sitcoms of that decade!'
Mohammed's 2nd wife just shakes her head at the thought and clucks disapprovingly, Mohammed's 1st wife continued:
'the thing is Love...'
'call me Courney,' said Love as she untied a tournique from her arm and rubbed her arm to restore blood circulation there.....
'the thing is Courtney,' continued Mohammed's first wife, 'is that Omar, my husband, he is a very important Taliban commander, right now, he's busy warring here in Kandahar, but when he has free time in his campaign, he wants you to sing for him.'
'well, sure, i can do that, the only thing is i can only stay 2 weeks, i have a movie that starts shooting back home and i have to make that happen,' said courney.
'a movie?' said Mohammed's 1st (cricket playing) wife
'yeah, a movie, you know: lights, cameras, action! a big budget, producers, a director, a post-production schedule, a shooting schedule, assistant directors, caterers, trailers, a movie!'
'we don't understand,' said Mohammed's first two wives at once.
'well,' said Courtney, starting to enjoy the rush of heroin in her system, 'you know when you watch TV, like Baywatch, you like Baywatch, right?'
'uh-huh! yep!' agreed the two women, in fact, Baywatch was one of the biggest winners amongst American TV shows in the middle east before 9/11 and the scanty clothing was not frowned upon as it was taken to be wholesome, non-sleazy entertainment
'okay, well they have to shoot Baywatch, right?' said Love. Mohammed's first 2 wives weren't getting it -- but maybe it was because of the shock of seeing Kadeetha turn into a giant ant and squirt face-burning liquid from her back.
'we,re not sure what you mean about directors and producers and shooting schedules and such,' said the two wives.
'casting agents?' prompted Love.
'nope, we don't get any of that stuff, sounds like chinese,' concurred the two wives, 'well anyway, look about the singing, 2 weeks is fine, the thing is, we know you do the whole screeching harpie seattle/malibu west-end thing and we love your music, but Omar wants you to do country.'
'country?' asked Love
'and western,' responded the two wives.
'i don't do country,' affirmed Love.
'you'll do country,' assured her the two wives, 'or Omar will shoot you in the womb: with a gun.'
and there it was! the two wives ushered Love to a little kareoke set-up on Omar's lot and gave her a bunch of dvd's with different country themes like: square dancing, billy ray cyrus, etc
'don't worry,' said the two wives, 'just learn a little Shania Twain, shoot up heroin whenever you feel like it, drink some gin and have a good time -- we have all the hash your heart could desire.'
And true to their words, the two wives kept Love company in the ensuing days while she tried to master the subtleties of square dancing and dosie does:
"you gotta shimmy shake - make the earthquake
kick, turn, stomp
then you jump
heel to toe
dosy doe
til your boots want to break
til your feet and your back ache
keep it moving, til you just can't take:
anymore"
sang Love while she mastered the turns, stomps and steps of southern jigging... the heroin was great and the hash was just fine
upon arriving she saw that a woman in pink military fatigues with a pink machine-gun was all but leaving --- all butt leaving.......... some african child soldiers with black machine guns milled around her gayly:
'tap that, bitch - yeah!' cried one 11-year old and slammed his hand against her buttcheek....
'um, ... yeah,' responded witherspoon/simpson/woods and bid adieu to omar mohammed's brother and their (respective 7 wives - Kadeetha, Mohammed's youngest wife, if you will recall, obviously was not present as she had morphed into a giant ant like unto some 1950s american horror movie - four each -- and sundry children)... witherspoon marched out proudly, or at least with dignity, with her elbows slightly raised from their normal dangling position -- she remembered her dream about Thomas Jefferson and the greatest fighting animal, pound-for-pound, the weasel, and wondered where the gerbal ranked on the list.
'ploopsie in my bottom,' she greated Love
'ploopsie in my bottom,' responded Love
and off went witherspoon/simpson/woods -- out of our story, to attend to a meeting marking the arrival of general petraeus in early july 2010 (for it was just then that this ocurred) and then to return to virginia beach to nate-dogg-mad-homey her sweetie back home to help him through veterinary school.........
upon witherspoon's departure, Omar Mohammed's family took to welcoming Love --- come in come in, darling... they said....
after much tea and an offering of a hookah and some heroin to shoot up -- much to Love's delight...... Mohammed's eldest 2 wives, from Pakistan, both cricket players brokered business........
'look, Love, here's the thing -- the last Hollywood starlet we had here -- she can't sing -- she's a great lawyer and all, everyone in Afghanistan just loves her to pieces, the way she graduated from Harvard and all and just being a West Coast so-cal beach blonde bimbo and all, it's something that speaks to all of our Souls after a decade of long and miserable war with the Russians all thru the 1980s: just imagine how we missed out on all those great American sitcoms of that decade!'
Mohammed's 2nd wife just shakes her head at the thought and clucks disapprovingly, Mohammed's 1st wife continued:
'the thing is Love...'
'call me Courney,' said Love as she untied a tournique from her arm and rubbed her arm to restore blood circulation there.....
'the thing is Courtney,' continued Mohammed's first wife, 'is that Omar, my husband, he is a very important Taliban commander, right now, he's busy warring here in Kandahar, but when he has free time in his campaign, he wants you to sing for him.'
'well, sure, i can do that, the only thing is i can only stay 2 weeks, i have a movie that starts shooting back home and i have to make that happen,' said courney.
'a movie?' said Mohammed's 1st (cricket playing) wife
'yeah, a movie, you know: lights, cameras, action! a big budget, producers, a director, a post-production schedule, a shooting schedule, assistant directors, caterers, trailers, a movie!'
'we don't understand,' said Mohammed's first two wives at once.
'well,' said Courtney, starting to enjoy the rush of heroin in her system, 'you know when you watch TV, like Baywatch, you like Baywatch, right?'
'uh-huh! yep!' agreed the two women, in fact, Baywatch was one of the biggest winners amongst American TV shows in the middle east before 9/11 and the scanty clothing was not frowned upon as it was taken to be wholesome, non-sleazy entertainment
'okay, well they have to shoot Baywatch, right?' said Love. Mohammed's first 2 wives weren't getting it -- but maybe it was because of the shock of seeing Kadeetha turn into a giant ant and squirt face-burning liquid from her back.
'we,re not sure what you mean about directors and producers and shooting schedules and such,' said the two wives.
'casting agents?' prompted Love.
'nope, we don't get any of that stuff, sounds like chinese,' concurred the two wives, 'well anyway, look about the singing, 2 weeks is fine, the thing is, we know you do the whole screeching harpie seattle/malibu west-end thing and we love your music, but Omar wants you to do country.'
'country?' asked Love
'and western,' responded the two wives.
'i don't do country,' affirmed Love.
'you'll do country,' assured her the two wives, 'or Omar will shoot you in the womb: with a gun.'
and there it was! the two wives ushered Love to a little kareoke set-up on Omar's lot and gave her a bunch of dvd's with different country themes like: square dancing, billy ray cyrus, etc
'don't worry,' said the two wives, 'just learn a little Shania Twain, shoot up heroin whenever you feel like it, drink some gin and have a good time -- we have all the hash your heart could desire.'
And true to their words, the two wives kept Love company in the ensuing days while she tried to master the subtleties of square dancing and dosie does:
"you gotta shimmy shake - make the earthquake
kick, turn, stomp
then you jump
heel to toe
dosy doe
til your boots want to break
til your feet and your back ache
keep it moving, til you just can't take:
anymore"
sang Love while she mastered the turns, stomps and steps of southern jigging... the heroin was great and the hash was just fine
Monday, July 19, 2010
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxiii
Hole with Courtney Love driving continued driving into the nite until their screenplay and interaction was captured by a front-on classic windscreen shot from outside as the band-members discussed their next moves from within the cabin of the stolen armored vehicle when suddenly: boom! an IED exploded
'goddammit,' said Love, 'let's stop at the gas station there and see what repairs are needed.'
within the gas station, outside of which was draped both an american and afghani flag, Maryanne Rafferty, fox news anchor, was within dressed in overalls with a bang of tussled hair draping down from her face, her lips parted and open and some grease stains on her face..... she held an enormous spanner in her hand and worked under a vehicle raised high in the air --- the garage was lit with kerosene lamps only and a woodfire in the background.... Rafferty's top buttons of her overalls are provocatively unbuttoned.......
'how aren't you one of the news readers from fox news?' asked Hole's percussionist
'normally, yes, but i like to volunteer one week every year to our Nation's war effort,' she replied
'well, i'll be damned!' said Hole's bass guitarist
Hole fanned out to stand around Rafferty in perhaps an unusual formation and Love asked,
'can you take a look at our armored vehicle?'
Rafferty took a look and said,
'you know civilians are not authorized to use that particular type of vehicle here.'
'is that so?' Love asked and judging by the suspicious squint from Rafferty and Rafferty's look askance and nod to an Afghan helper off to a side, Love decided Rafferty was a security risk and decided to initiate hand-to-hand combat:
she lunged forward and threw a massive right-handed haymaker which Rafferty blocked by parrying her left arm straight up into the air and followed by punching Love deeply in the solar-plexus....... Love was floored and Hole's percussionist came from behind Rafferty with a chain which she throttled around Rafferty's neck -- as Rafferty struggled to prevent her own suffocation -- she lashed out with a high kick with her right leg connecting with Hole's lead guitarist in the jaw that caused her protruding tongue to be cut off and her mouth to become bloody -- she slumped to the floor next to Love in a state of shock........ with one hand under the chain while another reached behind her for a grip on her assailant -- Rafferty forced her body backwards and caused her assailant to be pushed backwards and her back was unfortunately broken by a winch protruding from the wall of the garage: 'ahhhh', she screamed in a high-pitched tone.......
the final Hole member left standing now raised a gun to take Rafferty down and at this moment Rafferty with the hand still on the chain around her throat launched the chain at her final assailant's eyes and was lucky to connect -- without waiting to see if the chain would connect she already committed herself physically to kicking the gun out of her assailant's hand -- the chain hit the assailant's face followed by Rafferty's left foot kicking the gun harmlessly from the assailant..... Rafferty followed with a low-down leg sweeping movement that floored her opponent and then grabbed her opponent's hair and raised her head by the hair, pausing briefly with her left hand high in the air ready to strike her subdued victim....
the scene fades to black
'goddammit,' said Love, 'let's stop at the gas station there and see what repairs are needed.'
within the gas station, outside of which was draped both an american and afghani flag, Maryanne Rafferty, fox news anchor, was within dressed in overalls with a bang of tussled hair draping down from her face, her lips parted and open and some grease stains on her face..... she held an enormous spanner in her hand and worked under a vehicle raised high in the air --- the garage was lit with kerosene lamps only and a woodfire in the background.... Rafferty's top buttons of her overalls are provocatively unbuttoned.......
'how aren't you one of the news readers from fox news?' asked Hole's percussionist
'normally, yes, but i like to volunteer one week every year to our Nation's war effort,' she replied
'well, i'll be damned!' said Hole's bass guitarist
Hole fanned out to stand around Rafferty in perhaps an unusual formation and Love asked,
'can you take a look at our armored vehicle?'
Rafferty took a look and said,
'you know civilians are not authorized to use that particular type of vehicle here.'
'is that so?' Love asked and judging by the suspicious squint from Rafferty and Rafferty's look askance and nod to an Afghan helper off to a side, Love decided Rafferty was a security risk and decided to initiate hand-to-hand combat:
she lunged forward and threw a massive right-handed haymaker which Rafferty blocked by parrying her left arm straight up into the air and followed by punching Love deeply in the solar-plexus....... Love was floored and Hole's percussionist came from behind Rafferty with a chain which she throttled around Rafferty's neck -- as Rafferty struggled to prevent her own suffocation -- she lashed out with a high kick with her right leg connecting with Hole's lead guitarist in the jaw that caused her protruding tongue to be cut off and her mouth to become bloody -- she slumped to the floor next to Love in a state of shock........ with one hand under the chain while another reached behind her for a grip on her assailant -- Rafferty forced her body backwards and caused her assailant to be pushed backwards and her back was unfortunately broken by a winch protruding from the wall of the garage: 'ahhhh', she screamed in a high-pitched tone.......
the final Hole member left standing now raised a gun to take Rafferty down and at this moment Rafferty with the hand still on the chain around her throat launched the chain at her final assailant's eyes and was lucky to connect -- without waiting to see if the chain would connect she already committed herself physically to kicking the gun out of her assailant's hand -- the chain hit the assailant's face followed by Rafferty's left foot kicking the gun harmlessly from the assailant..... Rafferty followed with a low-down leg sweeping movement that floored her opponent and then grabbed her opponent's hair and raised her head by the hair, pausing briefly with her left hand high in the air ready to strike her subdued victim....
the scene fades to black
Sunday, July 18, 2010
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxii
'let's go crrrrraaaaazzzyyyyy here people!' cried love as the hangar where the meeting had been held evacuated under the Kabul twilight....
Love's band were performing round-house kicks on German soldiers --- this time Angela Merkel got round-housed again and it wasn't by Mr. T (see previous posting)....
'it's time to go crrrraaaazzzzyyyy people,' said Love as she commandeered a U.S. military armored vehicle along with the rest of her band: percussionist, guitarists, etc.... they drove off to a gate delineating the border of a secured zone and were challenged by a sole U.S. military M.P. who dived at the very last moment before the armored vehicle would have hit him and the armored vehicle plowed through a boom gate and then a wire fence and was free to cut to a broad, out-in-the-open helicopter shot showing the armored vehicle speeding off down the highway with a soundtrack and voiceover of Hole laughing...
Love's band were performing round-house kicks on German soldiers --- this time Angela Merkel got round-housed again and it wasn't by Mr. T (see previous posting)....
'it's time to go crrrraaaazzzzyyyy people,' said Love as she commandeered a U.S. military armored vehicle along with the rest of her band: percussionist, guitarists, etc.... they drove off to a gate delineating the border of a secured zone and were challenged by a sole U.S. military M.P. who dived at the very last moment before the armored vehicle would have hit him and the armored vehicle plowed through a boom gate and then a wire fence and was free to cut to a broad, out-in-the-open helicopter shot showing the armored vehicle speeding off down the highway with a soundtrack and voiceover of Hole laughing...
