general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 117 (like the stealth bomber) + 1 (=118)

O'Reilly thanked the 21-25 year olds for 'coming'. The Swahili guy click-click-clucked his appreciation. We will not sacrifice our freedoms to terrorists said O'Reilly.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xliv

interestingly enough, around the same time Gwiniviere realized his i-Horse had gone flat, Alice Cooper arrived in London and realized his baggage for his London tour had dissappeared -- it was most upsetting for him and he realized he was going to have to call his estranged half-brother, Anderson Cooper, of CNN fame. Take a guess who was the black sheep of the family, Alice used to joke that Anderson studied videos of Clark Kent (except for when he was taking his three piece suit off to become superman) to learn how to be even more mild-mannered. Ever since Alice tore down Anderson's 'Ice-man' (from Top Gun) poster from his bedroom wall as a teenager, there relationship took an irreparable bad turn for the worst...........

now, sans-baggage (baggage pronounced in french there), Mr. Cooper would have to call Mr. Cooper and ask for a favor:

ring ring

'Anderson, it's Alice,' said Cooper from the busy flight arrival hall of Heathrow airport, the world's busiest.

The audible intake of air was noticeable on the other end of the line, but Anderson managed to keep his mild-mannered composure. The two had not seen eachother since they buried their later father, Gary.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 116

as these events and descriptions were 'going down' in Yellowstone -- O'Reilly's horse, Gwiniviere, that stood grazing nearby started going crazy as its i-Horse batteries had run flat --- Gwiniviere was a huge 'Alice at Nite' fan and even emailed Alice Cooper frequently at aliceatnight@alicecooper.com with his i-Horse which he had learnt to delicately type on by subtle hoof usage.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 115

O'Reilly's movement at Yellowstone National Park became even more colorful as 21 to 25 year olds - of all walks of life, parasitical college students, ex-convicts, workers, shut-ins, layabouts, ne-er do-wells, entrepreneurs, millionaires and druggies all demonstrated their fearlessness of Iran and Iran's strict Mullahs. O'Reilly awarded the sluttiest and most-alcoholic with special medals -- but it was one group that stole the day: a spokesperson for the group, some white girl, explained how when Swahili exchange student, Mbecko Ukste-ste-ste (cluck cluck cluck) arrived at the school, nobody could understand him -- 'in fact,' she said, 'it took us a few weeks to be able to correctly pronounce his name by making clicking sounds in our throats and clucking sounds with our tongues as his own language requires,' said the young white woman and smiled at her white classmates as she recounted the story - they in turn smiling and nodding back at her, 'but i'm proud to say, we were able to break down this enormous cultural barrier of language, further challenged by the difficulties of guttural clickings and mouth-cluckings of the Swahili language, by involving in a big group gang-bang.'

Calls of 'Whoop! Whoop!', and 'that's right!' abounded from her co-students, picking up steam the student finished, 'that's right, all fifteen of us formed a 'chain-gang' and performed a complicated sequence of simultaneous group-sex on eachother without a moment of fear about Iran and her meddlesome and threatening Mullahs.'

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 114

Bill O'Reilly gets addicted to Moslem bashing and decides to hold a rally at Yellowstone National Park to celebrate alcoholic 21 to 25 year olds that fearlessly defy Iran by unashamedly abusing alcohol and participate in never-ending orgies of promiscuity. O'Reilly rewards this courage in the face of Muslim conservatism with regard to sex and alcohol by handing out medals of honor to the most alcoholic and sexed 21 to 25 year olds in America.

Trey Parker calls Sarah Jessica Parker en route to Iran and learns of her PR trip to Iran and then immediately warns her, "...sounds like it could be a trap," were his ominous words.

Conan O'Brien joins forces with fellow scum-of-the-Earth Colbert and Stewart to lie at the bottom of the Ocean during non-TV time in order to consume oil from the seabed of the Gulf of Mexico: their staff and audience members help them in this endeavour which is their true calling.

Janet Reno finally has the cojones and intelligence to say and realize what was obvious all along: that Americans are unnerved by the silent, non-violent Moslem masses as they are not chronic alcoholics/druggies and phallic-worshipping whores.

Petraeus goes even further backward in Afghanistan, now resorting to inviting the worst of the Taliban to a one-day-amnesty-Christmas-in-October event -- hoping that the Taliban's love for Christmas carols will be able to win over hearts and minds.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 113

Bill O'Reilly mounted his horse Gwiniviere and made his way to his first day of school, the discipline? The Japanese/Korean martial art, Hapkido. On the way to school, he wondered about Napoleon and how if he could be Napoleon he could re-create the calendar and create new and different months and give them names and what kinds of names would they be - maybe Judo instead of July and so forth.

At the school O'Reilly puts on his uniform for the first time and wraps his belt around his girdle to tie the uniform together, white belt - just a beginner. Would he be able to master the various jump kicks, punches, rolls, shoves, kung-fu, bo-stick usage, num-chuk usage and etc, in order to advance all the way to black belt? And if so, how and when?

As he dresses so, he remembers when his father told him at age 10, according to the male-line family tradition in the O'Reilly family, the truth about their heritage, that they were all French and not Irish by descent - that upon arriving in America his great-great-great grandfather realized that Irish people were considered cooler than the French despite being a bunch of rotten Catholics.

His Master awaits him in the dojo.

"Call me Master Fong while we are in the dojo," says Master Fong.

The two step onto the mats for their first lesson together,

"The first item we will study will be the foot-sweep, we will do this by squatting down immediately while thrusting the left or right leg adjacent and radially outwards to the left or right as a first motion, like so," and the flexible teacher did so.

"Now think," said Master Fong, "as you practice this first movement of falling and bringing out the leg, followed by this 2nd movement, sweeping the opponent off balance: keyword - off balance; think about when you make sweeping generalizations about Americans and Moslems. How when it suits you to place all Americans into one basket and generalize about all 300 million of them, Moslem and otherwise, you do so; likewise, you do not hesitate to generalize loosely and randomly about the Moslems of Malaysia, Indonesia, the Arab world with its abundance of oil, or lack thereof, just as you would make sweeping generalizations of Moslems and Americans when it suits you, now imagine my legs are Moslems all here (and Master Fong indicated his left leg) -- now imagine this right leg are all Americans -- now try to sweep me off balance, like so..." and having said that, Master Fong deftly swept O'Reilly off balance ....

"...sweep, swept," said he.

* * *

Meantime, back in Afghanistan, Omar Mohammed, the leader of the Taliban, as you will recall, had previously been entertaining Reese Witherspoon and Courtney Love of Hole and listening to Snoop Dogg and drankin' gin was now calling to attention an meeting of his Lieutenants,

"I want you all to study these books in your free time," said he as he distributed books 'Three cups of tea', and, 'Stones to school'.

"The enemy highly regards this author and these books," continued Omar Mohammed, "read them to learn more about the thought processes of the enemy."

* * *

In turn, General Petraeus wrapped up a phone call with the Humane Society of America to sound them out on an idea of his to inject insurgents with a microchip so that they could be easily recognizeable by winged vehicles and ground vehicles even when said insurgents were dressed as women or otherwise trying to appear incognito,

"...so you don't think that would be too inhumane? Ok, ok," said he and hung up the phone. Next he turned his attention to some Lieutenants that were present and started distributing paperwork as was doing Omar Mohammed at the same time at a different, and secret, location,

"This is a dossier on Russian lesbian duo TATU - the enemy highly regards their creative spirit and we feel it would be useful to learn more about their lives and careers in order to better gauge our enemy."

