Friday, December 31, 2010
mumble mumble
one day, the mainstream National Media in America were playing innocently on a meadow in their wholesome, child-like way, when they decided to play an old, favorite, game of theirs: making a cubby house with their university degrees and then hiding scar-ded-ly [sic] inside -- sometimes they invited liberal arts students to play this game with them -- in order to make scared, they needed a monster, and fashioned one like a snowman but made from their own poopy, this monster they called 'the truth', and after busily fashioning it, they quickly ran inside their university-degree cubbihouses and made scared, running and screaming in their makeshift tent.... above them, a glacier was melting quickly and an avalanche of water threatened to put a tragic end to their childish fun...
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
mumble mumble
Hilton's BFF was so painfully horrible if you watched Hiltoo much of it that eventually it was used not only by Al-Qaeda as a recruitment tool -- but by the U.S. govt. and military to torture terrorists with -- they realized by forcing them to watch it neverendingly - it was cause people to confess to magically making buildings implode at free-fall-in-a-vacuum-speed and making planes disappear after slamming into the Pentagon or into a field in Shanksville......
'we're so sorry for the magical 9/11 attacks and the disappearing airplanes,' said the inmates at Guantanamo Bay -- everyone was happy becoz it was a sincere apology -- and it was all driven by the mind-numbing stupidity of Hilton's show... with or without Perino...
'we're so sorry for the magical 9/11 attacks and the disappearing airplanes,' said the inmates at Guantanamo Bay -- everyone was happy becoz it was a sincere apology -- and it was all driven by the mind-numbing stupidity of Hilton's show... with or without Perino...
mumble mumble
later it came to light that Al-Qaeda's best recruitment tool was Paris Hilton's BFF reality show which was translated into a number of different language spoken in the Muslim world.......
mumble mumble
the more time u spent watching the Paris Hilton BFF reality TV show, the worst you would feel -- the less dopamine and seratonin you would have... if you were taking medication to help you quit smoking -- Hilton's BFF show could tip you over the edge and make you want to suicide -- but it could do that even if you weren't on meds or had a drug problem --- how Hilton could have such a stupifying effect on the Creation was astounding.... sometimes Hilton could do something nice, but the net product was mind numbing stupidity..... Perino, playing Hilton in her reality show was ready to suicide -- and do it under the guise of fundamentalist Islam... she had no qualms about taking out the producers/writers/camera people and potential BFFs... that is how adverse circumstances can make nice people do horrible things
mumble mumble
No-one that watched Paris Hilton's my new bff could possibly be happy thought Perino as she played Hilton.... she began to feel suicidal as the seratonin and dopamine drained completely from her hapless brain as it was surrounded by the utterly morbid stupidity of Hilton's show........ during a toilet break -- Perino/Hilton saw some happy Moslems walking around on the street -- it was a vision of paradise -- she excused herself from the Hilton mansion and the BFF show that was draining her dopamine and seratonin and craved the company of the Moslem mosque across the road.... before long, as she was so depressed by the day-to-day reality of Hilton's reality TV show 'BFF', Perino decided to become a suicide bomber with the help of the Imams at the mosque...... if you're gonna suicide, why not take out 100 dildos with you? was the rationale...
mumble mumble
Dana Perino as Paris Hilton sucked becoz Paris Hilton sucked.... but also becoz Dana Perino sucked... first there was a roast... Kathy Griffin was the most sickening vampires in attendance.... after blaming 10 Saudis for years for making the world trade centres fall at free-fall-speed-in-a-vacuum and making the plane in Shanksville disappear, Perino, who possibly sold her Soul to the Devil for some bubble-gum at age 10 would say that one of the Saudi hijackers passports survived the crash landing with the world trade cnt to come to rest on the pavement nicely --- 'focus', thought Perino, 'what is my motivation, I am human, I play games, I am American,' with all these Is and me me me's and I am this and I am that Perino finally got back into character as Hilton, 'I love nazi satan worshipping aboriginal-genociding anglo-saxon Australians becoz i see myself as an anglo-saxon,' and by affirming this to herself, Perino was ready to continue her role as Hilton.... it came at a price though -- Perino lost thousands of brain cells playing this role and living this life... without even abusing alcohol or drugs........ the more she played this role, the more likely she would want to reincarnate as a Moslem in her afterlife.......