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxxi
just at that moment, as the King's side black rook was lauding Mel Gibson the wife-beater and poo-poo-ing the eternal bad guys: the evil, big-bad Russians and their Afghani exploits of the 1980s... and be sure that neither rook made any allusion to the big-budget Russian film: '9 Arms' that glorified evil Russian exploits in Afghanistan in the 1980s which only served to drive the Afghanis further towards a banana (heroin) republic and Sharia and general stone-age lawlessness............
just at that moment, Courtney Love came out of nowhere from above on a hidden wire.. she just wanted heroin... before you could say 'Osama ben Laden', the King's side black rook had a neat little bullet hole in his forehead and slumped to the ground dead ---
'nice shooting,' said Love's female percussionist and brandished her own glock and took out the Queen's side rook......
European dignitaries went flying and screaming -- Sergei Lavrov took a slug in the butt-cheek........
'where's all the heroin around here!' screamed Hole's lead guitarist.......
trrrrrrr..... trrrrrrrrrr uzi bullets whirled and spat
just at that moment, Courtney Love came out of nowhere from above on a hidden wire.. she just wanted heroin... before you could say 'Osama ben Laden', the King's side black rook had a neat little bullet hole in his forehead and slumped to the ground dead ---
'nice shooting,' said Love's female percussionist and brandished her own glock and took out the Queen's side rook......
European dignitaries went flying and screaming -- Sergei Lavrov took a slug in the butt-cheek........
'where's all the heroin around here!' screamed Hole's lead guitarist.......
trrrrrrr..... trrrrrrrrrr uzi bullets whirled and spat
Saturday, July 17, 2010
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxx
'you motherf*ckaz feelin' me?!' challenged the King's side rook as the Queen's side rook walked down the aisles amongst their listeners, 'if it's aight for Quentin Tarantino to use the 'n' word i don't see why we should be ostracizing my boy Mel for doin' the same! I want all you bitches to put yo' motherf*ckin' hands in the air and give my boy Mel a big Afghanistan welcome,'
the audience, many of whom were white and unaccustomed to this kind of behavior, sheepishly put their hands in the air --- amongst them were EU dignitaries who felt very sheepish and Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov, who also looked unsure to his minders as he too put his hands in the air
'welcome to Afghanistan, G!' boomed the two rooks
'welcome to Afghanistan, G' murmured back the assembled dignitaries
the audience, many of whom were white and unaccustomed to this kind of behavior, sheepishly put their hands in the air --- amongst them were EU dignitaries who felt very sheepish and Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov, who also looked unsure to his minders as he too put his hands in the air
'welcome to Afghanistan, G!' boomed the two rooks
'welcome to Afghanistan, G' murmured back the assembled dignitaries
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xxix
witherspoon/woods/simpson went on a road trip with Omar and some of his wives and kids to get some kiddy suicide bombers from an Islamic school in Pakistan --- Foo Fighters: Times like this you learn to live again -- song plays in the background............ Witherspoon/woods/simpson was surprised to see the kids at the strict Islamist school in Pakistan playing pin the bomb-vest on the suicide bomber........ she thought these kinds of schools were giving Islam a bad name.......... she also noticed some child soldiers from wars in Africa had been enlisted as mercenaries.... they loved Gwen Stefani and AK47s that were well-greased and light combat fatigues that enabled them to move with easy - preferring not to shoulder heavy packs as the American special forces did --- they would be taking on twenty year old men some 8 and 9 years their senior......... the non-mercenary/non-african child soldier veterans -- that is, the Pakistani children suicide bombers were under instruction to dress as little girls with full Berqas and detonate themselves near visiting dignitaries in Kabul.......
the veteran mercenaries from Africa (aged 10-13) had more combat experience under their belts than graduating Majors and Colonels from West Point that were busied with facts and figures from Alexandrine wars........... the African fighting kids also cited Whoopi Goldberg as inspiring characters, along with Gwen Stefani
back in Afghanistan -- the black rooks were vetting some newcomers to the war: Mel Gibson was amongst them;
'Gibson,' said King's side rook -- 'look man, we know what's going on with you, the Russians ruthlessly mined this entire country in the 1980s, the war they waged here is one of the great black spots on the Afghanis tragic, wilted, violent psyche: you will fit right in here, welcome to Afghanistan --- i want you to take this gun immediately and go and shoot some rats by the garbage tip.'
Gibson was feeling pretty down and just took the gun and did as he was told.
the veteran mercenaries from Africa (aged 10-13) had more combat experience under their belts than graduating Majors and Colonels from West Point that were busied with facts and figures from Alexandrine wars........... the African fighting kids also cited Whoopi Goldberg as inspiring characters, along with Gwen Stefani
back in Afghanistan -- the black rooks were vetting some newcomers to the war: Mel Gibson was amongst them;
'Gibson,' said King's side rook -- 'look man, we know what's going on with you, the Russians ruthlessly mined this entire country in the 1980s, the war they waged here is one of the great black spots on the Afghanis tragic, wilted, violent psyche: you will fit right in here, welcome to Afghanistan --- i want you to take this gun immediately and go and shoot some rats by the garbage tip.'
Gibson was feeling pretty down and just took the gun and did as he was told.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xxviii
U.S. ambassador Eikenberry, kike-end-dyke's security double, sat under a carpet in the U.S. embassy in Kabul embroidered by a local with a representation of barack obama in the middle of it....
everyone had just heard the news about the tragic self-immolation in a hospital followed by the mysterious and bizarre transformation into a giant ant -- a first in world history......
'have you heard the news?' Ching Eikenberry asked her husband the ambassador
'of course, it's all over town -- CNN is gonna do a live interview with me with Wolf Blitzer about it,'
'damn! - word travels fast! i heard Hamed Karzhai is gonna be holding a wake this evening at the Presidential Palace and his chef, you know, the one from India that makes those delicious little popadums and cream puffs is gonna be there!' said Ching.
'you mean the creams puffs on the custard tarts? those ones?' the U.S. ambassador asked expectantly.
'yep! those are the ones!' China nodded excitedly back at him.
everyone had just heard the news about the tragic self-immolation in a hospital followed by the mysterious and bizarre transformation into a giant ant -- a first in world history......
'have you heard the news?' Ching Eikenberry asked her husband the ambassador
'of course, it's all over town -- CNN is gonna do a live interview with me with Wolf Blitzer about it,'
'damn! - word travels fast! i heard Hamed Karzhai is gonna be holding a wake this evening at the Presidential Palace and his chef, you know, the one from India that makes those delicious little popadums and cream puffs is gonna be there!' said Ching.
'you mean the creams puffs on the custard tarts? those ones?' the U.S. ambassador asked expectantly.
'yep! those are the ones!' China nodded excitedly back at him.
general petreus assumes the some tstance in afghanistan part xxvii
Woods thought the mission was somewhat of a success, but she wasn't sure if Omar's 4th wife Kadeetha could relinquish her sadness......... as the other 3 wives talked about U.S. Vice-President Biden's ideas for liberating Afghanistan, and if they could work, Woods, with what only a woman's intuition could master, noticed that Kadeetha wasn't eating her ice-cream and was crying as part of her face blistered up...... she went to comfort her:
'there there, oooooohhhh,' she said, making a pouty face, 'let me help you with your boo-boo.'
in fact, Kadeetha's boo-boo was her entire largest organ, her skin --- it would need some treatment....
'come on, let me take you to a doctor,' and woods/simpson bid the other three women adieu and left them in the charge of the hashish smoking/heroin injecting Afghan police and took Kadeetha to a hospital for her minor burns.....
'you know,' woods/simpson said as they started up again, 'i had a boyfriend once in colorado on the ski slopes, he did a bad turn by me and i cried for days and ate ice-cream and put on 4 pounds.'
Kadeetha didn't smile back -- 'gosh-darn' thought Woods/simpson, she must be feeling really down..... Woods/simpson gleaned from Kadeetha that Omar's other three wives hated her as they were from Pakistan and loved to play cricket whereas Kadeetha was from the North of Afghanistan where nobody played cricket.....
at the best hospital nearest to them, Woods/simpson got Kadeetha admitted and wondered if maybe a psychiatrist and some anti-depressants wouldn't do the trick.....
as woods/simpson waited for Kadeetha to get some treatment she wondered why the United Nations didn't just declare the entire country insane and order them all to take cheap anti-psychotics........ she thought about her ex-boyfriend in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and what it would take to get him off his surfboard and skateboard and go to medical school to become a veterinarian.....
at that moment, woods/simpson heard various screams start to come from the large hall where nurses were performing triage on scores of patients.... she noticed in one corner -- several nurses and doctors were trying to approach one patient that was on fire
'Kadeetha! Nooooo!' woods screamed.....
but what was happening was even stranger -- the doctors and nurses couldn't put the fire out even with fire extinguishers............ the form under the fire, had been Kadeetha but it was bizarrely starting to shape-shift and grow larger and larger ---- in moments it assumed the form of a giant ant --- with massive claws for a beak and long black legs and a large black body in three parts.......... Woods/simpson, far from being a racist, ran to help Kadeetha despite her color....... 'Kadeetha, no!!!!' called Woods........ but it was too late -- Kadeetha was no longer -- now, in her place was a giant black ant --- during the metamorphis -- there were strange high-pitched screaming sounds like from the exorcist and a soundtrack materialized from nowhere with spine-chilling sounds like from a horror movie......
ssssqqquuuuirrty-splat!!!! a loud liquid whooshing squirty-splat sound was heard as the giant black ant that was Kadeetha squirted acidic liquid from her back at the doctors and nurses foolishly trying to put the fire out that was almost no longer existent.....
'aaaaaarrrgghh!' they screamed as the acid burnt their faces of ...........
* * *
in the meantime, the two black rooks were watching everything through a hidden camera they had placed in woods/simpsons necklace carrying her combat tags....
'top that!' said sampson
'ruff!' said smith and the two bounded for joy into eachother's chests which smacked against eachother
'there there, oooooohhhh,' she said, making a pouty face, 'let me help you with your boo-boo.'
in fact, Kadeetha's boo-boo was her entire largest organ, her skin --- it would need some treatment....
'come on, let me take you to a doctor,' and woods/simpson bid the other three women adieu and left them in the charge of the hashish smoking/heroin injecting Afghan police and took Kadeetha to a hospital for her minor burns.....
'you know,' woods/simpson said as they started up again, 'i had a boyfriend once in colorado on the ski slopes, he did a bad turn by me and i cried for days and ate ice-cream and put on 4 pounds.'
Kadeetha didn't smile back -- 'gosh-darn' thought Woods/simpson, she must be feeling really down..... Woods/simpson gleaned from Kadeetha that Omar's other three wives hated her as they were from Pakistan and loved to play cricket whereas Kadeetha was from the North of Afghanistan where nobody played cricket.....
at the best hospital nearest to them, Woods/simpson got Kadeetha admitted and wondered if maybe a psychiatrist and some anti-depressants wouldn't do the trick.....
as woods/simpson waited for Kadeetha to get some treatment she wondered why the United Nations didn't just declare the entire country insane and order them all to take cheap anti-psychotics........ she thought about her ex-boyfriend in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and what it would take to get him off his surfboard and skateboard and go to medical school to become a veterinarian.....
at that moment, woods/simpson heard various screams start to come from the large hall where nurses were performing triage on scores of patients.... she noticed in one corner -- several nurses and doctors were trying to approach one patient that was on fire
'Kadeetha! Nooooo!' woods screamed.....
but what was happening was even stranger -- the doctors and nurses couldn't put the fire out even with fire extinguishers............ the form under the fire, had been Kadeetha but it was bizarrely starting to shape-shift and grow larger and larger ---- in moments it assumed the form of a giant ant --- with massive claws for a beak and long black legs and a large black body in three parts.......... Woods/simpson, far from being a racist, ran to help Kadeetha despite her color....... 'Kadeetha, no!!!!' called Woods........ but it was too late -- Kadeetha was no longer -- now, in her place was a giant black ant --- during the metamorphis -- there were strange high-pitched screaming sounds like from the exorcist and a soundtrack materialized from nowhere with spine-chilling sounds like from a horror movie......
ssssqqquuuuirrty-splat!!!! a loud liquid whooshing squirty-splat sound was heard as the giant black ant that was Kadeetha squirted acidic liquid from her back at the doctors and nurses foolishly trying to put the fire out that was almost no longer existent.....
'aaaaaarrrgghh!' they screamed as the acid burnt their faces of ...........
* * *
in the meantime, the two black rooks were watching everything through a hidden camera they had placed in woods/simpsons necklace carrying her combat tags....
'top that!' said sampson
'ruff!' said smith and the two bounded for joy into eachother's chests which smacked against eachother
general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan - post xxvi (post 147 of blog)
woods had finished mingling with the two would-be suicide bombers outside and finished her secret communication with the king's side rook via a hidden microphone in the collar of her stylish crisp and white business shirt (with stylish large collars) as she re-entered the mediterranean-styled apartment of Omar via the sliding glass doors at the rear that lead into a secondary, back-up kitchen --- she noticed that Omar's 4th wife was dousing oil on herself and then threw a match on herself -- lighting herself up in flames:
'Omar, come quick! like your wife is totally on fire!' she called out.... then she searched for something to throw on her to put the flames out ---
Omar came running downstairs with a fire extinguisher and put the flames out -- happily -- Omar had moved so quickly -- Kabeecha (for that was Omar's 4th wife's name) was only afflicted with very minor burns ........
'are you insane?' yelled Omar at her as he beat her with his fists, 'elle, go and take Kabeecha and my other three wives to the shopping mall and buy them some nice clothes with this money,' Omar said to Woods/simpson and gave her a grip of cash -- around 5000$ u.s. dollars in marked $100 bills
'you two, escort the ladies,' Omar indicated two guys in Afghan police outfits that had bought their police uniforms at a local market for $10 each.... both men were stoned on hashish and tripping on heroin --- they felt romantic and daring -- and a little bit heterosexual, like BBC radio announcers --- 'can do, boss,' they replied......
Woods/simpson took Omar's four wives to the mall as instructed and started applying her considerable knowledge of fashion to good use...... meanwhile, at one point, during a stop for delicious iced-coffee with ice-cream --- the four wives each told Woods/simpson about the first time Omar had raped them,
Hadeetha, Omar's first wife said as follows: 'i was standing in the fields, cultivating marijuana for use as hashish, Omar approached me, of course i knew who he was, he was very powerful in our region --- he asked me what a girl like me was doing in a town like this?'