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 112

back in Iran, President Akmadinaj(ih)ad and some of the most important Moslem Clerics sat on the floor on a hillside with some pictures of important Clerics on the walls around them, Akmadinaj(ih)ad puts down the handset of an ornate, old-styled telephone, back onto its cradle, saying:

'Yes, yes, thanks you ACE PR.'

Then, raising his eyes to address the assembled Clerics, he says in Persian:

'It is the will of Allah, the sex offenders from American television programs, Sex in the City and Desperate Housewives will come to Iran on a Public Relations Junket.'

One Cleric piped up and said, 'so the question is, how soon after their arrival should we arrest them.'

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 111

during the ride to the next autistic zone, leonardo engaged in a conversation with the three dutch women about dykes in holland and levees and canals

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 110

one of the dutch girls informed leonardo that the secretary of defense was on the phone asking about leonardo's opinion of the new anti-don't ask don't tell policy,

'tell him marines were buttfucking eachother on the beaches of Vietnam doing r&r while high on lsd.'

leonardo had the dutch girls pack up into his white van and they hit the road to rendez-vous with some autistic kids who would be lunching at some pizza place

'general james conway is on the phone mr. leonardo,' said one of the dutch girls.

'tell him the answer is moss,' responded leonardo.

at the pizza sub place, the only subs were sandwiches and not underwater ships capable of delivering a nuclear payload.... leonardo and the dutch girls took a booth nearby the main center tables where the soccer-playing group of autistic kids would shortly be sitting.... leonardo and the dutch girls ordered milkshakes and such -- the autistic soccer-kids arrived and their 'differentness' was a giveaway in terms of their eyes and demeanour.... the waitor came with plates that just happened, by dumb luck, to be mostly of a blue color however one or two were orange, leonardo knew the kids would pick up on the orange minority -- sure enough he was right.... the dutch girls set up a distraction for the autistic kids handler and leonardo went about screening them ---

one of them was smart and left leonardo with no doubt of his genius, leonardo left him a colorful, intriguing flier which he felt would encourage the kid to want to encounter leonardo later over skype.....

off went leonardo and the dutch girls to encounter more autistic kids that day

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 109

updates:

the bottom-dwellers stephen colbert and john stewart are returned to their homes at the bottom of the ocean.

leonardo continues his odyssey through south america progressing from colorado to ohio overland -- he has made some pretty dutch friends (females three) on the way and retains them as his assisstants, he provides them with 'so i'm eurotrash, so what?' t-shirts to wear as part of a smart and sexy looking uniform ranging in styles from day-to-day

leonardo and the trio of dutch babes rock up to wright-pat and leonardo has the threesome present the secret codeword: sx32b upon which the four are granted admission

leonardo refuses to deal directly with any u.s. army personnel citing rabies as his excuse (through the intermediary of his three dutch secretaries) -- leonardo is provided with quarters and fittings to his liking along with equipment(s) that he requests and the women are provisioned with bunk beds and army shorts (short shorts)

leonardo is pressed to deliver something smart quickly and suggests, through the intermediary of his assisstants that all comers jerk off to pictures of queen elizabeth the 2nd of england back when she was in her 20s.........

leonardo commences work on his project 'cheese' -- styled after the movie 'salt' in the sense that it is a codename that is named after a common kitchen food item but differing from the jolie movie salt (which was really 'trash') in that his ideas were dope but not dumb......... leonardo's big idea is to go through databases of autistic people and select appropriate candidates and place 'cheese' in their vicinity -- the 'cheese' being intellectual tidbits, re-doctored by leonardo and re-presented by leonardo so as to be visually appealing and attract the attention of the autistic comers to whom it is floated....... in this way leonardo hopes to produce an army of number-crunching, fact-munching 'silkworms' that will chomp through the leaves of the trees of knowledge that leonardo will place in their path

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 108

somehow the Black Rook had fallen asleep and when he woke up, he realized he was alone -- he was about to go outside when he saw that two of the four centre squares of the chess board was occupied by two White Bishops, which is to say, two bishops from the other team, one on black squares and the other, of course on white squares, hence a black and a white bishop (but both, in this case, White). Two bishops in such a strategically powerful position were too much for the Black Rook who was trapped and would need reinforcements....

The Black Rook called in for reinforcements and the strategically sound thing to do in this instance would be to sit tight and hide (from the two powerful White Bishops).... in order to kill time until the reinforcements arrived... The Black Rook took up one of his hobbies: studies of manifestations of psychic power. In his case study file he had files from the Soviet Union's KGB's studies on psychic phenomenon, many of which were available on YouTube, and some which weren't -- likewise he had notes and files on CIA and Military experiments on the same. If soldiers could master the art of psychic warfare, moving matter with their minds, dropping bombs by willing it -- without needing planes or factories, it would change the battlefield entirely. That such was the staple of very many children's cartoons like Dragon Ball Z and children's books like Harry Potter and that Wizards and Warlocks and Magic and Fairies and Dragons and Spells was not readily denied by anyone. And that myths of the world over all spoke of ante-diluvian floods and lost civilizations was not news to the anthropologists, and that legends spoke of ages past where magic was commonly practiced amongst the Atlanteans likewise could not escape the attention of those even casually acquainted with intellectual works prepared for children -- whose imaginations' seemed to demand fantasy and magic and not simply an insistence on the five physical senses. Everybody readily agreed on hunches and 'gut' feelings as a cognitive power beyond the five senses.

But what interested the Black Rook at present was the real experiments carried out in secret not by any Church or Mystical Society, but by the respective Intelligence and Security aparati of the Americans and Russians during the cold war, e.g., during the 1950s. The Black Rook understood that it was a condition of general human evolution over the millenia, and even the thousands of millenia, to have shut down its own psychic powers like a person who covers his own ears and yells, 'I can't hear you! I can't hear you!' when confronted by a noisy and annoying situation. The Black Rook understood that this was so because humanity had run into trouble in the past due to being too abra-cadabra-like and that it was simply easier to pretend that men were evolved from monkeys (ludicrous!), that there was no Intelligent Design (very apathetic indeed!), and focus on having a good time. Unfortunately, what passed for having a good time had devolved into being fat, watching TV, and a state of consciousness heavily absorbed during waking life in matters of Matter; a disconnect between the third of life spent in dreamlife with the two-thirds spent in waking life; a predisposition towards sensuality and drunkenness and intoxication in many societies, or cruelty, gambling, laziness, etc.

It seemed to the Black Rook that despite the many very stupid games man played in order to demonstrate his innate disgust with his own consciousness and what it perceived; and that no matter what a flagrant Joke man deeply and even subconsiously believed (his/her own perception of) Life to be, there was one irrevocable reality - that man would have to be or not be. And that if man chose survival, no matter how easy it might be in certain times/centuries/societies, the undeniable reality is that man would have to reckon and espouse the TRIBE - the principle that no man is an island unto himself. And yet, despite the overbearing influence that the local natives might have on a man's consciousness, thought the Black Rook, nevertheless, very many a man could choose isolation for himself much more so than he did, and the Black Rook surmised that many times, man did not want to be isolated, but wanted a wife to infuriate him, a child to sting him with ingratitude and disrespect, a merchant to pawn his pauns. So thought the Black Rook as he awaited reinforcements and looked at files on an experiment to bend and shape the very backbone of Matter.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 107

in his quarter, before going off to check the progress of Stone, Parker and Kiedis with the killer ants, the Black Rook put the last artefact of his deceased brother-in-arms aside: in fact, he never knew the (King's Side) Black Rook was a Jehovah's Witness, but there was the magazine from them - Watchtower - with its distinctive Rook-looking symbol of a Watchtower.

Next the Black Rook picked up a picture of his girlfriend, yes he had a girlfriend, her name was Sally Rak, where her breasts were was an amazing pair of little rectangular chests - like the articles of furniture - the size of mangos or small pineapples - jiggling away -- in fact -- she had used a kind of small rack to connect to two bouncing, jiggling chests (like miniture bedside chests) as a form of bra -- giving her jiggling chests stability as it were.