mumble mumble
in LA, Perino masquerading as Hilton on her mtv show 'my new bff 2' was about to learn how retarded some ppl could be and would end up having more respect and Love for the humanity of Moslems than ever before.... at Duke's in Malibu, Perino starts crying about how some paparrazzi took a picture of her wearing green panties and then ppl on the internet brushed it up to make it show someone else's coochie how sad that made her -- then she starts crying about how Britney used her for her music career.... Perino/Hilton was the one that encouraged Britney's striking new no panties look for the paparrazzi in the first place in 2007 -- so Perino/Hilton was being pretty silly .... but no matter - becoz on season two, David would be there to wear high heels or corrective footwear, a skirt or kilt and there was the really gay dude, what an interesting crowd -- still, every night before bunking down in the Hilton mansion, Perino was richer than ever now, Hilton couldn't help feeling conflicted: Iran bad, Muslims bad, Muslims throwing rocks to stone unfaithful women to death: wrong wrong wrong! everything in her education taught her that! even dubya wouldn't have disagreed!.... but soft! spending day after day with Hilton's potential new BFFs like David and the gay guy and all the dopey sycophantic girls, Perino starts to want to stone a woman to death! ... the conflict was too great for Perino's mind -- a battle within ensued.........
after seeing the 1st season where there was a lot of vampire blood, the Satan-worshipping woodland critters from South Park who were wont to have blood-orgies, first slaying a sacfrificial critter, then gorging on the blood and then engaging in a group-orgy smothered with the sacrificial victim's blood.... after seeing that, the woodland critters wanted a piece of all the blood and such...
there was even an australian LA entertainment reporter asking the potential BFFs questions ... of course it was of the nazi aborigine-genociding anglo-saxon variety becoz they were the only ones the americans liked becoz the americans subconsciously believed they were english
after seeing the 1st season where there was a lot of vampire blood, the Satan-worshipping woodland critters from South Park who were wont to have blood-orgies, first slaying a sacfrificial critter, then gorging on the blood and then engaging in a group-orgy smothered with the sacrificial victim's blood.... after seeing that, the woodland critters wanted a piece of all the blood and such...
there was even an australian LA entertainment reporter asking the potential BFFs questions ... of course it was of the nazi aborigine-genociding anglo-saxon variety becoz they were the only ones the americans liked becoz the americans subconsciously believed they were english
mumble mumble
(continued from previous posting)... it wasn't some political dissident in Asia popular with some gringos half a world away .... the dopest, phattest, silliest and raddest person was... according to the big machine and the expert input, that person's name was:
Bobby Brown (the black rapper)....
when the announcement was made at St. Peter's in Italy... at Time Square in NYC... in all the EU capitals of Europe and minor sub-cities... everywhere.... the first reaction was everyone thought it was Michael Jackson as they never knew who Bobby Brown was and two black ppl were too many to remember after you stored some boxer names like Hollyfield and Tyson and knew about the existence of Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington away on a couple of brain synapses and drank or bumped some others away... in short, everyone thought it was a crock except for the Africans who was glad the global study revealed an African was figured the greatest human currently alive... everyone else started to riot.... Americans were so glad their Constitution had a provision to carry all the weapons they liked and create local militias and that each State could regulate itself.... as with the staggeringly disappointing announcement, after years of study and supercomputers and the input and hoopla of so many great scientists revealed such a disappointing result... anarchy was all that was left -- the Europeans were for-most in the thuggery -- their nasty Aryan inbred genes were dying to pitch up pitchforks and mount a riot, first Greece descended into anarchy, babies skulls being stomped on in the streets, excess children being gunned down in public.... the French Revolution on steroids... every day in Europe, for centuries......... that's how much everyone hated that UN study.........
Bobby Brown (the black rapper)....
when the announcement was made at St. Peter's in Italy... at Time Square in NYC... in all the EU capitals of Europe and minor sub-cities... everywhere.... the first reaction was everyone thought it was Michael Jackson as they never knew who Bobby Brown was and two black ppl were too many to remember after you stored some boxer names like Hollyfield and Tyson and knew about the existence of Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington away on a couple of brain synapses and drank or bumped some others away... in short, everyone thought it was a crock except for the Africans who was glad the global study revealed an African was figured the greatest human currently alive... everyone else started to riot.... Americans were so glad their Constitution had a provision to carry all the weapons they liked and create local militias and that each State could regulate itself.... as with the staggeringly disappointing announcement, after years of study and supercomputers and the input and hoopla of so many great scientists revealed such a disappointing result... anarchy was all that was left -- the Europeans were for-most in the thuggery -- their nasty Aryan inbred genes were dying to pitch up pitchforks and mount a riot, first Greece descended into anarchy, babies skulls being stomped on in the streets, excess children being gunned down in public.... the French Revolution on steroids... every day in Europe, for centuries......... that's how much everyone hated that UN study.........