'Omar, come quick! like your wife is totally on fire!' she called out.... then she searched for something to throw on her to put the flames out ---
Omar came running downstairs with a fire extinguisher and put the flames out -- happily -- Omar had moved so quickly -- Kabeecha (for that was Omar's 4th wife's name) was only afflicted with very minor burns ........
'are you insane?' yelled Omar at her as he beat her with his fists, 'elle, go and take Kabeecha and my other three wives to the shopping mall and buy them some nice clothes with this money,' Omar said to Woods/simpson and gave her a grip of cash -- around 5000$ u.s. dollars in marked $100 bills
'you two, escort the ladies,' Omar indicated two guys in Afghan police outfits that had bought their police uniforms at a local market for $10 each.... both men were stoned on hashish and tripping on heroin --- they felt romantic and daring -- and a little bit heterosexual, like BBC radio announcers --- 'can do, boss,' they replied......
Woods/simpson took Omar's four wives to the mall as instructed and started applying her considerable knowledge of fashion to good use...... meanwhile, at one point, during a stop for delicious iced-coffee with ice-cream --- the four wives each told Woods/simpson about the first time Omar had raped them,
Hadeetha, Omar's first wife said as follows: 'i was standing in the fields, cultivating marijuana for use as hashish, Omar approached me, of course i knew who he was, he was very powerful in our region --- he asked me what a girl like me was doing in a town like this?'
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xxv
Once upon a time in Afghanistan...
Yes, these pictures represent only a tiny elite in Kabul, or rather in Sher-e Naw, Wazir Akbar Khan and on the campus, totally isolated from the reality of the countryside. Many of them probably never visited a village. Not surprisingly this elite living in exile has built a very romantic image of the past, far from the reality... few women did work and wore Western clothes in Sher-e Naw, but certainly not in less affluent parts of the capital.
I started traveling in Afghanistan in the early 1970s and the huge gap between Kabul and the rest of the country was undeniable.
There was no electricity, no roads, no schools in the countryside. In the rural South the question was not whether girls went to school or not, boys did not go to school. I spent time in the 1980s in Zabul, Uruzgan, rural Kandahar, Logar, Ghazni... I was regularly mistaken for a Kabuli in Zabul (which saved me a couple of times !), people in the villages had never seen Westerners. Young mujahidin often asked me to tell them what Kabul was like, it was like another planet for them, they had never been there and were afraid of the city. Easy to imagine what they felt in September 1996 when they entered Kabul after joining the Taliban.
The gap between the cities (particularly Kabul and Mazar, Kandahar and Herat have always been more conservative) is still very much there.
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xxiv
Omar and his brother continued trading cards as they listened now to Snoop Dogg........
'laid back, i got my mind on my money and my money on my mind' sang Snoop Dogg
'look it's not Janet Reno but Janet Napolitano -- and anyway - i don't want either of them, no and i don't want robert gates either - i'll take British foreign secretary William Hague if you have it --- and Sedwill,'
'do you have Lt Colonel Christmas and British General Carter?'
'Yup!' said Omar as he puffed on a cigarrette, 'let's do a trade: give me three al-qaeda imam rabble-rousers on three different continents including one in Yemen and one in Somalia -- all yellow {NB: all of the same color meant that their electronic communications were unimpeachable} ---- and i'll give you 2 american muslims about to betray the star-spangled banner in the name of Islam,'
'it's a deal, but only if you can give me a small attack force on the Kabul-Kandahar highway with bridge bombing dynamite, rocket-launched grenades to use against a petrol carrying truck, and....'
'what do you mean, 'and.....?' -- isn't that enough for you already??????'
'well actually, i just wanted like 10 local afghan pleb beheaded by us in order to freak the local population out cards,'
'it's a deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'laid back, i got my mind on my money and my money on my mind' sang Snoop Dogg
'look it's not Janet Reno but Janet Napolitano -- and anyway - i don't want either of them, no and i don't want robert gates either - i'll take British foreign secretary William Hague if you have it --- and Sedwill,'
'do you have Lt Colonel Christmas and British General Carter?'
'Yup!' said Omar as he puffed on a cigarrette, 'let's do a trade: give me three al-qaeda imam rabble-rousers on three different continents including one in Yemen and one in Somalia -- all yellow {NB: all of the same color meant that their electronic communications were unimpeachable} ---- and i'll give you 2 american muslims about to betray the star-spangled banner in the name of Islam,'
'it's a deal, but only if you can give me a small attack force on the Kabul-Kandahar highway with bridge bombing dynamite, rocket-launched grenades to use against a petrol carrying truck, and....'
'what do you mean, 'and.....?' -- isn't that enough for you already??????'
'well actually, i just wanted like 10 local afghan pleb beheaded by us in order to freak the local population out cards,'
'it's a deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xxiii
further tales of schizophrenia in afghanistan
witherspoon/woods was kicking it with Omar and his brother at Omar's Helmand residence -- it was quite the crib........ Omar's 4 wives were there along with his 23 children and his brother Mushariff's (or whatever his name was) 4 wives and 15 children..... they were listening to red hot chili peppers
on a wall was a picture of uma thurman with one leg high up in the air above her head doing a guangdong pai-mei type kung-fu kick -- over her head in the poster was written 'here comes the bride' -- but someone had scrawled in in Pashtun "the 5th" between 'the' and 'bride'.........
Omar was kicking it in Gucci loafers, he assured woods/simpson that they were EXACTLY the same kind the Dalai Lama wore ...... of course that was no co-incidence......
Omar and his brother were getting their 8 wives to weigh and package their hashish
'you ever been to amsterdam?' Omar asked woods/simpson, 'please change those three babies' nappies over there, witherspoon, please? okay?'
Omar and his brother went on to swap playing cards like the ones from the Iraq war showing all of Saddam's ministers from the Ba'ath party, including some of the female ministers and generals that were privileged in the Arab world, along with all of Iraqi society, to be somewhat vanguard and more advanced............ these playing cards showed americans:
'i don't want fucking Mullens and Janet Reno, are you fucking insane?' said Omar to his brother and they looked to trade the valuable cards
'okay look, i'll be frank,' said Musharriff, 'i want Odierno, general rodriguez, petraeus and mcchrystal'
'well that's understandable, but don't come with Mullens and Janet Reno for crying out loud!' -- Omar shuffled his Gucci loafter on his right foot back and forth as he sipped on whisky -- it was always a lot of fun to trade cards
'do you have that thespian clown Panetta?'
* * *
witherspoon/woods/simpson finished changing nappies on three of the babies of some of the eight wives.......
'are you still thinking about going back to that loser in Virginia Beach? oh vey woman! - stay with me here in Helmand, it's going to be a real warzone this summer - the fall will be beautiful,' called out Omar to simpson/woods as she changed nappies
she had, in fact, been toying with the idea of putting her ex-boyfriend surfer/skater dude through veterinary school -- nobody thought he'd make it as a vet -- but that's what they said about her and law school
after the nappies were done she went outside and talked to the 2 young afghani guys that had said goodbye to their mother in the cherry blossom garden some other day -- the 2 suiciders with the full-on english accents:
'hey,' she said, 'what's up?'
'oh not much,' they replied with strong liverpool accents (they weren't from england however) 'just soaking up some sun before the big bang,'
'mm-hmm', said woods/simpson and gave them a wink and a smile
witherspoon/woods was kicking it with Omar and his brother at Omar's Helmand residence -- it was quite the crib........ Omar's 4 wives were there along with his 23 children and his brother Mushariff's (or whatever his name was) 4 wives and 15 children..... they were listening to red hot chili peppers
on a wall was a picture of uma thurman with one leg high up in the air above her head doing a guangdong pai-mei type kung-fu kick -- over her head in the poster was written 'here comes the bride' -- but someone had scrawled in in Pashtun "the 5th" between 'the' and 'bride'.........
Omar was kicking it in Gucci loafers, he assured woods/simpson that they were EXACTLY the same kind the Dalai Lama wore ...... of course that was no co-incidence......
Omar and his brother were getting their 8 wives to weigh and package their hashish
'you ever been to amsterdam?' Omar asked woods/simpson, 'please change those three babies' nappies over there, witherspoon, please? okay?'
Omar and his brother went on to swap playing cards like the ones from the Iraq war showing all of Saddam's ministers from the Ba'ath party, including some of the female ministers and generals that were privileged in the Arab world, along with all of Iraqi society, to be somewhat vanguard and more advanced............ these playing cards showed americans:
'i don't want fucking Mullens and Janet Reno, are you fucking insane?' said Omar to his brother and they looked to trade the valuable cards
'okay look, i'll be frank,' said Musharriff, 'i want Odierno, general rodriguez, petraeus and mcchrystal'
'well that's understandable, but don't come with Mullens and Janet Reno for crying out loud!' -- Omar shuffled his Gucci loafter on his right foot back and forth as he sipped on whisky -- it was always a lot of fun to trade cards
'do you have that thespian clown Panetta?'
* * *
witherspoon/woods/simpson finished changing nappies on three of the babies of some of the eight wives.......
'are you still thinking about going back to that loser in Virginia Beach? oh vey woman! - stay with me here in Helmand, it's going to be a real warzone this summer - the fall will be beautiful,' called out Omar to simpson/woods as she changed nappies
she had, in fact, been toying with the idea of putting her ex-boyfriend surfer/skater dude through veterinary school -- nobody thought he'd make it as a vet -- but that's what they said about her and law school
after the nappies were done she went outside and talked to the 2 young afghani guys that had said goodbye to their mother in the cherry blossom garden some other day -- the 2 suiciders with the full-on english accents:
'hey,' she said, 'what's up?'
'oh not much,' they replied with strong liverpool accents (they weren't from england however) 'just soaking up some sun before the big bang,'
'mm-hmm', said woods/simpson and gave them a wink and a smile
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xxii
the two rooks:
the two very african african-american colonels that chested eachother in mid-air were generally known by all and sundry as the two black rooks --- the names on their uniforms read sampson and smith --- but everyone just called them the two black rooks....... the did not want to ascend any higher in rank and hence become further removed from the ranks beneath them --- nor did they wish to have political careers in the future....
rumors about them were many: that they had arranged a tragic accident for a british nato general that made their lives too difficult using c4 plastic explosives ---- that they had once been so disgusted by a french general or admiral that kept referring to france as 'hexagon' that they had arranged for his food to be poisoned - almost killing him........... that they hated to lose, only knew how to spell one word: victory, that they were lovers of competition, staunch patriots, and even that they had butt-fucked eachother in the past -- more than once --- although it was also known that they were neither of them married and frequented whores.........
both of them loved combat and did not want the war to end for anything, they imagined how terrible they would feel surrounded by white women back in america with nasally, whiny, bullshitty voices and ideas......... they loved afghanistan
for them it was an ideal training ground for the future police of all 50 american states and australia and the other nato countries........ they didn't worry about the young kids who lost their lives here....... they figured they were making soldiers pay and weren't drafted or sent against their will as national guardsmen like in irak when things were getting desperate there --- they only like soldiers in afghanistan that were happy to soldier there --- that had become career soldiers because of the long duration of the two wars
one day, sampson and smith, or king's side rook and queen's side rook as they were known -- were reading books on war: one, about the famous german general, the desert fox, the other, the famous chinese book of war by sun tze or whoever wrote it.......
sampson said: 'you know, i'm getting pretty sick of all the bullshit, i think i'm gonna write a letter to mike mullen, head of joint-chief of staffs about my latest idea to deal with issues in pakistan'
smith asked him: 'what's your big idea?'
sampson said: 'look, the CIA is just there for years now just peppering away here and there with the drone planes, what a bunch of bullshit....... what we need is a serious surveillance of underground tunnels and caves there done with the right depth-seeking technology and aircraft/satellites whatever ... and then a concerted plan to knock it all out with bunker-busting bombs.........'
the two very african african-american colonels that chested eachother in mid-air were generally known by all and sundry as the two black rooks --- the names on their uniforms read sampson and smith --- but everyone just called them the two black rooks....... the did not want to ascend any higher in rank and hence become further removed from the ranks beneath them --- nor did they wish to have political careers in the future....
rumors about them were many: that they had arranged a tragic accident for a british nato general that made their lives too difficult using c4 plastic explosives ---- that they had once been so disgusted by a french general or admiral that kept referring to france as 'hexagon' that they had arranged for his food to be poisoned - almost killing him........... that they hated to lose, only knew how to spell one word: victory, that they were lovers of competition, staunch patriots, and even that they had butt-fucked eachother in the past -- more than once --- although it was also known that they were neither of them married and frequented whores.........
both of them loved combat and did not want the war to end for anything, they imagined how terrible they would feel surrounded by white women back in america with nasally, whiny, bullshitty voices and ideas......... they loved afghanistan
for them it was an ideal training ground for the future police of all 50 american states and australia and the other nato countries........ they didn't worry about the young kids who lost their lives here....... they figured they were making soldiers pay and weren't drafted or sent against their will as national guardsmen like in irak when things were getting desperate there --- they only like soldiers in afghanistan that were happy to soldier there --- that had become career soldiers because of the long duration of the two wars
one day, sampson and smith, or king's side rook and queen's side rook as they were known -- were reading books on war: one, about the famous german general, the desert fox, the other, the famous chinese book of war by sun tze or whoever wrote it.......
sampson said: 'you know, i'm getting pretty sick of all the bullshit, i think i'm gonna write a letter to mike mullen, head of joint-chief of staffs about my latest idea to deal with issues in pakistan'
smith asked him: 'what's your big idea?'
sampson said: 'look, the CIA is just there for years now just peppering away here and there with the drone planes, what a bunch of bullshit....... what we need is a serious surveillance of underground tunnels and caves there done with the right depth-seeking technology and aircraft/satellites whatever ... and then a concerted plan to knock it all out with bunker-busting bombs.........'
Monday, July 5, 2010
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xxi
a year after his retirement from the afghanistan theatre --- general mcchrystal -- no long general mcchrystal-meth abided at his home in Tulsa, Oklahoma with his wife of many decades.... he busily changed a diaper on his newly born grandson --- he chose Oklahoma as it seemed one of the less sissy-American states.......
the television played on in the background with the volume lowered and he wasn't much interested in it as he didn't spend much time, even in retirement, watching television .... then, suddenly, an image on the tv caught his attention and he called his wife over:
'come here sweatpeas -- turn the tv up please -- do you remember me telling you about the time some hollywood producers came to Kabul to study the conditions no the ground in Afghanistan for a sitcom they wanted to make?'