'Look at that rack!'

'Hey momma, love that rack!' -- so said all the construction workers as Sally Rak walked by.

* * *

'I love you chess,' said Sally to the Black Rook at moments of affection and intimicay.

'And I love your chests,' responded the Black Rook.

In fact, when the two of them were most tender, sometimes the Black Rook would take pawns from his favorite Ebony and Ivory granite and marble chessboard and place them in Sally Rak's chests (on her breasts) which both featured little doors allowing for the deposit of small trinkets -- small like the little milk tubs you find in hotel room refrigerators.

The Black Rook looked at his watch, he decided he'd postpone the check up on Parker, Stone and Kiedis a little longer and finish watching Kill Bill 3 - what he had started watching a few days earlier before his surrepticious reconaissance mission.

The Black Rook settled back into the movie when a knock on the door revealed at the open doorway Czech staff Sargeant for NATO Czech Itout.

'Whatchu watching?' asked Czech staff Sargeant Czech Itout.

'Kill Bill 3,' responded the Black Rook.

'I didn't know there was a third one out already,' said the Czech, Czech, as he sat beside the Black Rook, with whom he had a good relationship.

'When are you gonna join the American Military and get U.S. citizenship and go live in America for a while,' asked the Black Rook for the 10 millionth time.

'When I get sick of living in the Czech Republic,' responded the Czech, Czech (Itout) - so who's that guy?'

'That's Pei Mei the 2nd,' answered the Black Rook.

'The 2nd? Wow, he punches harder than his old man!'

'Yeah, when Elle Driver killed Pei Mei, it turns out she somehow got some of his sperm and hatched an egg with it and that's his offspring, Pei Mei the 2nd, also known as Apple Pei.'

'And who's the old lady in the wheelchair?'

'That's Uma Thurman, her daughter Beebee is all grown up and turned out to be ungrateful trash and put her in a nursing home where Ben Stiller was abusing her, so Uma has to be get revenge on Beebee but first she needs to learn some killer moves from Apple Pei as her daughter has become a cop and knows how to beat people up,' explained the Black Rook.

'No shit,' said the Czech and grabbed at some popcorn enthralled by the scenes playing out on the screen....

(insert mysterious oriental music here)...

a young man with long and elaborate black hair and long flowing black robes is lecturing Uma Thurman (who is old and in a wheelchair) about the Kung Fu mysteries of fighting in a wheelchair:

'Your arms should propel you like lightning!' said the young Pei Mei, Apple Pei, and flung the brittle and senior Thurman from her wheelchair and sat himself in it and flew across the screen at over 100 miles an hour merely by propelling the wheelchair's wheels with his own hands and arms.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 106

After establishing pricing and service needs, etc, the two parties: ACE PR and the Revolutionary Guard of Iran opened up discussions on a weekly or bi-weekly basis to kick around some ideas and bounce ideas around and such with a view to taking definite measures.

'You know,' said Akmadinnajihad, 'one of the world's leading PR geniuses was a Nazi: Joseph Goebbels. His political rallies, featuring magnificent files of billowing, giant flags, row after row were groundbreaking. His use of spectacle in the staged mass rally, his use of the flourishing audio-visual media in convincing and seductive television commercials, demonizing jews, i'd like to apply a little of that.' Thus suggested Akmadinajihad as he placed his shoes up on the boardroom table before him as he sat and looked at a large tv screen hooking him up with Beverly Hills.

'Okay,' here's the deal, 'we want to muster that kind of genius, the same way that political advisors and planners did around the world after the trail-blazing advents of the Nazis such as the mass-produced, cheap and reliable Volkswagon Beetle and the Autobahns, etc... but we want to stay AWAY from the word Nazi, the image and the look of Nazi -- not even any splashes of red and black, are you following me?' Asked Judy (another Iranian) back in Beverly Hills in her Californian American accent.

Akmadinajihad nodded and Judy continued.

'Here's some sketches we've come up with: picture it, Mozart's warsong from the end of the first act of the Marriage of Figaro: you know the little tune they used in that movie Trading Places with Eddy Murphy and Dan Akroyd in the 80s.'

'Yes, yes!' said Akmadinnerjihad in a continential European accent (whilst speaking English) nodding as he made the connection to the 'pop-culture' icon.

'Now while we play that song, we'll champion the the Sephardim Jews -- we'll make it not about hating Jews but just lay all the blame at the feet of the Ashkenazi Jews -- maybe a few images of them rubbing their heads against sheets at the wailing wall and making like headbangers and a voiceover saying, 'why are these Ashkenazis acting like English-Australian cricket supporters that pretend they aren't English?''

'I like it, I like it,' said Akmadinnerjihad.

'And we'll do all the voiceovers with a strong and bitchy sounding American female voice, sans Californian accent, like the ones they use in political commercials, you know how we have democrazy over here, right? How we're not always jerking eachother off and slapping eachother on the back but how we sometimes criticize and disagree with eachother right? Despite that we're of the same nationality -- kind of like how life in Iran isn't all about stoning adulterous women everyday, all day long? Right?'

'Tell me more, tell me more,' said the interested Akmadinnerjihad.

'Well look, the best thing for Iran to do, while she waits to get fully armed on a nuclear level and be able to assure herself of a 100% fully-functioning nuclear delivery option, is to pander to the big-bad West a little bit,' continued ACE PR's Judy.

'How, how can we buy time like this?' asked the fascinated Akmadinnerjihad.

'Well it's simple, just invite Sarah Jessica Parker and as many of the cast of Desperate Housewives and Sex in the City and you're laughing.'

'But why?'

'Well these characters stand for promiscuous sex as a way of escaping Taliban and Sharia law, by championing them you are saying no to Sharia and no to the Taliban and yes to sluttiness -- but only for as long as it takes to get your nukes and missiles happening.'

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 105.1 FM

After returning from Israel, Akmadinnajihad decided he needed some PR help. Fortunately, Beverly Hills, Los Angeles, California was home to one of the world's biggest Iranian enclaves... so much so that their local election ballots featured translations in Farsi or Persian.

'Ace PR,' answered a PR rep for mostly ethnically Iranian-American PR company ACE PR that handled PR for movie stars and big multi-nationals, etc.

'This is the President of Iran, i'm going to need to retain you.'

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 104

also worthy of note, in the Parker and Parker parental/spousal relationship in which they never met even ONCE until the grave and which all was carried out over the airwaves in the Media in the name of Entertainment, Obesity, Advertising bang for your buck and so forth - were the two Parkers' views on parenting for the child. One week, on Lifestyle channel, where the two had their long-running contract and were broadcast weekly having family reunions, Parker (of South Park) insisted that the child be educated so as to become a career Valet, and possibly with a business background too so that he might own and manage one of many Valet businesses, the mother, on the other hand, firmly insisted that the child would become a fashion designer and design Russian-themed Parkas, and, like Liv Tyler, ride on her parent's coattails and produce a famous clothing line on the strength of her parents' name.

'That's a bunch of hooey!' yelled Parker at Parker.

'Just you wait and see daddy-o!' responded the other.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 103

'Am I pregnant with your seed?' responded Parker to Parker, 'when did'ju send me seed?'

'When did jew send you seed?' Responded the male Parker, 'Jew didn't send you seed, I sent you seed: COME!'

'Oh my,' said the airheaded female Parker, 'and'ju sent it in the mail?'

'Jew didn't send it in the mail, I sent it in the mail!' responded the male Parker.