mumble mumble
some ppl at the United Nations and some museum in France decided to carry out a study to figure out how boring ppl really were and how it could be expressed mathematically, given the differences in various cultures... they factored in fun things like drinking alcohol and flirting.... smoking pot and socializing in bars.... watching tv for 10 hours a day... cutting one's own body or general self-flagellation.... wife-beating.... flying around in a private jet... masturbating... and so on and so forth.......... a whole bunch of data was fed into a computer and leading sociologists and cultural and religious experts gathered their minds together and CNN fortunately wasn't there to muddy the waters up -- Bollywood was taken into account, Hollywood, the South Korean entertainment industry that wowed mainland china... suicide bombers were studied, warriors, terrorists, fathers, mothers, school teachers... autistic ppl, gays, hot-air balloon pilots, air-force pilots... gypsies, jews, drug-dealers.... everyone had a consciousness, a mind, their own pair of arms and hands for getting things and moving them and scratching with.... legs to run on, kick with, dance on.... a mind to think with... precious thoughts to go over and recollect in the quiet of a jail cell in isolation month after month.... schizophrenic visions that flash like lightning through the mind... artistic visualizations to paint... words to write... songs to sing, instruments to play, rivers to walk aside, stars to sleep under... hills to roll down... board games in exotic far flung towns to play...... all was fed into the giant matrix.... the answer finally arrived, who was happiest, most beloved by God... it couldn't be Jesus as he was no longer in human form.... it wasn't anyone from Stanford.... it wasn't some political dissident in Asia popular with some gringos half a world away .... the dopest, phattest, silliest and raddest person was... according to the big machine and the expert input, that person's name was:
mumble mumble
on the other side of things the real Perino settled in to her new life as Paris Hilton: some sunny skies, big mansion, swimming pool, reality tv show to find a new best friend to party with.... for the first day or so it was pretty cool and different being Paris Hilton in la la land... but the great vibe was soon to wear off -- and when it did -- Ja Rule was there to kick the door down and let a whole bunch of vampires into the Hilton mansion -- Perino and her potential new best friends also started morphing into vampires and a vampire clusterf*ck was at hand, wooden stakes thru hearts, faces that melted and bubbled flesh, teeth that morphed into fangs... chest hair that grew from nowhere -- giant black bat wings and human bodies that morphed into monsters from Hieronymous Bosch paintings.... everyone out to kill and tear neck flesh apart and suck blood......
mumble mumble
After much arguing from the Law and Order cast in pre-trial arguments with Judges and defense lawyers, the DA department decided to not offer Hilton a plea-bargain and go ahead and try her for the maximum punishment: Murder One... a commercial break ensued...
mumble mumble
after that crazy episode of Fox and Friends with Hilton as a Perino imposter, the producers went into damage control and the show went on... but some weeks later, despite nobody discovering about the personality swap, Varney went missing --- police suspected foul play and the cast of Law and Order went in to investigate... there were at least a score of lawyers from Law and Order and Fox News monitoring the case, it seemed that Hilton, who everyone still thought was Perino, that bombshell would come out later, had a defense lawyer that argued that Varney's death was caused by Hilton mistreating him, but that Hilton sincerely thought he was a dog, not a human, somewhat reminiscent to the South Park episode, 'Stupid spoiled whore', which features Hilton in a similar story....
mumble mumble
Stud taught Hilton a bunch of things, fine details about health-care reform/bill, about the new incoming congress... that Putin was the boogeyman and Russia and England were America's best friends... Hilton was able to carry a conversation about politics, but the admonition not to pet and cuddle Stu Varney as though he were a pet dog went in vain.... Hilton was introduced one day to Fox and Friends show in the morning as Dana Perino, no-one knew it was really Paris Hilton, she sat on the Kirby Couch and started talking politics... then Stu Varney was introduced but he wouldn't come on stage... then Hilton/Perino ran off the couch a moment and brought him in on a leash, he must have been well trained by Hilton as he did a number of tricks for her like rolling over and catching snacky-treats etc...
mumble mumble
Hilton-cum-Perino needed a crash course on how to carry her role at Fox News -- a handler/instructor was met with her... Brock Stud...