'uh-huh, yep, i remember that,'
'well it looks like this is the pilot,' he said, 'turn it up already, come on,'...
the two watched the show as the retired general continued changing nappies.....
the theme song was exactly the same as the 80s tv show: 'family ties' with michael j fox and the keatons.....
'what will we do baby, without us -- ooh oooh'....
'say, that's the same theme song as the 1980s tv show Family Ties,' said mrs. mccrhystal
they continued watching as scene i of the pilot unfolded... it turned out that the shows two principal characters were a gay military matrimony, husband and husband, based in afghanistan, with an adopted son who was also an explosives/bomb squad expert - expert at safely detonating bombs and mines.......
mcchyrstal's face turned white -- the blood drained away completely:
'wha, wha?' he stammered as his mouth and throat cleared out completely of saliva....
the television played on in the background with the volume lowered and he wasn't much interested in it as he didn't spend much time, even in retirement, watching television .... then, suddenly, an image on the tv caught his attention and he called his wife over:
'come here sweatpeas -- turn the tv up please -- do you remember me telling you about the time some hollywood producers came to Kabul to study the conditions no the ground in Afghanistan for a sitcom they wanted to make?'
'uh-huh, yep, i remember that,'
'well it looks like this is the pilot,' he said, 'turn it up already, come on,'...
the two watched the show as the retired general continued changing nappies.....
the theme song was exactly the same as the 80s tv show: 'family ties' with michael j fox and the keatons.....
'what will we do baby, without us -- ooh oooh'....
'say, that's the same theme song as the 1980s tv show Family Ties,' said mrs. mccrhystal
they continued watching as scene i of the pilot unfolded... it turned out that the shows two principal characters were a gay military matrimony, husband and husband, based in afghanistan, with an adopted son who was also an explosives/bomb squad expert - expert at safely detonating bombs and mines.......
mcchyrstal's face turned white -- the blood drained away completely:
'wha, wha?' he stammered as his mouth and throat cleared out completely of saliva....
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xx
witherspoon/woods stood before the fire at the dais where the bamiyan buddhas once stood... trying to remember more........
she recalled after she finished doing acupuncture.... that she went off to make tea for the boys while they sat in a steam-room -------- the afghanis with the english accents had left --- she approached the steam room and here the boys talking -- again in californian accents:
'once Tauron get's the ring of power, it will be all over for the Elves,' said Omar
'they won't stand a chance,' agreed his brother, 'the alliance of Men and Elves will crumble under the weight of Tauron's power.'
'now let's talk more about an organized mortar-attack on the Kandahar air base.'
she recalled after she finished doing acupuncture.... that she went off to make tea for the boys while they sat in a steam-room -------- the afghanis with the english accents had left --- she approached the steam room and here the boys talking -- again in californian accents:
'once Tauron get's the ring of power, it will be all over for the Elves,' said Omar
'they won't stand a chance,' agreed his brother, 'the alliance of Men and Elves will crumble under the weight of Tauron's power.'
'now let's talk more about an organized mortar-attack on the Kandahar air base.'
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xix
shortly after four-star general machrystal-meth had finished up with ex-four-star general kike-end-dyke, he had handcuffed him victoriously to a chair, locked his office door --- sworn his pa to secrecy on pain of death and despatched him and poured himself a glass of whisky after carefully washing his face with the adequate resources........... he cocked a leg up onto the other -- crossing them, as it were, sipped his whisky and said 'boo ya,' as he victoriously glanced at the subdued and handcuffed kike-end-dyke......... there was no more time to enjoy the moment as fate had it --- several hands knocked on the door --- macchrystal-meth expected it to be military police come to bring order, but when he opened the door, he was surprised to see a bunch of civilians, with fresh-faces -- looking like they were in afghanistan for the first time and straight out of america --- and by the looks of them, from LA too........ they were escorted and led-in by kike-end-dyke's pa ......... 'well, what's all this about then?' asked macchrystal-meth........
the pa responded: sir, these folks have flown in to Kandahar today from Los Angeles non-stop......... they just got a chopper right here from Kandahar and wish to speak to you about certain projects they have in development, sir,'
'ok, well everyone take a seat, take a seat, don't be shy, help yourselves to some whisky, the glasses are on the table, who are you and what is your business?' asked mac-chrystal-meth.......... kike-end-dyke was still knocked out cold although now and then his body moved as if he were in a dream
'sir, we represent a number of different entities in the entertainment business, in los angeles, california.... basically, we're interested in the possibility of launching a sitcom -- in the tradition of MASH,' said one of the smart young producers... he looked like the character from the David Lynch movie, Mullholland Drive, the director
'sir, that's correct sir,' piped up another bright and driven looking young woman, she'd certainly make a good artillery officer thought mac-chrystal-meth to himself, 'have you sever seen the tv show, MASH, sir?' she asked
'well, as a matter of fact, i have,' said the general
'well sir, what we'd like to do is send a team over here immediately to spend a couple of months, whatever it takes, doing observations, so that they're able to act as advizers to the writers when pre-production begins in LA later this year,' continued the smart looking woman
'that's right sir,' continued the first producer
'well okay, but this isn't no mobile army surgical hospital like in MASH,' mac-chrystal-meth continued, 'it's more like Hogan's Heros than that --- but the Taliban don't have any operating prison camps anyway,' the general said
'sir we totally understand,' said yet another producer, but it was obvious by the way macchrystal-meth looked at him, like he were a pathetic insect that was somehow blocking the launch of an important missile, so the female producer, that looked to macchrystal-meth like she'd have the right stuff to make a darned-good artillery officer tactfully interupted, 'sir we completely understand,' she said
the pa responded: sir, these folks have flown in to Kandahar today from Los Angeles non-stop......... they just got a chopper right here from Kandahar and wish to speak to you about certain projects they have in development, sir,'
'ok, well everyone take a seat, take a seat, don't be shy, help yourselves to some whisky, the glasses are on the table, who are you and what is your business?' asked mac-chrystal-meth.......... kike-end-dyke was still knocked out cold although now and then his body moved as if he were in a dream
'sir, we represent a number of different entities in the entertainment business, in los angeles, california.... basically, we're interested in the possibility of launching a sitcom -- in the tradition of MASH,' said one of the smart young producers... he looked like the character from the David Lynch movie, Mullholland Drive, the director
'sir, that's correct sir,' piped up another bright and driven looking young woman, she'd certainly make a good artillery officer thought mac-chrystal-meth to himself, 'have you sever seen the tv show, MASH, sir?' she asked
'well, as a matter of fact, i have,' said the general
'well sir, what we'd like to do is send a team over here immediately to spend a couple of months, whatever it takes, doing observations, so that they're able to act as advizers to the writers when pre-production begins in LA later this year,' continued the smart looking woman
'that's right sir,' continued the first producer
'well okay, but this isn't no mobile army surgical hospital like in MASH,' mac-chrystal-meth continued, 'it's more like Hogan's Heros than that --- but the Taliban don't have any operating prison camps anyway,' the general said
'sir we totally understand,' said yet another producer, but it was obvious by the way macchrystal-meth looked at him, like he were a pathetic insect that was somehow blocking the launch of an important missile, so the female producer, that looked to macchrystal-meth like she'd have the right stuff to make a darned-good artillery officer tactfully interupted, 'sir we completely understand,' she said
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xviii
Omar and his brother -- days before the end of Witherspoon/Wood's mission --- towards the end of June -- are in a secret meeting with top commanders from Al-Qaeda and the Taliban: the Jirga is held in a large home in Kandahar -- certain Al-Qaeda leaders have travelled overland over the border from Pakistan -- from various parts of Pakistan, the Swat valley, etc.... certain suicide bombers travelled from Pakistan to attend this Jirga...
'Upshallom Allah, wassallah ...... bla bla bla bla bla', lead one cleric the others in pray-ful chanting......... the official and solemn chanting took some 10 minutes..... some two-score and more of men sat on the floor with machine-guns behind them -- repeating the long and flowing, defiant Islamic chanting..... when it was finally over, one man stood before the others and addressed them,
'brothers, as you know, the filthy American infidels and their infidel Western neighbours step with impunity everyday on our Islamic land.... even their women, dressed as soldiers, with their hair freely flowing, walk amongst our children.... this insufferable insult has plagued us for years now........ hence we have planned an assault on an infidel target in the northern city of Kunduz for the second of July.... they will not expect us to strike there so we will make the overland journey slowly by stages --- our communications for the travelling-to-Kunduz phase will be secured and only for emergencies --- we will meet there on the night of the 1st of July --- apache helicopter patrols will be passing by these sites', by this point the captain had a map behind him which he pointed to as he explained, 'each mujahadeen will make his way to Kunduz as he sees fit, either this way, this way or this way.... the main thing is to meet at the home of Mohammed Wasallah no later than midnight July 1st --- six martyrs have travelled to us overland from Pakistan from the Pashtun tribal areas there to sacrifice their lives for Islam and to send a message to the Western infidels that they are not welcome here ---- the six bombers and 15 gunmen was assault this infidel NGO building at this location --- 5 gunmen will occupy these positions and provide covering fire and defend against comers from the street --- the other 10 gunmen and six suicide-bombers will storm through the only entrance --- the gunmen will enter first and shoot who they can -- the suicide bombers shall penetrate as far as they can into the building -- being sure to detonate their bombs quickly before being shot..... our spies have noticed this site has very little defence and so there will be very little defensive gunfire to worry about.......
any questions?'
'Upshallom Allah, wassallah ...... bla bla bla bla bla', lead one cleric the others in pray-ful chanting......... the official and solemn chanting took some 10 minutes..... some two-score and more of men sat on the floor with machine-guns behind them -- repeating the long and flowing, defiant Islamic chanting..... when it was finally over, one man stood before the others and addressed them,
'brothers, as you know, the filthy American infidels and their infidel Western neighbours step with impunity everyday on our Islamic land.... even their women, dressed as soldiers, with their hair freely flowing, walk amongst our children.... this insufferable insult has plagued us for years now........ hence we have planned an assault on an infidel target in the northern city of Kunduz for the second of July.... they will not expect us to strike there so we will make the overland journey slowly by stages --- our communications for the travelling-to-Kunduz phase will be secured and only for emergencies --- we will meet there on the night of the 1st of July --- apache helicopter patrols will be passing by these sites', by this point the captain had a map behind him which he pointed to as he explained, 'each mujahadeen will make his way to Kunduz as he sees fit, either this way, this way or this way.... the main thing is to meet at the home of Mohammed Wasallah no later than midnight July 1st --- six martyrs have travelled to us overland from Pakistan from the Pashtun tribal areas there to sacrifice their lives for Islam and to send a message to the Western infidels that they are not welcome here ---- the six bombers and 15 gunmen was assault this infidel NGO building at this location --- 5 gunmen will occupy these positions and provide covering fire and defend against comers from the street --- the other 10 gunmen and six suicide-bombers will storm through the only entrance --- the gunmen will enter first and shoot who they can -- the suicide bombers shall penetrate as far as they can into the building -- being sure to detonate their bombs quickly before being shot..... our spies have noticed this site has very little defence and so there will be very little defensive gunfire to worry about.......
any questions?'
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xvii
about halfway thru-witherspoon/wood's mission --- so around june 15 - 2010 -- general petraeus visited afghanistan from irak -- nobody knew at this point that mcchyrstal-meth would be fired by the commander in chief obama due to some rolling stone article --- petraeus was just visitng for general affairs of duty...
at one point, a scottish field captain, accustomed to continual combat, from both years in afghanistan and also in irak approached the general's office....
'captain machamish, how are you? take a sit,' he said, shaking the captain's hand
'thank you sir,' said machamish in a strong scottish accent.... two colonels stood behind machamish - both american soldiers, african-american as fate had it.......
'what can i do you for? say, won't you the captain in charge of the joint skirmish last april in the south, the one that led to over 100 kills with zero civilian casualties?'
'sir, yessir, that was me,' said the scottish captain, he was too tired, having been awake for the past 30 hours with no more than a handful of 5 minute naps, hence he had no energy for egotistical displays neither of bashfulness, humility, nor pride and head-swelling
'well that was some excellent soldiering! we're not authorized to give you a congressional medal of honor for your actions there but i can reward you with a mchappy meal i've flown in from irak today,'
'sir, that would be wonderful,'
'great, i'll have the colonels arrange it for you, what else can i do you for,' petraeus asked him
'ahhh aye,' said the Scotsman with the heavy scottish accent, 'sir,' said the scotsman, pouring himself a glass of whisky from petraeus' table, without asking first about it, 'you know, i'm one of the higher ranking officers that actually goes out regularly on combat missions... i've served 5 tours in irak and 3 in afghanistan... i enjoy combat and i consider myself a real soldier, a soldierer.... sir, i've come here to ask you that you allow the lads in the american 5th command unit to how the next 48hours off, effective immediately -- so that they can spend the time with my soldiers on R&R here in Kabul, in my expert opinion -- they would be better of for it -- many of them, like myself, have slept last than half an hour in the past 30 hours and have been busy in combat and occupying stressful positions physically for hours on end,'
'sir, the final decision would lie with general mcchrystal, this is his theatre,' said petraeus as he rose from his desk to usher the scottish captain away -- the scot, finished his drink and took to his feet -- petraeus now by his side put a hand on his shoulder and said:
'but between me and you, nudge, nudge, wink, wink!' said the general and tousled the scottish captain's here playfully --- the scot in turn, smiled broadly and took to his heels to leave --- petraeus sealing the deal with a playful and solid smack to the Scottish Captain's bottom as he left
as the Scot left the office, the two African-American colonels --- full Africans, darker than the night sky, ejaculated: 'top that! rrrrrrrrrrrruf!' and leapt at eachother's chests with chests protruding and slammed into eachother's chests at full-speed in mid-air
at one point, a scottish field captain, accustomed to continual combat, from both years in afghanistan and also in irak approached the general's office....
'captain machamish, how are you? take a sit,' he said, shaking the captain's hand
'thank you sir,' said machamish in a strong scottish accent.... two colonels stood behind machamish - both american soldiers, african-american as fate had it.......