And so the unhappy couple that never did like eachother much and had never met, went on to have a child together, after Parker remembered she had indeed basted herself with Parker's come and months later found she was pregnant and did a DNA test and saw it was Parker's child and not seed of a hundred other varieties of sperm that lay in wait in her vagina to strangle Parker's seed which eventually was victorious anyway.

Still more months later, the two would make a famous movie together: Parker vs Parker, a remake of the Dustin Hoffman classic, Kramer vs Kramer -- most amazingly however, the two made the movie, continued with their reality TV show: Hollywood moms and dads; raised their child; conceived; etc, all over the airwaves, to the public's great entertainment; and never ONCE did they EVER meet in person, not even for a brief moment.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 102

it is a little known fact that Trey Parker from South Park and Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex in the City are husband and wife and never had time to meet even once nor have sex even once (together) -- hence procreation -- the all-important function of sex -- was achieved by Parker sending Parker some reproductive matter in an envelope with a letter attached saying: Death to America, Death to Israel

'How romantic,' thought Parker and reached for the Turkey baster and the microwave dish to warm up the frozen reproductive specimen.

The two just had busy lifestyles and wouldn't have liked eachother much and anyway, they had hundreds (or thousands) of other people to have sex with. Also, Sarah Jessica Parker had run away from her father, Shylock, from the Shakespeare play, 'the Merchant of Venice' - so now Leonardo would have a beef with Parker too due to the oath he swore to bloods and crips in LA to represent Venice (LA - not Italy).

Anyway, as luck had it - Shakespeare faked his own death and went on to die, go to heaven, and return as Jimi Hendrix to play No Leaf Clover with Jefferson, Franklin (and Mozart); and Sarah Jessica Parker, to her father's dismay went on to champion promiscuity and sluttiness:

'Be a whore or you will be a Taliban lover,' said Parker.

Children around the world and America were confused, in America, sex education classes were telling children to be like Parker or else they would be Talibanis.

Children were shown a video that showed Parker rubbing up against a man's leg and saying, 'meow, buy me that car and i'll make love to you, meow, don't be a Taliban.'

Children that didn't want to be sluts were feeling overwhelmed - some of them decided to be exchange students to run away from all the horrible sluttiness and decrepitude masqueraded as sophistication by Parker in the name of being anti-Talibani. Many exchange students went to Eastern European and Russian high schools and found the children enjoyed group sex and despised gay-right movements as it made them feel like they were gay for enjoying in both-sex threesomes and foursomes and more (spaghetti).

'Be a whore! Not a Talibani!' said Parker.

'Are you pregnant with my seed?' asked the other Parker via satellite hook-up as the two had never met before: busy schedules and such and they wouldn't have liked eachother much.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 101 (lesbiants 101)

it is a commonly understood notion that homosexuality is gay and horrible (amongst most straight people, excepting faghags and such) except when said homosexuality involves good looking women (exclusively) -- in which or witch case, most straight men agree, it is really, REALLY hot...

different countries yield different kinds of lesbians -- australia produces the ugliest, most un-hot, america produces very many un-sexy lesbians -- but France, Paris in particular, produces the sexiest, hotest lesbians (and possibly Japan too)...

anyway, in Afghanistan, the killer 20 metre long ants, after a hard days work of killing people of all races and Nations with their killer acid-squirting needed a place to wet their whistles and that place was 'L'ant Turn' a Lantern themed lesbian bar where men were not welcome, nor were women in fact: only female killer ants (in any case, there were no male killer ants in Afghanistan)...

Some of the ants had banded together and left a message squirted near the (former) home of the Bamiyan buddhas in giant letters made from steaming, skin burning jets of poisonous liquids squirted from the giant ants:

build us a bar here by midnight Sunday or we will melt your wives and children and fathers...

sure enough, their bar was built and christened 'L'ant Turn'....

some of the giant ants sat at the giant bar in the giant premises some 150 yards long and 200 yards wide... the bar was tended by a stream of petrified Afghanis that had already seen a few of their own melted to a pile of steaming nothingness for mixing the wrong drinks or overcharging or demanding a bribe (foolishly)...

'Have you seen that Ayesha girl's new nose?' asked one giant ant at the bar to another.

'Knew knows?' asked another.

'Yeah', said a third, 'look, it's on TV now!'

'Wow ain't that a beaut!' said the first ant, 'Say, have you heard about Kadeetha?'

'Where did she get to?' said the second ant.

'She transformed back into a human and was flown to California by a rock star and now she's a starlet in the Hollywood Hills.'

'Wow,' said the third ant, 'bartender! more ham and pineapple shnaps please.'

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 100

in fact, the 'dirty' Sanchez affair annoyed the Black Rook so much he decided to call in a favor from a CIA Agent he had helped with some renditions in former Soviet, Eastern bloc country - Latvia.

The Black Rook spoke to the spook for a moment and disconnected the call, his suspicions were confirmed, genetically, Sanchez from CNN was a Sephardic Jew -- having 30% Jewish DNA which was traceable back to female-line descendency -- the CIA Agent was able to confirm it from FBI files he had sneak-peeked which included genetic info on Sanchez from a Q-Tip saliva swab taken from Sanchez (and others at CNN) under the guise of free healthcare.

Sanchez, was unaware of his Jewish heritage, being that 9 generations before his own, his ancestors on his mother's side of the family migrated from Spain to Cuba to start an Orange-tree plantation (and in any case, had lost touch with their Jewish practices a further 240 years before that time), before Cuba was even a communist country in a time when Spain still controlled many interests amongst the Americas. All Sanchez knew was that communists were bad, baseball was good, hotdogs were good, American Universities could teach people more complicated words than core vocabulary and so on and so forth.

The Black Rook picked up his phone again, he was going to have to go on a quick mission to Israel, and he would be needing his own private airplane, but it would have to be CIA, not Military; so he would need to call in some favors. Also, he would need to quickly assemble or collect, on the way to Israel, his crack squad of Sephardic Champions. The Sephardic Champions were all about establishing balance between Ashkenazi and Sephardic Jews, most normally at the expense of the former (Ashkenazi) Jews. The Black Rook spoke to an agent at the CIA:

'Get me Iranian President Akmadinajihad.'

Half a day later, the Black Rook was in the air in a private CIA Jet with Iranian President Akmadinajihad (a Jew hater) and a number of Sephardic Jews, many of whom had other genes apart from inbred Jewish genes, such as the Black Rook himself (who had mostly African genes), or Asian genes (in the case of Hershel Fong), and so on and so forth.

On approaching Israel, the strategy was to land in Jordan (Amman), enter Israel as tourists with fake passports and infiltrate amongst the Jews there in such a way as to be invisible not only to Mossad but also to the general ad-hoc security apparatus in place in Israel every day (where security does not feed into a pyramid-centralized system as it does in Russia and did in the USSR) but rather is handled laterally, 'on-site', as it were. The Black Rook's team rolled into Jerusalem and placed keychains on their belt loops at the side of their pants so as to follow the Jewish tradition of wearing a hip-tassle. This was the only Jewish tradition they cared for on this particular mission, they packed yeast-filled bread in contradistinction to the common Ashkenazi practice (unlike that used by the cerebral palsy character of the Black Rook's cartoon comedy - if you will recall).

The mission was to target the blonde/blue-eyed, Aryan-like, Ashkenazi Jews for a little bit of bullying and get out safely to Amman, Jordan, where their CIA flight was waiting for them --- and pick up some souvenir trinkets from the Arabs who made their livings in Jerusalem.

'You call that a spinning top?' said the Black Rook to a strong Jewish soldier on patrol in Jerusalem and carrying a sturdy machine gun, as the two of them looked at a spinning top that the soldier had spun on the table.