Brock: Paris, your new name is Dana Perino, you used to be the White House spokesperson, when you were doing that job the news was the same everyday, someone in Iraq drove into a crowd and suicided and killed 200 --- then Obama got elected, passed health care and the suicides stopped....... Paris occasionally you will be working with a guy from England -- that's a whole different country, near France..... whatever you do, do not feed him smackos, i repeat, do not feed him doggy treats... do not pet him on camera..... that is FUNDAMENTAL Paris
Brock: Paris, your new name is Dana Perino, you used to be the White House spokesperson, when you were doing that job the news was the same everyday, someone in Iraq drove into a crowd and suicided and killed 200 --- then Obama got elected, passed health care and the suicides stopped....... Paris occasionally you will be working with a guy from England -- that's a whole different country, near France..... whatever you do, do not feed him smackos, i repeat, do not feed him doggy treats... do not pet him on camera..... that is FUNDAMENTAL Paris
mumble mumble
the next thing that happens in our story is amazing.... the secret boardroom of Illuminati that pulled off 9/11 and held the patents to engines running on water, consisting of George H.W. Bush, Mr. T, etc, (as seen in the 'Stonecutters' episode of the Simpsons)... decide to use a zapper like in the Men in Black movie to pull a s-witch-er-roo on Paris Hilton and Dana Perino, former White House spokesperson,... in a twinkling of an eye, the two were zapped and switched over... the results were interesting to say the least...
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
mumble mumble
Leonardo came up w. Excellent plans for a snow.proof airport runway and fowarded them to the Pentagon...basically a large section of grates or steel grids would b kept gently heated to melt and let subside massive amounts of falling snow... Planes would b able to land safely on the grids... 'make it happen' scribbled Leonardo on a memo w. His left hand while he played computer chess w. The right...and sent off the plans on email...
Jacob threw some shoes and cash at cornjob o.brien and yelled at him to get out of iraq...
'look at it jerk King off? Is that what u said?' Jacob asked the Colbert cutout who continued watching the king obrien interview..
Obrien founded the famous australian windscreen company that bore his name...
'beethoven im here,' signed Jacob to beethoven, 'to help u overcome ur shyness beating women up... Now look,' said Jacob... 'Fill in the gaps on the boxing gloves, put the pain in Spain' said Jacob and placed some boxing gloves with the coat of arms of spain on them and an 's' followed by four hypens 's - - - -'... Now mark this music by some lads from england: ''prodigy,'' and so saying Jacob placed next to the gloves some sheet music that completely outlined every bleep and bloop of the prodigy song, ''smack my bitch up''... 8eethoven turned his gays (sic) from the gloves to the sheet music... 'mark the long and enduring falsetto midway thru here beethoven in d flat... Can u see d flat? Yes there it is, that is d flat...' Or da apartment in american english... The latter Jacob said without signing to beethoven as a little joke to himself... And the colbert cutout... 'beethoven... These r different times to ur own... Women have so many rights now... Scientists almost have snow proof airport runways and they are working on a drug to make men lactate so as they breastfeed the kids themselves... Women all wear pants and have degrees and will soon run the pentagon... They've just let gaze (sic) into the military.... If u dont beat the shit out of Rhianna in ur next ...a... Bout then feminist dykes everywhere will be mighty put out... Do it for Mozart,' added Jacob as a last xtra pitch.
Jacob threw some shoes and cash at cornjob o.brien and yelled at him to get out of iraq...
'look at it jerk King off? Is that what u said?' Jacob asked the Colbert cutout who continued watching the king obrien interview..
Obrien founded the famous australian windscreen company that bore his name...
'beethoven im here,' signed Jacob to beethoven, 'to help u overcome ur shyness beating women up... Now look,' said Jacob... 'Fill in the gaps on the boxing gloves, put the pain in Spain' said Jacob and placed some boxing gloves with the coat of arms of spain on them and an 's' followed by four hypens 's - - - -'... Now mark this music by some lads from england: ''prodigy,'' and so saying Jacob placed next to the gloves some sheet music that completely outlined every bleep and bloop of the prodigy song, ''smack my bitch up''... 8eethoven turned his gays (sic) from the gloves to the sheet music... 'mark the long and enduring falsetto midway thru here beethoven in d flat... Can u see d flat? Yes there it is, that is d flat...' Or da apartment in american english... The latter Jacob said without signing to beethoven as a little joke to himself... And the colbert cutout... 'beethoven... These r different times to ur own... Women have so many rights now... Scientists almost have snow proof airport runways and they are working on a drug to make men lactate so as they breastfeed the kids themselves... Women all wear pants and have degrees and will soon run the pentagon... They've just let gaze (sic) into the military.... If u dont beat the shit out of Rhianna in ur next ...a... Bout then feminist dykes everywhere will be mighty put out... Do it for Mozart,' added Jacob as a last xtra pitch.
