Bill O'Reilly mounted his horse Gwiniviere and made his way to his first day of school, the discipline? The Japanese/Korean martial art, Hapkido. On the way to school, he wondered about Napoleon and how if he could be Napoleon he could re-create the calendar and create new and different months and give them names and what kinds of names would they be - maybe Judo instead of July and so forth.
At the school O'Reilly puts on his uniform for the first time and wraps his belt around his girdle to tie the uniform together, white belt - just a beginner. Would he be able to master the various jump kicks, punches, rolls, shoves, kung-fu, bo-stick usage, num-chuk usage and etc, in order to advance all the way to black belt? And if so, how and when?
As he dresses so, he remembers when his father told him at age 10, according to the male-line family tradition in the O'Reilly family, the truth about their heritage, that they were all French and not Irish by descent - that upon arriving in America his great-great-great grandfather realized that Irish people were considered cooler than the French despite being a bunch of rotten Catholics.
His Master awaits him in the dojo.
"Call me Master Fong while we are in the dojo," says Master Fong.
The two step onto the mats for their first lesson together,
"The first item we will study will be the foot-sweep, we will do this by squatting down immediately while thrusting the left or right leg adjacent and radially outwards to the left or right as a first motion, like so," and the flexible teacher did so.
"Now think," said Master Fong, "as you practice this first movement of falling and bringing out the leg, followed by this 2nd movement, sweeping the opponent off balance: keyword - off balance; think about when you make sweeping generalizations about Americans and Moslems. How when it suits you to place all Americans into one basket and generalize about all 300 million of them, Moslem and otherwise, you do so; likewise, you do not hesitate to generalize loosely and randomly about the Moslems of Malaysia, Indonesia, the Arab world with its abundance of oil, or lack thereof, just as you would make sweeping generalizations of Moslems and Americans when it suits you, now imagine my legs are Moslems all here (and Master Fong indicated his left leg) -- now imagine this right leg are all Americans -- now try to sweep me off balance, like so..." and having said that, Master Fong deftly swept O'Reilly off balance ....
"...sweep, swept," said he.
* * *
Meantime, back in Afghanistan, Omar Mohammed, the leader of the Taliban, as you will recall, had previously been entertaining Reese Witherspoon and Courtney Love of Hole and listening to Snoop Dogg and drankin' gin was now calling to attention an meeting of his Lieutenants,
"I want you all to study these books in your free time," said he as he distributed books 'Three cups of tea', and, 'Stones to school'.
"The enemy highly regards this author and these books," continued Omar Mohammed, "read them to learn more about the thought processes of the enemy."
* * *
In turn, General Petraeus wrapped up a phone call with the Humane Society of America to sound them out on an idea of his to inject insurgents with a microchip so that they could be easily recognizeable by winged vehicles and ground vehicles even when said insurgents were dressed as women or otherwise trying to appear incognito,
"...so you don't think that would be too inhumane? Ok, ok," said he and hung up the phone. Next he turned his attention to some Lieutenants that were present and started distributing paperwork as was doing Omar Mohammed at the same time at a different, and secret, location,
"This is a dossier on Russian lesbian duo TATU - the enemy highly regards their creative spirit and we feel it would be useful to learn more about their lives and careers in order to better gauge our enemy."
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