'what can i do you for? say, won't you the captain in charge of the joint skirmish last april in the south, the one that led to over 100 kills with zero civilian casualties?'
'sir, yessir, that was me,' said the scottish captain, he was too tired, having been awake for the past 30 hours with no more than a handful of 5 minute naps, hence he had no energy for egotistical displays neither of bashfulness, humility, nor pride and head-swelling
'well that was some excellent soldiering! we're not authorized to give you a congressional medal of honor for your actions there but i can reward you with a mchappy meal i've flown in from irak today,'
'sir, that would be wonderful,'
'great, i'll have the colonels arrange it for you, what else can i do you for,' petraeus asked him
'ahhh aye,' said the Scotsman with the heavy scottish accent, 'sir,' said the scotsman, pouring himself a glass of whisky from petraeus' table, without asking first about it, 'you know, i'm one of the higher ranking officers that actually goes out regularly on combat missions... i've served 5 tours in irak and 3 in afghanistan... i enjoy combat and i consider myself a real soldier, a soldierer.... sir, i've come here to ask you that you allow the lads in the american 5th command unit to how the next 48hours off, effective immediately -- so that they can spend the time with my soldiers on R&R here in Kabul, in my expert opinion -- they would be better of for it -- many of them, like myself, have slept last than half an hour in the past 30 hours and have been busy in combat and occupying stressful positions physically for hours on end,'
'sir, the final decision would lie with general mcchrystal, this is his theatre,' said petraeus as he rose from his desk to usher the scottish captain away -- the scot, finished his drink and took to his feet -- petraeus now by his side put a hand on his shoulder and said:
'but between me and you, nudge, nudge, wink, wink!' said the general and tousled the scottish captain's here playfully --- the scot in turn, smiled broadly and took to his heels to leave --- petraeus sealing the deal with a playful and solid smack to the Scottish Captain's bottom as he left
as the Scot left the office, the two African-American colonels --- full Africans, darker than the night sky, ejaculated: 'top that! rrrrrrrrrrrruf!' and leapt at eachother's chests with chests protruding and slammed into eachother's chests at full-speed in mid-air
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xvi
'oh now i remember what i wanted to ask you Omar!' said witherspoon/woods/simpson
'go ahead baby, shoot!' retorted Omar
'Omar honey, why do the Afghanistanis hate the Americans so much?'
Omar raised his head from the little hole in the bed it was resting through... and by the tone of voice woods was using, he was sure she was serious, feeling very patient, he sat himself down on the acupuncture bed -- with the needles still sticking out of his back, he held her by one of her hands ---
'darling, you're a beautiful woman, i will try to explain it to you, okay?' he waited for her to acknowledge that, and continued, 'baby, do you remember the time, as documented in the documentary Legally Blonde I, that you tried to get into Harvard law school and finally, even though nobody thought you'd make it, you got in.... do u remember you wanted to make friends with certain people there, but they just didn't like you?'
'yeah...' replied witherspoon/simpson....
'well, those people didn't like you coz of your californian accent and ways -- you were way out of your zone in the New England states of America -- if you wanted to see a USC game you would have to wait until they played locally on an away game and then they would just be a visiting band of un-loved outsiders --- everybody watching them play would be rooting for the other team,' he waited to see if she was following him,
'uh-huh, but i don't see any Afghanis playing badminton here, not even the ones with two legs,' she replied with her big baby-blue eyes and her cutesy face (now a little scuffed by war with a few grease stains on it and some black combat ink Omar had smeared under her eyes to absorb sun-light during daytime combat
'you don't see any Afghanis playing badminton here,' Omar asked
'well yeah, all the Chinese working on the Copper mines and the railway and this that and the other are always playing badminton in their free time, you never kill and hate on the chinese, so why don't you follow their example and start playing badminton,' she asked
Omar, far from feeling upset at her questions, respected her intelligence, and went on to reason with her, 'do you know what the lymph system is?'
'yes, it's a network of cables and tubes within the body that removes waste --- whatever the bottom doesn't poop out and whatever isn't pissed off gets taken care of by the lymph system and the sweat glands -- unless it gets puked out
'right, right, and we don't puke much out here because we're Muslims, so we don't drink much alcohol here -- all the puking gets done by American G.I.s, their visiting families from the States and the Chinese laborers that are building up the Copper mines --- coz they're the ones into alcoholism.....
'so what's your point?' asked witherspoon/woods/simpson
'does the waste in the Lymph system go in two directions or just one?'
'just one, if the waste were to get sucked back where it came from, there are valves that block it -- the constant waste produced by the human body, in it's natural, healthy state, can only travel in one direction,'
'okay,' said Omar, 'so i want you to think about that for a while and about Afghanistan's relationships with America and China...
and having said this, Omar lay back down for further acupuncture treatment....
he continued talking with his brother,
'if we could only get a nuclear bomb, we could take out the safe-T-zone in Kabul once and for all -- or even just a small atom bomb -- we don't have anything big enough, bomb-wise,'
'go ahead baby, shoot!' retorted Omar
'Omar honey, why do the Afghanistanis hate the Americans so much?'
Omar raised his head from the little hole in the bed it was resting through... and by the tone of voice woods was using, he was sure she was serious, feeling very patient, he sat himself down on the acupuncture bed -- with the needles still sticking out of his back, he held her by one of her hands ---
'darling, you're a beautiful woman, i will try to explain it to you, okay?' he waited for her to acknowledge that, and continued, 'baby, do you remember the time, as documented in the documentary Legally Blonde I, that you tried to get into Harvard law school and finally, even though nobody thought you'd make it, you got in.... do u remember you wanted to make friends with certain people there, but they just didn't like you?'
'yeah...' replied witherspoon/simpson....
'well, those people didn't like you coz of your californian accent and ways -- you were way out of your zone in the New England states of America -- if you wanted to see a USC game you would have to wait until they played locally on an away game and then they would just be a visiting band of un-loved outsiders --- everybody watching them play would be rooting for the other team,' he waited to see if she was following him,
'uh-huh, but i don't see any Afghanis playing badminton here, not even the ones with two legs,' she replied with her big baby-blue eyes and her cutesy face (now a little scuffed by war with a few grease stains on it and some black combat ink Omar had smeared under her eyes to absorb sun-light during daytime combat
'you don't see any Afghanis playing badminton here,' Omar asked
'well yeah, all the Chinese working on the Copper mines and the railway and this that and the other are always playing badminton in their free time, you never kill and hate on the chinese, so why don't you follow their example and start playing badminton,' she asked
Omar, far from feeling upset at her questions, respected her intelligence, and went on to reason with her, 'do you know what the lymph system is?'
'yes, it's a network of cables and tubes within the body that removes waste --- whatever the bottom doesn't poop out and whatever isn't pissed off gets taken care of by the lymph system and the sweat glands -- unless it gets puked out
'right, right, and we don't puke much out here because we're Muslims, so we don't drink much alcohol here -- all the puking gets done by American G.I.s, their visiting families from the States and the Chinese laborers that are building up the Copper mines --- coz they're the ones into alcoholism.....
'so what's your point?' asked witherspoon/woods/simpson
'does the waste in the Lymph system go in two directions or just one?'
'just one, if the waste were to get sucked back where it came from, there are valves that block it -- the constant waste produced by the human body, in it's natural, healthy state, can only travel in one direction,'
'okay,' said Omar, 'so i want you to think about that for a while and about Afghanistan's relationships with America and China...
and having said this, Omar lay back down for further acupuncture treatment....
he continued talking with his brother,
'if we could only get a nuclear bomb, we could take out the safe-T-zone in Kabul once and for all -- or even just a small atom bomb -- we don't have anything big enough, bomb-wise,'
Sunday, July 4, 2010
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xv
as witherspoon/woods/simpson listened to all of this, she was about to ask Omar a question, when she caught the end of his conversation with his brother:
'so a blonde and a brunette jump of a cliff, who hits the ground first?' ask Omar to his brother in a perfect Southern Californian accent....
'i don't know,' answered Omar's brother in the same accent
'the brunette, coz the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!'
ha ha ha ha ha ha-- the two brothers laughed
'oh, Omar, i forgot what i was going to ask you,' started witherspoon/woods/simpson -- the blonde joke and the heroin got her sidetracked --- she tried to remember --- english sounding afghanis outside -- there was a war in the 1980s with the Russians -- a lot of people here had lived through that and lost limbs --- trees --- growing oranges --- what was it she wanted to ask Omar about? she remembered that her relationship with him, with the sex and all, led her to believe she would be able to broach the topic without fear of repercussion -- but what was the topic? she was having a mental block --- soldiers -- no, mohammed, no .... she scratched her blonde head....
'so a blonde and a brunette jump of a cliff, who hits the ground first?' ask Omar to his brother in a perfect Southern Californian accent....
'i don't know,' answered Omar's brother in the same accent
'the brunette, coz the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!'
ha ha ha ha ha ha-- the two brothers laughed
'oh, Omar, i forgot what i was going to ask you,' started witherspoon/woods/simpson -- the blonde joke and the heroin got her sidetracked --- she tried to remember --- english sounding afghanis outside -- there was a war in the 1980s with the Russians -- a lot of people here had lived through that and lost limbs --- trees --- growing oranges --- what was it she wanted to ask Omar about? she remembered that her relationship with him, with the sex and all, led her to believe she would be able to broach the topic without fear of repercussion -- but what was the topic? she was having a mental block --- soldiers -- no, mohammed, no .... she scratched her blonde head....
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xiv
as witherspoon/woods listened to the conversation below --- she was most surprised by the perfect English accents with which the party of six spoke --- all of them sounded like they were born and raised in England........ Fatima, the mother, continued in perfect English tones:
'well i daresay, i'll miss you boys, 't won't be the same without you, not sure how i'll get by in the harvest times,' she said, sounding like she was from Kent --- as she wiped a tear from her face,
'oh, hangabout,' she continued, 'who's this then?' she asked as a western looking soldier approached them
'allo, allo,' said one of the clerics, 'what's all this about then?'
'sir,' said the soldier, 'i've come to gauge your interest in growing oranges,'
'are you a christian crusader then?' asked the 2nd cleric with a cockney accent
'no sir, i'm a canadian,' responded the smart looking soldier
'corr, blimey, a cadadian, get about then! i'll have naught to do with you!' said the 3rd cleric, 'who's your commanding officer then?'
'my commanding officer is the major-general in charge of all canadian troops in afghanistan sir,' replied the canadian
'well hangabout, hangabout,' said the mother, Fatima, sounding very English indeed, 'who's the highest authority, under God, of the Canadian people,' she asked
'well that would be the Queen Elizabeth the II of England, ma'am,' replied the Canadian
'well, what's so Maaajeeestic about her?' replied the mother, Fatima, in sarcastic tones.......
'well i daresay, i'll miss you boys, 't won't be the same without you, not sure how i'll get by in the harvest times,' she said, sounding like she was from Kent --- as she wiped a tear from her face,
'oh, hangabout,' she continued, 'who's this then?' she asked as a western looking soldier approached them
'allo, allo,' said one of the clerics, 'what's all this about then?'
'sir,' said the soldier, 'i've come to gauge your interest in growing oranges,'
'are you a christian crusader then?' asked the 2nd cleric with a cockney accent
'no sir, i'm a canadian,' responded the smart looking soldier
'corr, blimey, a cadadian, get about then! i'll have naught to do with you!' said the 3rd cleric, 'who's your commanding officer then?'
'my commanding officer is the major-general in charge of all canadian troops in afghanistan sir,' replied the canadian
'well hangabout, hangabout,' said the mother, Fatima, sounding very English indeed, 'who's the highest authority, under God, of the Canadian people,' she asked
'well that would be the Queen Elizabeth the II of England, ma'am,' replied the Canadian
'well, what's so Maaajeeestic about her?' replied the mother, Fatima, in sarcastic tones.......
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xiii
general mcchrystal (whose real name was mcchrystal-meth) -- became extremely flamoxed at kike-end-dyke's response -- he wasn't military, so it couldn't be dealt with as the usual insubordination --- however his impudence has caused a temporary involuntary reaction in general mcchrysal-meth's throat -- it started to choke up and in his shock at kike-end-dyke's impudence he was only able to mumble: 'wha? wha?' as he struggled to swallow in his quickly drying mouth and throat....
'you heard me you son-of-a-bitch!' kike-end-dyke, the ex-four star general cum american ambassador to afghanistan said, 'i'm getting pretty fucking sick of eating take out Malaysian, where's my fucking Burger King you stupid son of a bitch!!!??'
at this mcchrystal-meth went deeper into shock and at the same time was preparing a tactical assault -- somehow -- in all the emotional chaos, he chose to go in for a tackle at the waist, followed by a pin-down to the floor and unrestrained facial beating from above --------- before he could do this, kike-end-dyke had thrown his Malaysian soup all over him, burning mcchrystal-meth's face in the process with the scalding liquids of Johor Bahru: 'you fucking son of a bitch!' kike-end-dyke said as he deftly swerved left of mcchrystal-meth's charge --- mcchrystal-meth was left to tackle a heavy table
outside the Tajiki passed by again on a ride-on lawn mower
kike-end-dyke was rolling up his sleeves and starting to go psycho mentally as mcchrystal-meth finished crashing against the table and prepared to get himself up:
'it's not much to ask for is it? just a fucking whopper is all! you son of a bitch! you're un-american!' he said, and with that he launched a kick into mcchrystal-meth's hind quarters
this was about all mcchrystal-meth was going to take - he was fully out of his stupor now and was about to kick some arse........ he got himself up nicely and performed a leg-sweeping move on kike-end-dyke -- bringing him down to the floor -- he administered two kicks of his own to the downed ex four star general and said the following:
'your mother was never a teeth-brusher, and i fathom that you're not much of a tooth-brusher neither,'
he mounted the desk he had just crashed into and prepared for a bundy-splat as his face burned intensely with the scalding fluids of Johor Bahru.....
'i'm sicking of eating that shit!' kike-end-dyke was heard saying....