Monday, December 27, 2010
mumble mumble
half the world couldn't go to work becoz they were flooded or snowed in... everyone said it's great and blinked, fulfilling Nietzsche's philosophy about the last man - that he will say, 'we have created happiness,' and blink......
Jacob rolled up outside the Colbert cutout party at 230am and the Colbert cutout was standing there with a brick on the ground just behind him...... maybe he had crapped his pants....
brick in spanish is ladrillo --- to bark (like a dog) in spanish is ladrar --- the spanish word for bark on a tree trunk does not at all in any way resemble 'ladrar'
Jacob picked up the COlbert cutout and followed thru on his plan to meet up with his homeboy Beethoven who was in town --- Beethoven had lost his hearing completely and was almost finished composing Fur Elise..... Jake rocked up with an ear of corn on the cob just to be corny.......
at Beethoven's Larry King was interviewing Corn-job O'brien....... Conan couldn't stop talking about the cashew nut and then started talking macro-economics and coined a new word: cash-ues which was a conjoining of cash and issues and used to describe a lack of liquidity in specific marketplaces/markets/zones/places, etc.... King and O'brien went on to compare alien life forms that could travel quicker than the speed of light in spaceships and pulverize and make tall buildings implode as stone-age Talibanis becoz they didn't have marching bands like in america with baton-twirlers and football and hockey..... no wonder the Russians never wanted anything to do with the americans (and vica-versa) -- and that explained why America's only friend was Great Britain, a country full of homosexual scum-of-the-earth......
'that's some seriously fucking kickarse music!' said Jacob to Beethoven sincerely.... but Beethoven couldn't here him so Jacob got in front of him while he sat and played the piano and mimed out his enthusiasm.........
Jacob rolled up outside the Colbert cutout party at 230am and the Colbert cutout was standing there with a brick on the ground just behind him...... maybe he had crapped his pants....
brick in spanish is ladrillo --- to bark (like a dog) in spanish is ladrar --- the spanish word for bark on a tree trunk does not at all in any way resemble 'ladrar'
Jacob picked up the COlbert cutout and followed thru on his plan to meet up with his homeboy Beethoven who was in town --- Beethoven had lost his hearing completely and was almost finished composing Fur Elise..... Jake rocked up with an ear of corn on the cob just to be corny.......
at Beethoven's Larry King was interviewing Corn-job O'brien....... Conan couldn't stop talking about the cashew nut and then started talking macro-economics and coined a new word: cash-ues which was a conjoining of cash and issues and used to describe a lack of liquidity in specific marketplaces/markets/zones/places, etc.... King and O'brien went on to compare alien life forms that could travel quicker than the speed of light in spaceships and pulverize and make tall buildings implode as stone-age Talibanis becoz they didn't have marching bands like in america with baton-twirlers and football and hockey..... no wonder the Russians never wanted anything to do with the americans (and vica-versa) -- and that explained why America's only friend was Great Britain, a country full of homosexual scum-of-the-earth......
'that's some seriously fucking kickarse music!' said Jacob to Beethoven sincerely.... but Beethoven couldn't here him so Jacob got in front of him while he sat and played the piano and mimed out his enthusiasm.........
Sunday, December 26, 2010
mumble mumble
shortly after speeding off Jacob lost his temper and started punching out the Colbert cutout -- 'how could you do that? you just decapitated my sister!' bam, bam, bam... he punched and punched until his fist was making contact with the car door behind the cutout and he had to stop when he hurt his own fist very badly......