'How much did you pay for that top?' asked the Black Rook, '20 sheckels? Oh vey! You must be joking!' and with that the Black Rook started doing Hollywood action movie fight moves on the soldier a-la Stevan Segal.

Similarly, other members of the crack group had fanned out and started similar conflagrations. The soundtrack intensified the experience with chilling music. In an intensely climactic seen: Benjamin Nyetanyahoo and Akmaddinjihad (President of Iran) faced off and slowly circled around eachother, the former taking off his suit jacket and tie - the latter, who never wore a tie, cracked his neck from side to side and his knuckles and the two faced off and started doing more Hollywood-like fighting with kung-fu moves and boxing moves and much fake-glass shattering and hitting eachother with legs from chairs broken in the fight (on the other) and so forth.

Finally, after doing a little tit-for-tat on the Ashkenazi Jews, the Sephardic Jew squad left Israel and boarded their flight and in a twinkling of an eye, the Black Rook was back in Afghanistan (after having dropped off the other crack squad members, of course).

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 99

The Black Rook turned on the TV and flicked around -- he was in for a despicable and nastily distasteful surprise: an ABC News interview with Rich Sanchez. Sanchez was a little-known presenter on CNN that had reached National prominence recently by being fired from his job for doing nothing wrong. The psychology back of the affair interested the Black Rook the most, but of course, in a way that sullied and dissappointed his viewpoint of 'Western man' in the sense that his mentor, Nietzsche, would have them thought of as, 'the sick brute man.' Essentially, what was happening was that the American Media, essentially a pack of wolves that occasionally after feasting would do the occasional human interest story while licking their bloody chops and resting, needed a victim, and in an American Idiot country (to quote rock band 'Green Day') Christian Nation (for this was a Nation that was treacherous to their founding Fathers wishes to divide Church and State), the idiot Christians with their idiot belief system based on rabbinical nonsense (again paraphrasing Nietzsche) --- had no victim and therefore turned on one of their own and enacted a sad pseudo-cruxifiction with Sanchez playing the crucified Jesus. Only Sanchez admitted guilt where Jesus admitted none. Sanchez had made a few innocuous remarks about Jews and was crucified for it. The Black Rook himself was 5% Jewish as his African ancestors from Mali were traded by Spanish Jews that had been expelled from Spain in 1492 and had relocated to Morroco and were known as Sephardic Jews (as opposed to most of the Jews who were 'mainstream' Jews and also known as Ashkenazi Jews). The Black Rook, being 5% Jewish would not accept from anyone that he himself (the Black Rook) was anti-Semitic, whether that were meant to mean anti-Jewish or anti-Arab (as the Arabs were also a Semitic people).

In fact, so despised was the truth by the American Media, and so useless was she to the American Media, except as someone whose good name could be hijacked, that the distinction between Arab and Jew in talk of Semites was lost on the Ivy-Leaf more-on elites.

Regardless, the Black Rook, who understood that CNN had essentially become a joke after 9/11 and was a network that championed bigots of England and believed by putting a Native Australian in a hodgepodge mix of mostly English bigots that had hijacked their (useless) programming, after 8/11 (whatever) that they could pass themselves off as 'irreproachable liberals,' a mantle highly desired amongst many liberals so that Nancy Pelosi could sell more and yet more foodstamps.

The strangest thing about the incident with Sanchez was his admission of guilt: and no doubt, the poor fellow was trying to salvage his career by playing the 'limosine liberals are irreproachable, but nobody is more irreproachable than the Ashkenazi American Jew who stood by and watched his European brothers slaughtered by the Nazis while his fellow Americans locked up a few Japanese Americans and did nothing about it and IBM provided the technology for the Nazis to systematically exterminate a large portion of this, as Nietzsche had it: 'above-average and highly adaptable and moral race' under the abomination Himmler; and let's all blame that on Nietzsche, amen; card'.

Clearly, the dirty and foul-mouthed John Stewart wasn't the only mentally ill person at CNN in need of medication when he wasn't busy championing bigots of England -- but there was indeed a surplus of Ashkenazi cowards behind the scenes in need of Clozapine or Risperadol also. Obviously they were all against Sephardic Jews (Stewart, the Ashkenazis, the lot of CNN borers). In fact, more than being anti-Sephardic and mentally ill and idiot Christians in need of a cruxifiction drama in the guise of Sanchez; CNN was guilty of a far worse crime: they were BORING!

In fact, there was one time when the ignorant and drug-addicted (and who knew if this was true, but this was modern 'progress' to bandy around any accusation and then twist it all into Ashkenazi Jew good, Sephardic Jew enemy) and foul-mouthed, non showerer Stewart who was really a closet 5-hour a day masturbator masquerading as a sit-down comedian (and God only knows why Sanchez would have been irked by this maggot chomping, spineless jellyfish of a despicable man), there was one time when Stewart had both the Black Rook (Queen's side) and Benjamin Nyetanyahu on his show via satellite hook up and asked the question: would it be possible for the Black Rook to get Israeli citizenship due to his (Sephardic) Jewish ancestry.

'No,' was Benjamin's response, 'because everyone knows that Ashkenazi Jews are good because all of the Nazis' (Jewish) victims were Ashkenazi (not Sephardic) and if it wasn't for the Nazis there wouldn't even be a Nation-State of Israel today that gets away with everything including bombing U.S. Navy ships in an attempt to manipulate events; remember Ashkenazi Jew good - Sephardic Jew bad,' and having said this, Mr Nyetanyahu held up a voodoo doll of a Sephardic Jew and stuck a long silver pin, like a knitting needle, through its head, 'die Sephardic Jew!' said he, 'bad Sephardic Jew.'

'Mr. Black Rook, your response?' prompted the unshowered and eternally despicable Stewart, eliciting a reponse.

'Look,' said the Black Rook, 'Mr Stewart, can you buy a bar of soap with foodstamps? You need the right kind of bar, not a whiskey bar but a bar of soap. Have a shower. We all know it's easier to champion bigots of England and eat hamburgers and get fat watching Paris Hilton give a car a sexy soap-sud -- reading takes time, knowledge takes time, attaining Truth requires more than just reading books anyway, truth is, the Law of Return championed by the Nation State of Israel is skewed against Sephardic Jews like me and you need a shower,' and the Black Rook, a U.S. Army Marine Colonel (not a Kernal) finished strongly with a warcry, booming calmly, 'Marines roar!' and the Black Rook roared.

Stewart waited for Mr. Nyetanyahoo's response and it followed as such:

'Why is your network, CNN, even championing bigots of England in the first place? They were the biggest impediment to the establishment of the Jewish State of Israel anyway?' asked Nyetanyahoo.

'Look man, I just read the news, I don't decide who gets to work here or what gets measured in feet or metres,' fired back Stewart.

'But you don't even read any news,' accused Nyetanyahoo.