* * *
meanwhile, on the other side of the country, in Kandahar, as witherspoon/woods looked out the large window of Omar as she performed her acupuncture......... a new scene played out before her in the garden outside Omar's house...... in a beautiful, picturesque scene surrounded by lovely trees and a beautiful, manicured garden with Japanese cherry-blosoms, an older woman - old enough to be a grandmother, two men aged around 30 and three more men, older still and dressed in clerical garb entered the garden beneath witherspoon/woods gaze and sat themselves at the garden table.....
one of the cleric's began talking:
'Fatima, we are here to give you thanks for the sacrifice of your two sons,'
'Today,' continued another cleric, 'they will commit hare-kari,' as he said this he picked a Japanese lotus-cherry flower and placed it on the table before the suiciders' mother, Fatima (not the 3rd wife of Omar, but a different Fatima)...
'Mother, we will be sorry to leave you, but we feel there will be no future for us, fortunately we do not have children and have not married, so our passing will impact only on you -- we are so sorry to leave you mother, but we do this for Allah as there is nothing left for us to live for.'
'Upshallom Allah,' said the 3rd cleric, 'there it is, we will pay you $10,000 in these marked U.S. bank notes for your help, Fatima.
The first cleric spoke up again, 'hence he will detonate here,' he pointed at a map he placed on the table, 'the other should detonate here, like this we take care of both entry and exit zones and achieve maximum impact....
'you heard me you son-of-a-bitch!' kike-end-dyke, the ex-four star general cum american ambassador to afghanistan said, 'i'm getting pretty fucking sick of eating take out Malaysian, where's my fucking Burger King you stupid son of a bitch!!!??'
at this mcchrystal-meth went deeper into shock and at the same time was preparing a tactical assault -- somehow -- in all the emotional chaos, he chose to go in for a tackle at the waist, followed by a pin-down to the floor and unrestrained facial beating from above --------- before he could do this, kike-end-dyke had thrown his Malaysian soup all over him, burning mcchrystal-meth's face in the process with the scalding liquids of Johor Bahru: 'you fucking son of a bitch!' kike-end-dyke said as he deftly swerved left of mcchrystal-meth's charge --- mcchrystal-meth was left to tackle a heavy table
outside the Tajiki passed by again on a ride-on lawn mower
kike-end-dyke was rolling up his sleeves and starting to go psycho mentally as mcchrystal-meth finished crashing against the table and prepared to get himself up:
'it's not much to ask for is it? just a fucking whopper is all! you son of a bitch! you're un-american!' he said, and with that he launched a kick into mcchrystal-meth's hind quarters
this was about all mcchrystal-meth was going to take - he was fully out of his stupor now and was about to kick some arse........ he got himself up nicely and performed a leg-sweeping move on kike-end-dyke -- bringing him down to the floor -- he administered two kicks of his own to the downed ex four star general and said the following:
'your mother was never a teeth-brusher, and i fathom that you're not much of a tooth-brusher neither,'
he mounted the desk he had just crashed into and prepared for a bundy-splat as his face burned intensely with the scalding fluids of Johor Bahru.....
'i'm sicking of eating that shit!' kike-end-dyke was heard saying....
* * *
meanwhile, on the other side of the country, in Kandahar, as witherspoon/woods looked out the large window of Omar as she performed her acupuncture......... a new scene played out before her in the garden outside Omar's house...... in a beautiful, picturesque scene surrounded by lovely trees and a beautiful, manicured garden with Japanese cherry-blosoms, an older woman - old enough to be a grandmother, two men aged around 30 and three more men, older still and dressed in clerical garb entered the garden beneath witherspoon/woods gaze and sat themselves at the garden table.....
one of the cleric's began talking:
'Fatima, we are here to give you thanks for the sacrifice of your two sons,'
'Today,' continued another cleric, 'they will commit hare-kari,' as he said this he picked a Japanese lotus-cherry flower and placed it on the table before the suiciders' mother, Fatima (not the 3rd wife of Omar, but a different Fatima)...
'Mother, we will be sorry to leave you, but we feel there will be no future for us, fortunately we do not have children and have not married, so our passing will impact only on you -- we are so sorry to leave you mother, but we do this for Allah as there is nothing left for us to live for.'
'Upshallom Allah,' said the 3rd cleric, 'there it is, we will pay you $10,000 in these marked U.S. bank notes for your help, Fatima.
The first cleric spoke up again, 'hence he will detonate here,' he pointed at a map he placed on the table, 'the other should detonate here, like this we take care of both entry and exit zones and achieve maximum impact....
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xii
approximately, fifteen days into woods/witherspoon's oedipus mission to kill her father and have sex with her mother, ex four-star general-cum-diplomat Ambassador kike-end-dyke (with an reverse french accent on the final 'a' in diplomat) sat at his desk talking to his pa as the two ate Malaysian food with a combination of chopsticks and a large spoon for the soup:
'fucking mcchrystal! that stupid son-of-a-bitch took away our Burger King! Fuck!'
at that moment, an intern rushed in:
'sir, terrible news, the blue-prints to the Kabul-safe-T-zone have been stolen!'
'stoles-den!!!' replied Ambassador kike-end-dyke, what a predicament! with the blue-prints stolen, the Kabul safe-T-zone would be vulnerable to terrorist infiltration and destruction.... just as he realized that, he saw a Tajiki ride by his tent window on a ride-on lawn mower and he farted - intentionally pushing the fart out for effect after the unsettling gases and juices of the Malay cuissine took effect -- and accidentally shit his pants:
'look,' he said to his PA, 'this won't do -- get me 100 nappies, like the ones used in long-distance flights, like the ones worn by the stealth bombers that flew out of Kansas all those years ago right after 9/11 and started this goddam war,'....
at that moment general macchrystal stormed into kike-end-dyke's office chewing on tobacco and constantly squeezing a hand-spring of 10-pound pressure.... occasionally he spat tobacco onto the floor:
'kike-end-dyke -- the safe-T-zone blueprints have been stolen and our most important base's security is now compromised! furthermore, intelligence reports that certain Taliban in the Kandahar region are actively seeking fissile materials through various agents from renegade agents in Russia and the Iranians!'
'well what do you think? you think i'm just sitting here with my dick in my hand eating Burger King?!! is that what you think?!!'
'fucking mcchrystal! that stupid son-of-a-bitch took away our Burger King! Fuck!'
at that moment, an intern rushed in:
'sir, terrible news, the blue-prints to the Kabul-safe-T-zone have been stolen!'
'stoles-den!!!' replied Ambassador kike-end-dyke, what a predicament! with the blue-prints stolen, the Kabul safe-T-zone would be vulnerable to terrorist infiltration and destruction.... just as he realized that, he saw a Tajiki ride by his tent window on a ride-on lawn mower and he farted - intentionally pushing the fart out for effect after the unsettling gases and juices of the Malay cuissine took effect -- and accidentally shit his pants:
'look,' he said to his PA, 'this won't do -- get me 100 nappies, like the ones used in long-distance flights, like the ones worn by the stealth bombers that flew out of Kansas all those years ago right after 9/11 and started this goddam war,'....
at that moment general macchrystal stormed into kike-end-dyke's office chewing on tobacco and constantly squeezing a hand-spring of 10-pound pressure.... occasionally he spat tobacco onto the floor:
'kike-end-dyke -- the safe-T-zone blueprints have been stolen and our most important base's security is now compromised! furthermore, intelligence reports that certain Taliban in the Kandahar region are actively seeking fissile materials through various agents from renegade agents in Russia and the Iranians!'
'well what do you think? you think i'm just sitting here with my dick in my hand eating Burger King?!! is that what you think?!!'
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part xi
the french word for avocado is the same as the word for lawyer: avocat
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part x
as witherspoon/woods went on applying acupuncture needles to the two brothers, Omar and Mushariff, she enjoyed the high she was enjoying... she had used a needle of a different kind to inject herself with heroin.... she felt great! -- 'shninki ploopsie,' she happily sang to herself in her mind.... strangely enough, the heroin she was currently on wasn't locally grown, although there was plenty of that from Omar to have, but rather she had gotten this from her special ops handler in the u.s. army -- 'try it out,' he said, 'it's from northern thailand, a little different to the locally grown stuff,'....... he went on to tell her about the profits he was making within the united states airforce courier-ing drugs around from place to place, often taped down inside the jet engines that sat on the the large wings of the transport planes....
her consciousness drifted back to Omar and his brother's conversation, her fingers unconsciously worked their magic with the acupuncture needles, so adept was she at this skill......... she heard Omar saying something about the need to procure nuclear or atomic bombs or even bomblets -- or materials they could use to make their own high impact bombs so as to end this thing once and for all --- 'Iran, China, Russia, there MUST be a way!' he roared as he pounded his fist down on a little table between the two beds where the two lay face-down -- some tea was upset by his fist slamming down...........
Witherspoon/Woods drifted back mentally to her father back in America, not her father from the Legally Blonde movie that put her through Harvard Law School, but her real father, Homer Simpson, she recalled with bitter shame the humiliation she felt when the motor vehicle he invented, 'The Homer', failed miserably.......... she remembered her second cousin, Allie Sheedy, and the documentary she made called, 'the Breakfast Club', and how, even then as a 23-year-old high school senior, she, like her father, had terrible personal hygiene and a love-affair with Afghanistan....... she raised her head from Omar's back and looked out the large glass windows to Kandahar below her....
her consciousness drifted back to Omar and his brother's conversation, her fingers unconsciously worked their magic with the acupuncture needles, so adept was she at this skill......... she heard Omar saying something about the need to procure nuclear or atomic bombs or even bomblets -- or materials they could use to make their own high impact bombs so as to end this thing once and for all --- 'Iran, China, Russia, there MUST be a way!' he roared as he pounded his fist down on a little table between the two beds where the two lay face-down -- some tea was upset by his fist slamming down...........
Witherspoon/Woods drifted back mentally to her father back in America, not her father from the Legally Blonde movie that put her through Harvard Law School, but her real father, Homer Simpson, she recalled with bitter shame the humiliation she felt when the motor vehicle he invented, 'The Homer', failed miserably.......... she remembered her second cousin, Allie Sheedy, and the documentary she made called, 'the Breakfast Club', and how, even then as a 23-year-old high school senior, she, like her father, had terrible personal hygiene and a love-affair with Afghanistan....... she raised her head from Omar's back and looked out the large glass windows to Kandahar below her....
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part ix
afghanistan, you may be surprised to learn, has an internationally touring cricket team
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part viii
witherspoon/woods went on before her now lit fire before the now empty dais of the so-called bamiyan buddhas..... as she stared into the embers of the fire -- she began to recall more of the previous weeks in flashback style -- there was a one week R&R flight to Paris, France... she walked down the champs-elysee away from the arch-de-triomphe and towards the similar, modern day arch of 'la defense'....... her special ops handler had ordered her to get R&R right there in Paris after her involvement in a suicide bombing days earlier...... she was walking in a small market-place in Kandahar listening to her i-pod -- her pink fatigues now blood-red with blood from soldiers and civilians of north america and afghanistan and pakistan... muslim, christian and buddhist.... as she walked along, listening to Avril Lavigne on her i-Pod.... she looked at shawls for sale, and knick-knacks from china --- she wanted something cute like the official shawl worn by Presiden Karzhai ---- suddenly the ground shook and she was aware of a ringing sound in her ears -- she looked up half expecting to see people around her laughing at her as she remembered a time from college when friends of hers placed 10 cigarrette bombs (instead of just one) in her cigarrette which led it to explode in her face leaving a butt in her mouth and her ears ringing....... when she looked up she was shocked to see a sloppy, grisly mess of body parts and blood around her, spattered everywhere.......
stoking the fire, still in her now red fatigues, she next recalled how after the suicide bombing she was sitting in a room with an army psychiatrist and how she began to cry as she recalled the event -- she had never cried like that before -- her throat burned and even hurt her as it felt lumpy inside her --- her lungs jerked open and closed spasmodically, out of her control -- she was hyperventilating --- warm tears streamed in rivers from her eyes --- the psychiatrist was going to just let her cry it out without administering any mild sedatives....
as she stoked the fire she tried to recall if the crying incident was before or after the first time she had sex with Omar Sharrif....
she went on to remember another time, she was with Omar Sharrif and his brother from the Taliban, placing acupuncture needles into their backs --- she listened to them converse in english with californian accents for her own benefit (so as she understand) -- instead of conversing in Pashtun.......... 'the Americans flew by lower base yesterday and dropped a load of money over us, two million dollars in total, all in marked $100 bills', Sharrif said to his brother, to which his brother Musharif responded, 'excellent, $10,000 for our russian minefield clearing exercise, $20,000 to fund our get-miniature nuclear-warheads drive, another $50,000 for arms and maintenance, we need more mortars and to insure that our shoulder-launched capabilities remain heat-seeking....... $100,000 for laptop computers and IT encryption...... the usual $1,000,000 for our tribe's paychecks, what do you suggest we do with the rest of it?'
stoking the fire, still in her now red fatigues, she next recalled how after the suicide bombing she was sitting in a room with an army psychiatrist and how she began to cry as she recalled the event -- she had never cried like that before -- her throat burned and even hurt her as it felt lumpy inside her --- her lungs jerked open and closed spasmodically, out of her control -- she was hyperventilating --- warm tears streamed in rivers from her eyes --- the psychiatrist was going to just let her cry it out without administering any mild sedatives....
as she stoked the fire she tried to recall if the crying incident was before or after the first time she had sex with Omar Sharrif....
she went on to remember another time, she was with Omar Sharrif and his brother from the Taliban, placing acupuncture needles into their backs --- she listened to them converse in english with californian accents for her own benefit (so as she understand) -- instead of conversing in Pashtun.......... 'the Americans flew by lower base yesterday and dropped a load of money over us, two million dollars in total, all in marked $100 bills', Sharrif said to his brother, to which his brother Musharif responded, 'excellent, $10,000 for our russian minefield clearing exercise, $20,000 to fund our get-miniature nuclear-warheads drive, another $50,000 for arms and maintenance, we need more mortars and to insure that our shoulder-launched capabilities remain heat-seeking....... $100,000 for laptop computers and IT encryption...... the usual $1,000,000 for our tribe's paychecks, what do you suggest we do with the rest of it?'