he drove on in silence and after a very long silence, he fixed the cardboard cutout in its seat a little and started talking like Don Corlione from the Godfather,
'look man, here's the deal... i've got some business arrangements with some celebrity news agencies in LA, i don't want to mention any names, but a certain movie star, a woman, she just had a famous divorce not that long ago, the media painted the husband as a lousy cheat and her as the unlucky victim, but at least one and possibly two news agencies had a bunch of dirty low-down on the woman, but they didn't release it, she went to a cocktail party with a football team.... USC? you say, no, it was LA Galaxy, a soccer team, apparently, during the marriage, the entire team buttfucked her on the balcony where the party was at, one-by-one, some kind of magic chain or something --- word on the street is, she farted for weeks after that and it smelt like come...... yeah you're right about that, it's gross, that's for sure.........' evidently Jacob had calmed down a lot and wasn't mad with the Colbert cardboard cutout anymore......... 'look what i want you to do isn't extortion, i just want you to stand over this woman, tell her to tone it down a little bit, stop bad-mouthing her ex-husband and acting all innocent...' said Jacob and took a swig of root-beer from a hip flask... 'root beer?' he said to the Colbert cutout, holding the flask before it, 'don't like root beer, huh? what's my angle on the movie star lady thing? well basically her ex-husband's people are making noises and want her to shut up... the plan is, i'll drop you outside a fancy niteclub in the Hollywood hills, you'll go inside and attend a party where she will be, you'll have an opportunity to meet her and you'll tell her the following phrase, memorize it well: "the shiny dildo is not a happy camper," i repeat, "the shiny dildo is not a happy camper," -- when you say this to her, she will know what it means, walk away after that and enjoy the party some more and then just wait for me outside at 230am.... where will i be? no i won't be coming to the party, some fundamentalist Muslim friends are anxious for me to take them to the set of a popular reality TV show, also in the Hollywood Hills, if you hear a faint pop, that will be the fundamentalists' bomb... they are sure they can help the relationships of some of the starlets that are falling out with eachother by placing some bombs strategically.... sound like a plan?'
he drove on in silence and after a very long silence, he fixed the cardboard cutout in its seat a little and started talking like Don Corlione from the Godfather,
'look man, here's the deal... i've got some business arrangements with some celebrity news agencies in LA, i don't want to mention any names, but a certain movie star, a woman, she just had a famous divorce not that long ago, the media painted the husband as a lousy cheat and her as the unlucky victim, but at least one and possibly two news agencies had a bunch of dirty low-down on the woman, but they didn't release it, she went to a cocktail party with a football team.... USC? you say, no, it was LA Galaxy, a soccer team, apparently, during the marriage, the entire team buttfucked her on the balcony where the party was at, one-by-one, some kind of magic chain or something --- word on the street is, she farted for weeks after that and it smelt like come...... yeah you're right about that, it's gross, that's for sure.........' evidently Jacob had calmed down a lot and wasn't mad with the Colbert cardboard cutout anymore......... 'look what i want you to do isn't extortion, i just want you to stand over this woman, tell her to tone it down a little bit, stop bad-mouthing her ex-husband and acting all innocent...' said Jacob and took a swig of root-beer from a hip flask... 'root beer?' he said to the Colbert cutout, holding the flask before it, 'don't like root beer, huh? what's my angle on the movie star lady thing? well basically her ex-husband's people are making noises and want her to shut up... the plan is, i'll drop you outside a fancy niteclub in the Hollywood hills, you'll go inside and attend a party where she will be, you'll have an opportunity to meet her and you'll tell her the following phrase, memorize it well: "the shiny dildo is not a happy camper," i repeat, "the shiny dildo is not a happy camper," -- when you say this to her, she will know what it means, walk away after that and enjoy the party some more and then just wait for me outside at 230am.... where will i be? no i won't be coming to the party, some fundamentalist Muslim friends are anxious for me to take them to the set of a popular reality TV show, also in the Hollywood Hills, if you hear a faint pop, that will be the fundamentalists' bomb... they are sure they can help the relationships of some of the starlets that are falling out with eachother by placing some bombs strategically.... sound like a plan?'
mumble mumble
Jacob sped off horrified with his sister's decapitated corpse lying splayed on the gravel roadway and the 2-dimensional DVD-rental store cardboard cutout of Colbert splattered with blood....
'what the hell did you have to decapitate my little sister for?!' ejaculated Jacob... 'you got freaked out because i started representing you as a mine? what? what the hell are you talking about?.... i said that you were mine? oh Jesus! I said you were mine, not A mine! oh man this is too crazy...'