'Neither does the New York Times,' fired back the wit of Stewart and his idiot audience of cocaine/ectasy/marijuana addicted 20-36 year old dumb educated sluts laughed moronically in reponse to a flashing 'laugh' sign.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 98

Returning to the present, before going off to inspect progress of the acid-squirting ants, the Black Rook put aside the (now-deceased) King's Side Black Rook effects, kicked his feet up next to his (lit) fireplace and raised a tome or volume of Nietzsche to peruse. The Black Rook was a great admirer of Nietzsche and believed that he was a much maligned man: people had tried to link him to Nazis who had come after him; had called him an extremist and such. But typically, as Nietzsche himself said, the Truth did not need 'protectors' and 'champions' as her Purity was far above the need of deluded humans and their dirty, trampling feet. The Black Rook held Nietzsche to be a man of Truth. He also wondered about climate change and freak storms like the one that had wiped out Pakistan: surely it was man-made thought the Black Rook. He remembered Martin Luther King's speech about rivers of justice and freedom falling from the sky. Were these climate change floods wiping out communities of communists and democrats, black and white and yellow around the world the very same 'rivers of freedom?' wondered the Black Rook.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 97

It is a curious fact, that years after the (Queen's side) Black Rook finished his many year long tour of duty in what historically, decades later, became known as the 9/11 wars (pronounced: nine eleven), he returned to America and began serious work on what would catch on to become the world leader in the 22 minute long cartoon comedy format: as previously stated, by 2017 he had outdone all the popular American cartoons like Family Guy, American Dad, Futurama, South Park, King of the Hill and the Simpsons. In fact, the King of the Hill cartoon, being the weakest in the litter, was the first to fall under the mighty paw of the Black Rook's comic genius.... later however, all other comers fell like so many underwater dominos surrounded by bubble-spewing shallow-water scuba divers.... so great was the popularity of the Black Rook's 'farken shlut' killer sound bite (see below), that it swept the world, it's pervasiveness in day to day life was so great that world leaders were recorded mimicking it when meeting other world leaders (regardless of gender) when they thought their microphones were switched off.... a Presidential candidate even used it in his campaign speeches: preceeded by 'No Thanks', thus: No thanks, yeah ya farken shlut. Young unmarried women would greet their friends in the street with a hug and a kiss and a high-pitched mimicking voice of the Black Rook's killer sound bite. Sometimes when people bought hot chicken at a deli, the attendants, instead of saying, have a nice day, would just say, 'yeah ya farken shlut' - just like the Black Rook's sound bite. In fact, McDonald's food chain around the world had their operating standards changed so that you could travel from a distant frontier hinterland in Communist China to a larger city with a McDonalds and after receiving your meal be told: 'Yeah ya farken shlut.'

Truly the Black Rook had stumbled upon success by channeling some great Cosmic Truth.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part xcvi

the Black Rook finished considering the memorable chess game he had played with the

(now deceased) King's side (Black) Rook in Dalian China with pieces made from ice...

as the (now deceased) King's side (Black) Rook gave mate with the Knight after sacrficing his Queen he said:

Look. Ice. Pant (he was puffing and hence he said 'pant' as in puff). The Knight

Look. Ice. Pant. The Knight.

It sounded just like: Look, I spent the night.


The Black Rook continued looking at some of the other Black Rook's personal effects and then turned his mind to something else as he sat sipping on a small and non intoxicating amount of Wild Turkey Bourbon. Deep within he had the yearning of an artist... the coming of the two from South Park had further sparked his artistic sentiments: the way they came. He was glad they had some pants to come in. First pantaloons to come in -- then briches -- they would be able to come in their briches. They had come.

Anyway, the point was that the Black Rook wanted to outdo the Simpsons, the Family Guy, Futurama, South Park, American Dad and any others that haven't been mentioned. It wouldn't be easy to outdo the relevance and comedic strengths of the aforementioned cartoon comedy shows: just think, they all had talented teams of writers who were snazzy east coast/west coast know everything Americans that knew the rules of football and had their thumbs on the pulses of the collective
popular culture of the world or America, since nobody watched cartoons from Slovakia.

The Black Rook was just one solitary aspiring artist, a veritable David as compared to the seasoned and wealthy veterans of the comedic minds and artistic legions of the various winning cartoon tv shows mentioned. The Black Rook remembered Jesus and the POWER that one man could wield for better or worse: if he only had Faith. Faith was one thing the Black Rook had, it wasn't that he was stupid, he just had a helluva lot of faith to draw on, the kind of faith that gives a mother freakish strength to hold up a 1 ton car to protect her baby from being crushed by it..........

not having a team of artists with snazzy computers like the Family Guy people and South Park people, et al, the Black Rook stuck his finger up his butthole and began to draw on the wall in front of him.... like Da Vinci, he began to write with one hand while he (finger) painted
with his other hand (with crap from his arsehole)....

here's what he began to create:

an Englishman that felt sad and confessed to some international (non-English) friends:

'my heart is broken, woe is me.'

But his international friends took it to mean:

'My hut is broken, woe is me.'

Hence his friends began offering him help:

'Let us help you with your hut.'

'I am good with roofs.'

The Black Rook began imagining all the producers and writers who would compare his work with Woody Allen and remark on his genius.

Then the Black Rook decided he would use a unique plot device or additive: a character with cerebral palsy prone to masturbating on a biscuit on his lounge-room floor or any number of funny places....
of course some people might find that offensive, and not at all humorous, but goddammit, he would have to be a Maverick. Goddammit it was ballsy he told himself. There was some other great idea the Black Rook had that didn't involve sticking his finger up his arse but he couldn't remember what it was. The Black Rook tapped his fingers on the table nearby him but his synapses only flashed forth with the wrong great idea: candy cane like in that movie with the out of control truck and truck driver: Joy Ride.... then the Black Rook thought some more and finally the great idea descended on him:

the idea that would crown the genius of his masturbating cerebral palsy character (with the biscuit) and the Englishman with the broken heart or hut: what a great sound bite! yes yes indeed! cried the Black Rook rapturously and indeed, with his unshakeable Faith in himself and his talent, he created a cartoon that revolved around an English man with a hut and a heart -- a person with cerebral palsy given to jerking off on a biscuit in various places -- and his classic catch-cry/ catch-phrase / killer sound bite: (see below)


this trio of simple concepts -- played over and over again -- repetitively, over and over again---brought
down South Park, American Dad, the Simpsons, the Family Guy, Futurama et al by the year 2017... Time magazine and Newsweek championed the unparalled boldness and genius of the Black Rook's comedy and the writers of the other cartoons could not believe that their sophisticated and detailed storylines and gags with never-ending plots and stories and such were usurped by a repetitive, stupid, simple concept:

Englishman hut/heart /// cerebral palsy jerker-offer /// killer sound byte........ how was it possible that these creative geniuses lost their complex stories and fanbase to a neverending re-looping of Englishman hut/heart /// cerebral palsy jerker-offer /// killer sound bite:

astounding

meanwhile -- somewhere in hollywood -- tom cruise sat back on his sofa and started watching some fox news
channel -- the good-looking bill hemmer was presenting america's newsroom... mr cruise looked around --
where was katie? he lowered a hand to his upper thigh -- and just smoothed out a wrinkle there and brushed
away some fluff......... cruise fell asleep and the characters on the screen started responding to his
brain waves -- his brain waves were actually controlling the television signals that were digitally
carried along and beamed out to the world as it were........ his sleeping imagination over-rode the
ones and zeros that constitute digital television and what he dreamt instantaneously played out to
millions of viewers around the world - astounding.... .... in his dreams / and on the tv screen --

fox news was morphing into wwf rock'n'roll wrestling..... bill o'reilly was some kind of muscular
mix of a vampire and viking god and was crushing nancy pelosi on the mat --- he held her head in a lock
in the crook of his elbow as she lay prone on the mat on her stomach thumping the floor with a spare fist
wearing nothing but short shorts and a skimpy bra top thing as o'reilly cruelly twisted her elbow ---- \
somehow ---- democratic senator harry reid, having miraculously survived a potentially career ending scandal in early 2007 involving a public restroom, police and the notion of hot (or passionate) gay sex appeared as another fantastically made up rock'n'roll wrestling character and together with former president jimmy carter and a couple of midgets (the latter two made out as motorcycle gang members) attacked O'Reilly and freed Pelosi........ at this point, Republican Fox News stalwarts Gretta Van Susteren and the unemployed (except for Fox News) political strategist Karl Rove entered the fray but not before Rove called out to Republican newcomer from Delaware, Christine O'Donnell to not pull a Sarah Palin and start saying kooky things about Russia and China --- and with that entrance, it was truly on............ but after a time Mr. Cruise stopped dreaming about these things and so all the people of the world that watch Fox News Channel, including regular comers and journalists from competing networks, were surprised to see this apparent gag end and Fox return to its normal programming....... but Cruise never stopped dreaming --- his dreams merely entered a deeper phase, like in the new Leonardo di Caprio movie --- would other channels be safe from their programming rituals being breeched by an unlikely vibratory source???


hear the Black Rook's killer soundbite here:

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 95

The Black Rook was requested by the Military to gather some of his buddy's possessions and return them to the Military for processing -- this buddy, of course, would be the (King's side) Black Rook who had died in combat recently after being despatched to Dimension 7 (the afterlife) by Love of Hole.