Saturday, July 3, 2010
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part vii
witherspoon woke up -- the sun was in her eyes --- the mountains around her sloped down to a dusty plains.... she heard distant sounds of a herd and children..... she lay at the dais where stood the bamiyan buddhas before they were dinamited by the Taliban..... she remembered not how she got there --- she started playing music on an i-pod she found on her person.... the first thing she remembered after mentally breaking out of dreamland where she was slinging a gun before a mirror testing her revolver gunslinging speed was something a wise frenchman once told her, that the bamiyan buddhas weren't buddhas built after the time of the Buddha but actually many, many thousands of years older than that and built to symbolize the differing ratio of sizes of the different races of men that were, like the cyclops and giants, and those two races, yet to come........
witherspoon arose, while listening to her music........ her memory came in jaded patches...... yesterday she was with a tribe in southern afghanistan near pakistan...... a Taliban, Omar Shariff, had given her a small black gadget and told her to run to a shack and throw it through the window - she threw it through the win-
dow
two minutes after she threw it, she had run well away from the shack, as Omar Shariff had told her, and a standard u.s. fighter jet screamed towards them and launched a bomb....
'engage target,' said major bevett to his wingman on the fighter jet called in by the radio waves of the black gadget witherspoon had tossed into the shack
'target engaged, firing in three, two, one - whoosh,' replied major kelly
'shack!, target destroyed,' said major bevett as he watched the small shack explode with the 500 pound paveway missile they had launched onto it
nice work ms. woods said Omar Shariff, then he looked at his peers and said in Pashtun: 'the Americans are gonna get a nice surprise when they find out they just killed two of their own,' ........... to which his peers laughed ..... they had managed to capture two G.I.s and tied them up and left them in the shack and then threw in the black gadget to call in a U.S. airstrike -- the gadgets were bought up from tribal villagers in Pakistan that were offered them by the CIA in order to assassinate bad guys
...............
woods/witherspoon, again alone with her memories at the feet of where once stood the bamiyan buddhas, began to forage for firewood and build a fire, she checked her revolver, it was loaded, she needn't worry, everybody in the country loved her, across a divided patchwork of relationships amongst different villagers and roving bands, all heavily involved in heroin/opium production........... she remembered another trying night, some two weeks ago:
she was with a Taliban crew in Kandahar...... the evening started nicely, roasting a spit pig over an open fire, drinking hot russian tea...... listening to a few rare strands of local tribal music, she remembered how during the times of the Taliban in the year or two leading up to 9/11 -- when Bin Laden had his base here, how music had been outlawed by the Taliban........ she was given a cup to drink, she tried it -- later, in the following days, she realized the daze that had come about thereafter probably was due to the contents of the cup......... Fatima Marshallah, the 3rd wife of Omar Musharriff had given it to her, she was sure Fatima was jealous of her as Omar Musharriff had started plying his amorous attentions on her, taking her one night under the moonlight, briefly ------- 'take this sister,' said Fatima to her, offering her the cup........ she put it to her lips and bravely drank..... in fact it was a mixture of Opium and the fungus that the Viking Beserker's used to drink before going into battle along with a tiny shot of rum smuggled in from Xinjiang, China........ later that night, after the spit pig fire... the crew she was with strolled a short distance to an embankment, after getting their fill of pigmeat, and took up positions on a ledge placed slightly above their target,
'commence operations men,' said the leader Omar Musharriff to his men
a long and bitter firefight began, Wood's Taliban were fighting with machine guns and shoulder launched rocket grenades, the enemy were canadians, at one point, Woods, although under the influence of drugs, was lucid enough to stay awake, walk around a little and observe the combat....... Mushariff came up to her from behind and put his strong arms around her and held her own hands on her machine gun, whatever ceremonial vestiges it had had until that point were gone as, with Musharriff's help, she blasted a number of bullets into the chest of a charging Canadian, all but making his body explode in a twisting and bizarre airborne gymnastic display
witherspoon arose, while listening to her music........ her memory came in jaded patches...... yesterday she was with a tribe in southern afghanistan near pakistan...... a Taliban, Omar Shariff, had given her a small black gadget and told her to run to a shack and throw it through the window - she threw it through the win-
dow
two minutes after she threw it, she had run well away from the shack, as Omar Shariff had told her, and a standard u.s. fighter jet screamed towards them and launched a bomb....
'engage target,' said major bevett to his wingman on the fighter jet called in by the radio waves of the black gadget witherspoon had tossed into the shack
'target engaged, firing in three, two, one - whoosh,' replied major kelly
'shack!, target destroyed,' said major bevett as he watched the small shack explode with the 500 pound paveway missile they had launched onto it
nice work ms. woods said Omar Shariff, then he looked at his peers and said in Pashtun: 'the Americans are gonna get a nice surprise when they find out they just killed two of their own,' ........... to which his peers laughed ..... they had managed to capture two G.I.s and tied them up and left them in the shack and then threw in the black gadget to call in a U.S. airstrike -- the gadgets were bought up from tribal villagers in Pakistan that were offered them by the CIA in order to assassinate bad guys
...............
woods/witherspoon, again alone with her memories at the feet of where once stood the bamiyan buddhas, began to forage for firewood and build a fire, she checked her revolver, it was loaded, she needn't worry, everybody in the country loved her, across a divided patchwork of relationships amongst different villagers and roving bands, all heavily involved in heroin/opium production........... she remembered another trying night, some two weeks ago:
she was with a Taliban crew in Kandahar...... the evening started nicely, roasting a spit pig over an open fire, drinking hot russian tea...... listening to a few rare strands of local tribal music, she remembered how during the times of the Taliban in the year or two leading up to 9/11 -- when Bin Laden had his base here, how music had been outlawed by the Taliban........ she was given a cup to drink, she tried it -- later, in the following days, she realized the daze that had come about thereafter probably was due to the contents of the cup......... Fatima Marshallah, the 3rd wife of Omar Musharriff had given it to her, she was sure Fatima was jealous of her as Omar Musharriff had started plying his amorous attentions on her, taking her one night under the moonlight, briefly ------- 'take this sister,' said Fatima to her, offering her the cup........ she put it to her lips and bravely drank..... in fact it was a mixture of Opium and the fungus that the Viking Beserker's used to drink before going into battle along with a tiny shot of rum smuggled in from Xinjiang, China........ later that night, after the spit pig fire... the crew she was with strolled a short distance to an embankment, after getting their fill of pigmeat, and took up positions on a ledge placed slightly above their target,
'commence operations men,' said the leader Omar Musharriff to his men
a long and bitter firefight began, Wood's Taliban were fighting with machine guns and shoulder launched rocket grenades, the enemy were canadians, at one point, Woods, although under the influence of drugs, was lucid enough to stay awake, walk around a little and observe the combat....... Mushariff came up to her from behind and put his strong arms around her and held her own hands on her machine gun, whatever ceremonial vestiges it had had until that point were gone as, with Musharriff's help, she blasted a number of bullets into the chest of a charging Canadian, all but making his body explode in a twisting and bizarre airborne gymnastic display
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part vi
witherspoon slept --- in her dreams she wasn't witherspoon but elle woods -- the blonde bimbo lawyer from the 'legally blonde' franchise..... thomas jefferson appeared to her in her dreams and asked her if she knew what the strongest, most ferocious, greatest fighting animal God had created, for its size/weight/body-mass ratio? she didn't know......... the ferret, jefferson told her
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part v
a month before petraeus' arrival in afghanistan in his role taking over macchrystal's leadership there, witherspoon began her angelina jolie like u.n. mission... she sat before a mirror in her quarters at bagram on site with u.s. special ops --- she listened to avril lavigne, fleetwood mac, and other assorted blonde goodies, getting into blonde character.......... in the large mirror, reflected were some images she had tacked up to the walls -- one was a giant image of the planet Saturn, replete with shining, glittery rings --- the caption below it read: SATURN/SATAN/CHRONOS and emblazoned on the rings was written: engirdles all with limits..... in the next picture was a porsche 911 on a beach at Venice Los angeles california, a speech caption coming from the 911 represented a Shakespearian quote: 'tarry a little, for the law hath one more hold on you,'...... there was also a picture of some president's desk with a pail on it and some assorted pictures of witherspoon with her favorite rock-n-rollers
witherspoon left her quarters in search of some fun at the nearby bar --- upon arriving she saw some soldiers crunk dancing to 50 cent music....... she didn't feel like staying for long so drank some diet coke and went back to her quarters.......
a special ops soldier had left a box with her containing recommended dvds, pamphlets, photocopied articles and pages --- the entire collection provided to her to home-school herself a little on the realities there...... she found one dvd of interest labelled: afghan insurgent combat skills: skillz that killz
she turned her avril lavigne music down and watched the dvd --- it showed an attack filmed by afghani rebels -- she couldn't understand what they were saying but it was subtitled in english....... very apparently they were attacking a small u.s. outpost -- the documentation included with the dvd stated that there were only 15 u.s. soldiers stationed there.... she was very impressed by the strength of their attack --- whizz whizz -- loud whizzing sounds followed by an artistic wisp of blue smoke and two rockets from two afghanis shouldering rocket launchers and crying in afghani: bring up arms to bear........ she watched the rockets wizz across the screen and then hit the u.s. outpost, bam! 'shack!' cried one afghani rocket man, apparently speaking in english -- and then, 'shack!' cried the other afghani man as his rocket closely followed and hit its target........... trrrrrrr trrrrrrrrr trrrrrrrrr ....... machine gun bullets flew from half a dozen afghanis a little lower down a slope from the cameraman or woman filming them --- their bullets too were aimed at the outpost across a short valley.......... witherspoon went on reading the documentation provided: the entire outpost was destroyed, all u.s. soldiers present were executed or died in battle.......
a knock on her door, and a voice from special ops: witherspoon, be sure to get enough sleep tonight, tomorrow is gonna be a big day for you
witherspoon left her quarters in search of some fun at the nearby bar --- upon arriving she saw some soldiers crunk dancing to 50 cent music....... she didn't feel like staying for long so drank some diet coke and went back to her quarters.......
a special ops soldier had left a box with her containing recommended dvds, pamphlets, photocopied articles and pages --- the entire collection provided to her to home-school herself a little on the realities there...... she found one dvd of interest labelled: afghan insurgent combat skills: skillz that killz
she turned her avril lavigne music down and watched the dvd --- it showed an attack filmed by afghani rebels -- she couldn't understand what they were saying but it was subtitled in english....... very apparently they were attacking a small u.s. outpost -- the documentation included with the dvd stated that there were only 15 u.s. soldiers stationed there.... she was very impressed by the strength of their attack --- whizz whizz -- loud whizzing sounds followed by an artistic wisp of blue smoke and two rockets from two afghanis shouldering rocket launchers and crying in afghani: bring up arms to bear........ she watched the rockets wizz across the screen and then hit the u.s. outpost, bam! 'shack!' cried one afghani rocket man, apparently speaking in english -- and then, 'shack!' cried the other afghani man as his rocket closely followed and hit its target........... trrrrrrr trrrrrrrrr trrrrrrrrr ....... machine gun bullets flew from half a dozen afghanis a little lower down a slope from the cameraman or woman filming them --- their bullets too were aimed at the outpost across a short valley.......... witherspoon went on reading the documentation provided: the entire outpost was destroyed, all u.s. soldiers present were executed or died in battle.......
a knock on her door, and a voice from special ops: witherspoon, be sure to get enough sleep tonight, tomorrow is gonna be a big day for you
Friday, July 2, 2010
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part iv
in response to general petraeus' question about the possibility of an englishman in the 1960s to drive through afghanistan on his way to india, a lone female voice was heard responding,
'that depends on whether his van was painted pink or not,' the speaker spoke as she stepped closer and closer towards the podium where general petraeus spoke -- it was none other than reese witherspoon, resplendant in pink khakis, a pink kevlar bulletproof vest and a pink helmet, pink boots and a pink machinegun and an american flag embroidered by her arm with pink bars.......
'ladies and gentlemen,' started up again petraeus, 'you will recall that some months ago, or according to a u.n. resolution, depending on your sexuality, we agreed, with president karzhai and dumbledoore and the afghani leadership, to appoint an american attache to the afghani government to act not as an imposer of authority but a listener, an observer, an impartial arbitrator........ the afghanis, having been offered the services of neil armstrong, yuri geller, bobby fisher (before he died), nancy reagan, and many others, insisted on the blonde bimbo lady from the legally blonde movies, (the crowd chuckles), if you recall, they didn't even want reece witherspoon, just the blonde bimbo from the legally blonde movie, for some reason, who would have thunk it, they just love that character in this land..........
'only too true, general,' said witherspoon acting in the character of her california surfer-girl valley-girl blonde bimbo from her 'legally blonde' franchise,' witherspoon produced a pink pointer from somewhere and removed her helmet and directed her pretty white face to her audience and recommenced her bimbo talk and bimbo accent and bimbo demeanour from the 'legally blonde' franchise, 'ladies and gentlemen, esteemed dignitaries, vice-president biden.... colonels, generals, i feel so overwhelmed by some of the people here today, but i want you to know i've been away the entire past month all over afghanistan from kandahar to kabul, rubbing shoulders with some of the meanest, baddest souls in this land,'
witherspoon flashes up photo number one:
'oh my God! june 1st, my first day with the tribal leaders of kandahar province, our armies special ops soldiers left me alone by the city outskirts by arrangement and i was picked up by these guys -- i was pretty scared, i can tell you, i was sure i had broken a fingernail and i had to cut short a conversation with my mom back in malibu, but it was all worth it i suppose. mohammed (peace be upon him) omar sharif took me out to some nearby plantations and told me about how his village's economy works.... at one point he started setting up an IED -- at first i wasn't sure what he was doing, i thought maybe he was wrapping up a christmas present to send to Somalia -- but then i saw he put a big shiny IED sticker on it, so i said to him, mohammed (peace be upon him), you're not going to set that up against our boys from the gool old pink, white and blue? and, oh my god, he said yes! and i was like, but mohammed, how can you do that? that is so mean! what if you kill bobby greenfield? he's just adorable and i've arranged to send cookies to his sister in alabama! why don't we just have a shake and bake instead?'
witherspoon clicks over to picture number 2
'so here you can see we're having a shake and bake and if you look hard enough, you can see the IED in the dumpster behind us,'
the audience murmurs and surprisedly comes to this very same conclusion.....
'that depends on whether his van was painted pink or not,' the speaker spoke as she stepped closer and closer towards the podium where general petraeus spoke -- it was none other than reese witherspoon, resplendant in pink khakis, a pink kevlar bulletproof vest and a pink helmet, pink boots and a pink machinegun and an american flag embroidered by her arm with pink bars.......