'what the hell did you have to decapitate my little sister for?!' ejaculated Jacob... 'you got freaked out because i started representing you as a mine? what? what the hell are you talking about?.... i said that you were mine? oh Jesus! I said you were mine, not A mine! oh man this is too crazy...'
mumble mumble
author's note to future generations....
at this point the author would like to clarify to future generations something about this generation... the 1990s were really the last decade of normal weather the Earth saw - it was also the decade that the internet and roaming mobile-phone technology took root... truly, everything seemed normal, if somewhat jaded to some people up until the 9/11 terrorist attacks.... religion, although still a hot-button issue in terms of Muslim/Christian divide was still a big issue... but more and more... weather would become the big issue for coming generations... even in this time 2010 -- it is common for people to became defensive and evasive when discussing man-made climate change and very many other people denied the science and stated that man was not changing weather conditions by de-foresting massive areas of indonesia and brazil -- that the millions of year-old methane gas waiting to escape 20% of the Earth's land surface which was frozen in Russia and Canada wasn't a serious catastrophe waiting to happen --- that the oceans weren't already topped out with co2 and the plankton that transmuted it fast dying out along with fish stocks.... by 2010 - half of the world's millions of year old oil supplies were burnt up and a great amount of coal for electricity too........
the culture of this day is that the winning countries were happy in their co2 burning wealth -- and the freer and more democratic they were, the more sceptical and deeply jaded and un-serious they became...
Americans, in an misguided attempt to show leadership -- threw up one false idol after another in the form of celebrity gods: movie and tv stars, rappers... this trend continued for decades but the only ppl that really worshipped dumb american celebrities were the idiot americans and canadians and new-zealanders and some Brits and Australians (the latter never managed to master even their own language and modeled themselves on British-small-minded-bigotry)... the European Union citizens cared little for most American celebrities and in most cases had simply never heard of more than a tenth of them... the European Union didn't care about anything American except the two bailouts in World War I which wasn't a bailout for Germany but a knocking-her-down.... the European Union didn't even care about pursuing happiness through the American model of prosperous trade and hard work -- this would first become evident in Greece where people preferred rioting and destruction over hard work on the basis of their principles.... they could hardly be blamed -- the European Union, which had decided to galvanize herself under one currency and code of order through the parliament in Brussels, perhaps reaping seeds sown by Napoleon two centuries earlier, found herself constantly the butt of international investor's negative speculation against her Nation-States' weaker economies and the overal currency.....
in 2010 the European Parliament held a secret meeting away from the prying eyes of American and Russian intelligence agencies and initiated their plans for a giant maxitron robot, like the one in the transformers movies, that would enable the European Union to, in the words of the immortal Nietzsche, impose her will over Earth's ever more barren and out-of-control ecology and resources, 'for a thousand years to come'...
at this point the author would like to clarify to future generations something about this generation... the 1990s were really the last decade of normal weather the Earth saw - it was also the decade that the internet and roaming mobile-phone technology took root... truly, everything seemed normal, if somewhat jaded to some people up until the 9/11 terrorist attacks.... religion, although still a hot-button issue in terms of Muslim/Christian divide was still a big issue... but more and more... weather would become the big issue for coming generations... even in this time 2010 -- it is common for people to became defensive and evasive when discussing man-made climate change and very many other people denied the science and stated that man was not changing weather conditions by de-foresting massive areas of indonesia and brazil -- that the millions of year-old methane gas waiting to escape 20% of the Earth's land surface which was frozen in Russia and Canada wasn't a serious catastrophe waiting to happen --- that the oceans weren't already topped out with co2 and the plankton that transmuted it fast dying out along with fish stocks.... by 2010 - half of the world's millions of year old oil supplies were burnt up and a great amount of coal for electricity too........
the culture of this day is that the winning countries were happy in their co2 burning wealth -- and the freer and more democratic they were, the more sceptical and deeply jaded and un-serious they became...
Americans, in an misguided attempt to show leadership -- threw up one false idol after another in the form of celebrity gods: movie and tv stars, rappers... this trend continued for decades but the only ppl that really worshipped dumb american celebrities were the idiot americans and canadians and new-zealanders and some Brits and Australians (the latter never managed to master even their own language and modeled themselves on British-small-minded-bigotry)... the European Union citizens cared little for most American celebrities and in most cases had simply never heard of more than a tenth of them... the European Union didn't care about anything American except the two bailouts in World War I which wasn't a bailout for Germany but a knocking-her-down.... the European Union didn't even care about pursuing happiness through the American model of prosperous trade and hard work -- this would first become evident in Greece where people preferred rioting and destruction over hard work on the basis of their principles.... they could hardly be blamed -- the European Union, which had decided to galvanize herself under one currency and code of order through the parliament in Brussels, perhaps reaping seeds sown by Napoleon two centuries earlier, found herself constantly the butt of international investor's negative speculation against her Nation-States' weaker economies and the overal currency.....
in 2010 the European Parliament held a secret meeting away from the prying eyes of American and Russian intelligence agencies and initiated their plans for a giant maxitron robot, like the one in the transformers movies, that would enable the European Union to, in the words of the immortal Nietzsche, impose her will over Earth's ever more barren and out-of-control ecology and resources, 'for a thousand years to come'...
mumble mumble
next thing Jacob wanted the 2-dimensional dvd-rental cardboard cutout to meet his little sister in small town California not far from Palm Springs near Arizona....