The Black Rook was from Queens (NY) of course! But where was the now deceased (King's side) Black Rook from? Much of his life was a mystery to his friend from Afghanistan and the Military.

The Black Rook drank some Wild Turkey Bourbon and studied some of the chess games he had played against the (King's side) Black Rook: Queen sacrifice and mate with the Knight - in Dalian China with giant pieces sculpted with chainsaws from large ice-blocks measured in cubic feet.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 94

'coucou! tu fai quoi alors!' (hey! what are you doing?!) said Stone to Parker.

The two met up again after losing eachother (and Williams) at a little marketplace in Kandahar.

'Il faux que nous allons avec misseur Kiedis: to fight the ants,' said Parker (we need to meet up with mr. Kiedis: to fight the ants) to Stone.

And so the two marched gaily on to find Mr. Kiedis and take care of the wild ants. They talked as they walked,

'Est-ce que tu souvien l'episode du 2007, octobre, s'agit de l'monde de imagination,' (do you remember the episode from october 2007, - Imagination Land -?) asked Stone.

'Mai oui! Bien sur!' responded Parker (Oh but of course) - 'c'etait le -saga- quoi!' (that was the saga! of course!) responded Parker, injecting his speech with a little savvy usage of the alien English language demonstrating culture and polish.

'Alors, pourquoi nous avons utilisee le Kurt Russell, pour quoi no le Rhianna?', asked Stone (now why did we use Kurt Russell and not Rhianna?).

And on and on talked the two.... finally Stone confessed that a four month break for summer holidays was not enough and that he had received a big offer from Mitsubishi Motors of Japan to buy out his share of the South Park franchise. Parker was incensed but Stone insisted that he wanted to relocate permanently to the south of France to open a small cabaret bar and grill there and write songs and play the piano like Billy Joel in the 'Piano Man' song.

'C'est le folie, quoi!' thundered Parker, somehow magically opening his vocal passages in ways that no acting teacher could ever have shown him, nay, not even a magician, (But that's crazy, Jesus!)

Still, Stone insisted that Mitsubishi Motors had offered him a very healthy amount for his half of the franchise and that any company that could get people around the world to drive a 4WD marketed as the Pajero which only just 'south of the border' from France meant nothing other than 'Wanker' couldn't be all that bad.

Meantime Kiedis had managed to reconvert the first ant he had brought down (with the help of Parker and Stone) back to human form and had arranged for her to be flown to Los Angeles by the U.S. Military, actually to San Diego. At one of the largest U.S. Military bases in the world (in San Diego, just 2 hours or so south of Los Angeles and on the very border with Mexico and the 'end of the world', so to speak, Kiedis had arranged for some of his Hollywood/LA buddies to retrieve Kadeetha from San Diego and the military and bring her to Malibu where they would make her a star complete with modestly priced wardrobe of 30,000$ -- a mere nothing in Hollywood terms -- cocaine addiction -- a nice home of her own to rent in the Hollywood hills, acting lessons, etc........ such was the advance of freedom that in no time Kadeetha had gone from outcast 4th wife of the Taliban's leading Jihadist to giant venom-squirting 20-metre long ant with killer fangs to Hollywood starlet/slut with venereal diseases, no talent, a whiny voice and a cocaine habit.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: flight 93 (catch-22)

a military psychiatrist (non-Muslim) entered the room Parker, Stone and Williams were being kept in and grabbed a chair from along the wall and sat on it with the front of his body facing the back of the chair;

'Look, here's the deal,' said the shrink, 'we think you're crazy, but if you engage in homosexual activities then we cannot say you're crazy because we've advanced so much as a human race that we realize that gay people aren't mentally ill; however, if you don't engage in homosexual activities then all the evidence indicates you're mentally ill which means we would keep you here indefinitely for observation.'

'And you keep Bin Laden in the non-crazy section?' steamed Parker.

'He's not a suicide-risk and never was, he was more the scheming, instigating type - and so far as we know he hasn't engaged in any homosexual activity. So yeah, we lock him up in the normal section,' answered the shrink.

Stone looked at his Captain's bars on his green uniform and asked him,

'So if we start fucking eachother here then you're gonna release us?'

'I know it's odd, we call it Catch-22, but pretty much,' answered the Captain.

***

A few minutes later the three entertainers left the prison and walked around the Kandahar streets, certifiably sane. One of them burped and another blushed at the first's burp. Yet another wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 92

Ten minutes later Stone, Parker and Williams were declared mentally ill and brought up a level to the psychiatric section. Bin Laden and the others were left in the normal section of the brig.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 91

German General Blotz, representing NATO came down to the brig to see who had been arrested, among the arrestees were the now twice-arrested Osama Bin Laden, Parker, Stone, Williams and others..... Parker, Stone and Williams were very outspoken and cocky in their belief that they were wrongfully arrested and would be freed soon.

Blotz, walking along a row of arrestees held in submission by Afghani soldiers stopped before Parker, Stone and Williams and said that eternal chestnut of prison flicks:

'Looks like we got some heroes here, you guys some heroes?' said Blotz while he tapped the three with his Billy Club.

'Think you can f*ck with my Billy Club boys?' asked Blotz, 'bring it on then!' and hit the three a little around the legs with his Billy Club to show them who was boss.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 90

after Parker and Stone took to the field Osama scored and a riot ensued with loyalties in the fight overlapping simple American/non-American fraylines....... the riot police consisting of Afghani Police and NATO soldiers sprang into action and locked very many players in the brig.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 89

Parker and Stone watching the game were furious they weren't allowed to play, and never moreso than when Mohammed Ali appeared during a time out to award Kiedis with his briches for an outstanding play. Now he would be eligible for a meddle or Medal (depending on your religion). This was more than the patriots of South Park could stomach.

'Dude this sux! There must be a way to get on the field so we can win our briches!' said Parker.

After venting more dissappointment, the two spotted a pretty young floor manager with a microphone/earphone headset and demanded to know how they could get on the field.

'There's a way, but you wouldn't want to do it,' she responded.

With this soothing light at the end of their tunnel, Parker and Stone realized there was a way -- and where there was a way, all that was needed was a will.

'You really wouldn't want to do it,' reiterated the cute floor manager.

***

Next thing was Stone was fucking Robin Williams up the arse while Williams sucked Parker's dick while he held Williams head by the hair.

The floor manager checked her stopwatch after a time and said, 'OK, that's enough,' and tossed the two players their cleats.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 88

after a few plays some of the soldiers watching and playing started saying:

'We don't wanna play with no serial killer,' referring to Osama Bin Laden.

'He ain't no soldier, he's a serial killer,' said another.

Before long, the spectators had organized some placards that read:

'No to cereal killers,' and; 'We hate granolas.'

Yet another placard decried Muesli.

Some of the Afghani soldiers and public watching started brandishing dummies painted with stars and stripes like those used in clothing stores called mannequins and called:

'American dummies shut up,' and; 'American dummies give us a break,' and; 'Go back to school American dummy.'