'ladies and gentlemen,' started up again petraeus, 'you will recall that some months ago, or according to a u.n. resolution, depending on your sexuality, we agreed, with president karzhai and dumbledoore and the afghani leadership, to appoint an american attache to the afghani government to act not as an imposer of authority but a listener, an observer, an impartial arbitrator........ the afghanis, having been offered the services of neil armstrong, yuri geller, bobby fisher (before he died), nancy reagan, and many others, insisted on the blonde bimbo lady from the legally blonde movies, (the crowd chuckles), if you recall, they didn't even want reece witherspoon, just the blonde bimbo from the legally blonde movie, for some reason, who would have thunk it, they just love that character in this land..........
'only too true, general,' said witherspoon acting in the character of her california surfer-girl valley-girl blonde bimbo from her 'legally blonde' franchise,' witherspoon produced a pink pointer from somewhere and removed her helmet and directed her pretty white face to her audience and recommenced her bimbo talk and bimbo accent and bimbo demeanour from the 'legally blonde' franchise, 'ladies and gentlemen, esteemed dignitaries, vice-president biden.... colonels, generals, i feel so overwhelmed by some of the people here today, but i want you to know i've been away the entire past month all over afghanistan from kandahar to kabul, rubbing shoulders with some of the meanest, baddest souls in this land,'
witherspoon flashes up photo number one:
'oh my God! june 1st, my first day with the tribal leaders of kandahar province, our armies special ops soldiers left me alone by the city outskirts by arrangement and i was picked up by these guys -- i was pretty scared, i can tell you, i was sure i had broken a fingernail and i had to cut short a conversation with my mom back in malibu, but it was all worth it i suppose. mohammed (peace be upon him) omar sharif took me out to some nearby plantations and told me about how his village's economy works.... at one point he started setting up an IED -- at first i wasn't sure what he was doing, i thought maybe he was wrapping up a christmas present to send to Somalia -- but then i saw he put a big shiny IED sticker on it, so i said to him, mohammed (peace be upon him), you're not going to set that up against our boys from the gool old pink, white and blue? and, oh my god, he said yes! and i was like, but mohammed, how can you do that? that is so mean! what if you kill bobby greenfield? he's just adorable and i've arranged to send cookies to his sister in alabama! why don't we just have a shake and bake instead?'
witherspoon clicks over to picture number 2
'so here you can see we're having a shake and bake and if you look hard enough, you can see the IED in the dumpster behind us,'
the audience murmurs and surprisedly comes to this very same conclusion.....
Thursday, July 1, 2010
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part iii
Petreus: okay now where's that remote -- let me just put this gosh-darned song on 'blue shadows' it's just a beautiful song
Joe Biden: oh that's a wonderful song
military intelligence attache Englund: sir, if i may, it wasn't dusty springfield, chevy chase's character, that was challenged to a gunslinging duel by the german that used to worship him and later felt disillusioned and disgusted by his own worship and uncomfortable awareness of his own gunslinging mastery, it was martin short's character: Ned --- hence the difficulty with the overly large arm to bear -- Ned preferred a teeny-tiny pistol more suited to his effeminate body and persona
Petreus: right, well anyway, look, down to brass tacks --- although it's generally unstated -- our general over-riding mission statement since 9/11 here in afghanistan was to prevent another attack on american land or territory originating from a training camp or some such thing here in afghanistan..... other projects like developing afghanistan's mining industry -- there's no concerted vision and drive to make that happen...... if anything, this rolling stone mishap with the subsequent forced-retirement of general macchrystal only serves to highlight the nature of wars fought by democracies.... this is not alexander's never-ending series of conquests ...... a lot of you soldiers will not dedicate more than a couple of years of your lives to service outside the states.... but the local population were here before we arrived and will be here after we leave....... part of the 9/11 attacks originating from afghanistan theory subscribes that this is a population that has seen war for decades, but let me ask you this, is it possible that an english-man with a van in the 1960s could have driven from england to india non-stop with safe passage through afghanistan?
Joe Biden: oh that's a wonderful song
military intelligence attache Englund: sir, if i may, it wasn't dusty springfield, chevy chase's character, that was challenged to a gunslinging duel by the german that used to worship him and later felt disillusioned and disgusted by his own worship and uncomfortable awareness of his own gunslinging mastery, it was martin short's character: Ned --- hence the difficulty with the overly large arm to bear -- Ned preferred a teeny-tiny pistol more suited to his effeminate body and persona
Petreus: right, well anyway, look, down to brass tacks --- although it's generally unstated -- our general over-riding mission statement since 9/11 here in afghanistan was to prevent another attack on american land or territory originating from a training camp or some such thing here in afghanistan..... other projects like developing afghanistan's mining industry -- there's no concerted vision and drive to make that happen...... if anything, this rolling stone mishap with the subsequent forced-retirement of general macchrystal only serves to highlight the nature of wars fought by democracies.... this is not alexander's never-ending series of conquests ...... a lot of you soldiers will not dedicate more than a couple of years of your lives to service outside the states.... but the local population were here before we arrived and will be here after we leave....... part of the 9/11 attacks originating from afghanistan theory subscribes that this is a population that has seen war for decades, but let me ask you this, is it possible that an english-man with a van in the 1960s could have driven from england to india non-stop with safe passage through afghanistan?
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan part ii
petreus: continuing people (he speaks as the my little buttercup video continues on loop behind him with the volume down and images of alexander the great and his battles simultaneously flash onto the screen)
gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen of the not-so-left-wing media (his audience now chuckles at his allusion to the rolling stone article to led him to take over the posting in afghanistan) --- this is not a series of wars of conquest like alexander's were.... the only simularity is the diffusion and change of cultural elements through military force --- as a democracy led by a moderate dictatorship in the form of the presidency, our previous leader led us and kept us here, however there is only so much a democracy can bear in terms of war -- we saw that with iraq...... here we are essentially unable to change the fabric of the society here, unlike in iraq where we created a massive vacuum by decapitating the leadership which led to a river of blood and the more or less stable democracy we have there now --- but here in afghanistan we have tried to pay the local populace to grow avocados instead of the opium poppy
who here likes avocados?
colonel zubarik of gamma brigade raises his hand: i love them sir
petreus: they are delicious, i adore them with melted cheese and seeded bread myself -- now i want you to watch another scene from the 'three amigos' because i feel it's what alexander would have wanted
(petreus shows them the scene where the germans challenge the three amigos gunslinging abilities, in the scene, a german gunslinging expert recounts how he used to worship dusty springfield's gunslinging abilities but then learnt about special effects and film-making procedures and came to the conclusion that dusty springfield was just a big fraud -- dusty springfield becomes indignified at this point and insists that his gunslinging exploits were real and not doctored by modern technology at which point the germans allies the mexicans thrust an overly large gun onto dusty springfield that is too large for his body/mass ratio - an arm he cannot hope to bear well --- which the indignant german doesn't seem to care about)
petreus: watch that people, and tell me what you think -- let's brainstorm here
lyndley englund, a military intelligence attache raises her hand: sir, it comes to mind that both actors in the my little buttercup scene have the name martin in their names
(before petreus can respond another hand shoots up)
sergeant-major barrack squad squat delta sir, sir, if i may, what you mentioned about alexander's campaigns and profusion of culture and cross-cultural fertilization, i served 3 tours in iraq sir and american movies and culture is much more prevalent there than here sir --- sir the local population i would hazard to say are the most disinterested in western culture while at the same time indirectly most overbearing on it in terms of their heroin export -- sir 80% of england's heroin comes from right here sir
gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen of the not-so-left-wing media (his audience now chuckles at his allusion to the rolling stone article to led him to take over the posting in afghanistan) --- this is not a series of wars of conquest like alexander's were.... the only simularity is the diffusion and change of cultural elements through military force --- as a democracy led by a moderate dictatorship in the form of the presidency, our previous leader led us and kept us here, however there is only so much a democracy can bear in terms of war -- we saw that with iraq...... here we are essentially unable to change the fabric of the society here, unlike in iraq where we created a massive vacuum by decapitating the leadership which led to a river of blood and the more or less stable democracy we have there now --- but here in afghanistan we have tried to pay the local populace to grow avocados instead of the opium poppy
who here likes avocados?
colonel zubarik of gamma brigade raises his hand: i love them sir
petreus: they are delicious, i adore them with melted cheese and seeded bread myself -- now i want you to watch another scene from the 'three amigos' because i feel it's what alexander would have wanted
(petreus shows them the scene where the germans challenge the three amigos gunslinging abilities, in the scene, a german gunslinging expert recounts how he used to worship dusty springfield's gunslinging abilities but then learnt about special effects and film-making procedures and came to the conclusion that dusty springfield was just a big fraud -- dusty springfield becomes indignified at this point and insists that his gunslinging exploits were real and not doctored by modern technology at which point the germans allies the mexicans thrust an overly large gun onto dusty springfield that is too large for his body/mass ratio - an arm he cannot hope to bear well --- which the indignant german doesn't seem to care about)
petreus: watch that people, and tell me what you think -- let's brainstorm here
lyndley englund, a military intelligence attache raises her hand: sir, it comes to mind that both actors in the my little buttercup scene have the name martin in their names
(before petreus can respond another hand shoots up)
sergeant-major barrack squad squat delta sir, sir, if i may, what you mentioned about alexander's campaigns and profusion of culture and cross-cultural fertilization, i served 3 tours in iraq sir and american movies and culture is much more prevalent there than here sir --- sir the local population i would hazard to say are the most disinterested in western culture while at the same time indirectly most overbearing on it in terms of their heroin export -- sir 80% of england's heroin comes from right here sir
general petreus assumes the stance in afghanistan
bagram, air force hangar --- small meeting of high ranked soldiers in afghanistan and
visiting u.s. dignitaries including joe biden and media....
general petreus: hi everyone -- how was the ice scream, (laughs to no response from audience which leads to awkward silence)
the blonde newsreader from abc news; (in an aside to her producer) just edit that bit out
petreus: ladies and gentlemen, soldiers of 1st battalion..... many of you are west point graduates and you would recall your training at times from west point including the battles of alexander the great...... today we face a hostile populace with ever-shifting alliances that we are caught out in a nine-year long peacekeeping mission.... we find ourselves forced to pay extortion money to taliban heavies....... our hands are tied in terms of causing collateral damage hence we cannot merely carpet bomb our enemies as women and children would die........... meanwhile we work in a mountainous economy worth 3 billion dollars a year based solely on the opium poppy which is moved north to russia or south to pakistan for export........ we realize that this land's true economic potential lies, in the future we would imagine, in mining and exploiting precious metals found here...... however we face a population that knows nothing of mining and everything of a heroin-export business...............
nine years people -- i ask you: what would alexander the great do at this point?
(fiddles with remote control to lower screen down) --- i ask you to watch the following excerpt from a movie called 'the three amigos' from the 1980s --- i call the excerpt 'my little buttercup'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Mw9F5zawRQ
please watch...... (afterwards)
(petreus continues) -- okay, you've seen the excerpt -- i want you to remember your west point training and think back to the times of alexander --- of course the nearest thing to an engine in those days was horse or elephant driven, but recall that alexander fought on many different terrains, including afghanistan........ what do you see in the 'my little buttercup' excerpt that reminds you of the challenges we currently face?
major tomlinson, tank unit master-sergeant: sir, i serve in a tank-unit, i would say that we don't get to use our tanks enough as we are facing an insurgency based and protected by a delicate civilian population which we do not wish to annihilate, sir i would say that the hostile mexicans in the movie clip correspond to the taliban and population in general
petreus: excellent observation tomlinson, the local populace is hostile to us, let's not kid ourselves.... just like in the video clip it's hard to tell who is active in el guapo's army and who is just an un-assuming citizen not directly enmeshed in military and violent ventures......... what else do you see?
corporal brooks - bravo company: sir these men are singing about their sweethearts, many of us are far from our sweethearts
petreus: that is true, but in alexander's day they marched on india via afghanistan and they had no jet planes to return to and spend a couple of weeks with their sweethearts
corporal brooks (looks around bashfully)--- sir, yessir
visiting u.s. dignitaries including joe biden and media....
general petreus: hi everyone -- how was the ice scream, (laughs to no response from audience which leads to awkward silence)
the blonde newsreader from abc news; (in an aside to her producer) just edit that bit out
petreus: ladies and gentlemen, soldiers of 1st battalion..... many of you are west point graduates and you would recall your training at times from west point including the battles of alexander the great...... today we face a hostile populace with ever-shifting alliances that we are caught out in a nine-year long peacekeeping mission.... we find ourselves forced to pay extortion money to taliban heavies....... our hands are tied in terms of causing collateral damage hence we cannot merely carpet bomb our enemies as women and children would die........... meanwhile we work in a mountainous economy worth 3 billion dollars a year based solely on the opium poppy which is moved north to russia or south to pakistan for export........ we realize that this land's true economic potential lies, in the future we would imagine, in mining and exploiting precious metals found here...... however we face a population that knows nothing of mining and everything of a heroin-export business...............
nine years people -- i ask you: what would alexander the great do at this point?
(fiddles with remote control to lower screen down) --- i ask you to watch the following excerpt from a movie called 'the three amigos' from the 1980s --- i call the excerpt 'my little buttercup'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Mw9F5zawRQ
please watch...... (afterwards)
(petreus continues) -- okay, you've seen the excerpt -- i want you to remember your west point training and think back to the times of alexander --- of course the nearest thing to an engine in those days was horse or elephant driven, but recall that alexander fought on many different terrains, including afghanistan........ what do you see in the 'my little buttercup' excerpt that reminds you of the challenges we currently face?
major tomlinson, tank unit master-sergeant: sir, i serve in a tank-unit, i would say that we don't get to use our tanks enough as we are facing an insurgency based and protected by a delicate civilian population which we do not wish to annihilate, sir i would say that the hostile mexicans in the movie clip correspond to the taliban and population in general
petreus: excellent observation tomlinson, the local populace is hostile to us, let's not kid ourselves.... just like in the video clip it's hard to tell who is active in el guapo's army and who is just an un-assuming citizen not directly enmeshed in military and violent ventures......... what else do you see?
corporal brooks - bravo company: sir these men are singing about their sweethearts, many of us are far from our sweethearts
petreus: that is true, but in alexander's day they marched on india via afghanistan and they had no jet planes to return to and spend a couple of weeks with their sweethearts
corporal brooks (looks around bashfully)--- sir, yessir
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