In this atmosphere, the game continued.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 87

the next day, the Black Rook arose and knew that his dream from the day before signified that he would die today -- but he wasn't sure if it was going to be die d-i-e or dye, d-y-e... he figured everytime he poured milk into his coffee he was dying.... or if a soldier spilt ketchup on his fatigues in the mess hall he was dying although not dying if you catch my drift...

in any case, while messing in the mess hall, the Black Rook got wind that some of the men would be playing fantasy football....... the Black Rook would captain one team, and Brigadier General Kohl from Bravo Company would captain the other team.......

the Black Rook chose the Red Hot Chili Pepper, Osama Bin Laden (who was secretly imprisoned by Bravo Company to be used as a propaganda tool by the military and the CIA, Randy Shorethang - a simple cook and a few others for his team.

Brigadier General Kohl chose his team (note that nobody chose Parker and Stone from South Park despite the two of them frantically calling 'me!' 'me!' at every draft.

The two teams walked onto the field and bets were placed on the sidelines. The Black Rook looked up at the sky ominously.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 86

The Black Rook completed his self-appointed reconnaisance mission amongst the Talibani Afghanis... he had ascertained where certain IEDs were laid and so decided to return to his base (after returning to military clothing). In fact, his base in Kandahar was next to Karzai's Kandahar digs. Upon returning to the base and just before changing clothes over in a safe place to do so, the Black Rook gave thought to the scope of the theatre's operations: the biggest deal was the big flooding in Pakistan - it would unstabilize things there greatly -- all of Pakistan had, in effect, become an economic refugee virtually overnight -- the discontent this state of affairs would cause would lead to more and more lashing out on vulnerable targets -- potentially even helicopters and airplanes. The Black Rook changed over his clothes and cleaned up a little at a safehouse and continued on foot to his base, now bearing arms. He had enough time for a quick nap and decided to lie next to the Alexandrian fountain by his base and catch a quick catnap...

he slept and began to dream he was in the days of Alexander the Great, perhaps because of some residual vibrations left in the fountain itself, perhaps because it was indeed laid there by Alexander himself, in his dream he saw Alexander visiting the Oracle at Delphi... the Oracle, breathing in fumes from the fissures below her and swooning in a trance said to the warrior before her:

'You will knock all dicks into the dirt, be sure.'

Then the Black Rook's dream morphed into something about Achilles and his being dipped into a river as a baby by the tendon by the heel on his foot.... this went on to a revelation that he would die in battle the next day.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 85

The next day, the Colorado police were surprised to find musical instruments in the lunch room at South Park/Comedy Central's studio where they had not been the day before when they were taking depositions. On the wall, someone (Ben Franklin) had scrawled with spraypaint (some of which had even spattered the drum kit):

I told you bitches to use the wild turkey, not the bald eagle, as the cymbal of State; motherfuckers

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 84

Back at Comedy Central's South Park studios, night had fallen. Leonardo and Michelangelo had left the lot after the military had kidnapped Parker, Stone and Kiedis: Michelangelo to follow through on his plan to check out the art scene in NYC - he booked a flight from Denver or Boulder to Newark airport and was currently in the air. Leonardo continued on in his van alone (or perhaps he had found company already?) towards Ohio and Wright Pat air force base where Donatello (also from the Italian rennacainse)still abided. The police had come to take statements from Karen and Martha and others there, and, as stated, night had fallen and the lot was empty and the building stood alone and dark.

In the lunch room where the TV on the wall that nobody watched played CNN earlier that day a flash in the darkness gave way to four time travellers emerging from elsewhere in the space time continuum:
had se
Benjamin Franklin,
Thomas Jefferson,
Wolfgang Mozart &
Jimi Hendrix.

The four had been playing video games in heaven and had seen Blitzer and King (from CNN's) rendition of Metallica's 'Four Leaf Clover' and arranged to flip forward into time for approximately half an hour or so to cut a better version of the song (than both Metallica's original version (and King and Blitzer's remix).... the four began unpacking their musical instruments which they carried with them. Upon making arrangements for the time-travel trip, the four had specified already on their Sega Playstations that they wanted to up their special skills, hence Ben Franklin chose to become an expert drummer, Jefferson would be a bass-guitarist and vocalist, Hendrix needed no extra skills and merely went about setting up his lead guitar. Mozart had brought a synthezizer and would be throwing in all extra sounds not covered by the other three. Finally, after some setting up and testing of instruments and sound recording equipment Jefferson looked at Mozart and the two nodded at eachother while Franklin began keeping a quiet beat on his cymbals -- of they went to go beyond where man had gone before them. Although in their own lifetimes, Mozart, Jefferson and Franklin were alive concurrently -- in fact, Mozart had naught to do with the latter two who were American Statesmen and busy readying affairs for the inscription of American Legality and Statehood or Nationhood for centuries and even millenia to come. No doubt Franklin and Jefferson had heard of famous musician and likewise, news would have arrived to Mozart at the tender age of 20 (by which time he had already achieved more musically, on a creative level, than perhaps 99% of all musicians before him and to come after him for many long millenia, such was his astounding talent.)

Needless to say, noone bettered Metallica's version of 'No Leaf Clover' than the version performed by these four: EVER. Half an hour later, the four had turned into wisps of mist: their earthly, physical forms had 'smokerized' like Jeannie in 'I dream of Jeannie' and their Immortal Souls returned to Heaven leaving their bodies behind.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 83

in the back of a plane flying within Afghanjistan, General Petraeus took a catnap --- during his catnap he began to dream about Foghorn Leghorn, the giant Rooster from the 1950s cartoons -- and the big dog.... then somehow the dream melded into a visit from Field Marshal Mathers (Eminem) and Bill Gates and Kiedis the Chili Pepper and Parker from South Park (but not Stone).......

'Cover your flanks,' said one of the four visitors.

'Yes,' said another, 'if you don't constantly check your shoelaces, you run the risk of stumbling.'

'Nobody wants to trip over and break their head open on an inconvenient stone,' said another.

'Cover your flanks,' said yet another eerie sounding voice.

And this dream was one of those that immediately causes the dreamer to wake up from it and remember it sharply.

general petraeus assumes the stance in afghanistan: part 82

Parker and Stone are more interested in speaking French to eachother and fondling eachother sexually. Meanwhile Kiedis goes off to explore the ants... Parker and Stone realize Kiedis may be in trouble after hearing some disturbing shrieks from the ants and a cry from Kiedis -- Parker and Stone have a moral struggle whether to help Kiedis or just continuing to whisper sweet nothings to eachother in French while they fondle eachother's nipples -- finally, their conscience wins and they go off and save Kiedis from certain death... at this point Supreme Field Marshall Mathers descends from above in a helicopter to award the three men their pantaloons, Parker and Stone are in awe and immediately begin to grovel and worship before Marshall Mathers (Eminem) as they adore him and secretly hope to spend 2 decades with him in their geriatric years in an expensive old age home if they all make it to age 70. Kiedis does not want to wear his pantaloons or his sock (except on his foot) so continues to walk around naked with boots on. Parker and Stone are happy to have pantaloons to wear however Parker refuses to remove the sock from his arse and even insists on putting another sock up there despite getting blisters from his army boots. Parker and Stone are eager to win their briches next so they can finally win a real bona-fide U.S. Armed Services Medal. Upon saving Kiedis, Parker and Stone tazed one of the ants and scared the rest off and the three now have occasion to explore and learn more about the giant (tazed and inert) ant. Supreme Marshall Mathers (and Dr. Dre from the Red Cross or Medicines San Frontier) depart as quickly as they arrived without leaving their helicopter or without it landing -- Eminem's 'The Way I Am' plays as they exeunt.