'she's a musician,' said Jacob, 'from Australia...'
'what does she play? is that what you're asking me? it's a new funky kind of instrument she's created, it's a stick and she's nailed bottle caps onto it and shakes it around for a great sound.... are we white trash? yes sir, yes we are... we're related to Charles Manson...'
Jacob stopped at a little town with a few houses and a strip mall visible... he stopped outside one shack and honked the horn... out came a 15 year old girl...
'crikey cobbler, who's your friend there? can i suck him off for $5,' said Jacob's little sister...
'no you leave him alone, he's mine,' said Jacob holding his little sister at bay with his palm on her forehead.... at this point something crazy went down... the
2-dimensional dvd-rental cardboard cutout must have been on crystal meth at the time and hallucinating because the next thing that happened was Jacob's little sister was decapitated and there was blood all over the Colbert cardboard cutout....
'she's a musician,' said Jacob, 'from Australia...'
'what does she play? is that what you're asking me? it's a new funky kind of instrument she's created, it's a stick and she's nailed bottle caps onto it and shakes it around for a great sound.... are we white trash? yes sir, yes we are... we're related to Charles Manson...'
Jacob stopped at a little town with a few houses and a strip mall visible... he stopped outside one shack and honked the horn... out came a 15 year old girl...
'crikey cobbler, who's your friend there? can i suck him off for $5,' said Jacob's little sister...
'no you leave him alone, he's mine,' said Jacob holding his little sister at bay with his palm on her forehead.... at this point something crazy went down... the
2-dimensional dvd-rental cardboard cutout must have been on crystal meth at the time and hallucinating because the next thing that happened was Jacob's little sister was decapitated and there was blood all over the Colbert cardboard cutout....
Saturday, December 25, 2010
mumble mumble
as the two fished for breakfast... Jacob thanked the Colbert cutout for his presence during Christmas, 'it's just great, you hear?'... said Jacob... he looked at the cardboard cutout's crotch area and noticed there was some vanilla custard there... he must have spilled some of his brekky thought Jacob, 'thanks for coming Mr. Colbert,' he added for good measure...
Jacob realized that what he wanted to do was war... he could go to Iraq and fight for the insurgency, or for the Americans... or he could go to Mexico and get involved in the drug wars.... or he could use the Iraq idea in Afghanistan or he could become a terrorist........ he decided to go visit a cousin in LA first thinking maybe he could just get a 9 to 5 and be an occasional urban serial killer........... 'it's all good,' he said to himself (and the 2-dimensional Colbert cutout) as he placed it in the convertible and threw some sand on the fire ....
Jacob realized that what he wanted to do was war... he could go to Iraq and fight for the insurgency, or for the Americans... or he could go to Mexico and get involved in the drug wars.... or he could use the Iraq idea in Afghanistan or he could become a terrorist........ he decided to go visit a cousin in LA first thinking maybe he could just get a 9 to 5 and be an occasional urban serial killer........... 'it's all good,' he said to himself (and the 2-dimensional Colbert cutout) as he placed it in the convertible and threw some sand on the fire ....
mumble mumble
after sleeping off the rest of the morning at a highway camp-stop next to a quick make-shift fire... the uncontrollable shadows and voices of Jacob's mind unpredictably and uncontrollably manifested.... telling him to take a knife up and prey for God -- prey with an 'e', not an 'a'... 'prey for God,' said the hellish voice in his mind and a disturbingly hellish image would flash into his mind....... 'kill!' screamed the Satanic voices.......... but for the sake of his cardboard cutout friend, Jacob would not heed the voices or images, nor give any indication that they ran through his mind, despite his fear that his mind would not be able to bear the burden any longer and would succumb..... he struggled to listen to the Colbert cutout, that seemed to be talking through a mist, telling him about his short novels -- the novels he wrote as a teenager and young man...
'i always believed in a great book,' said the cardboard cutout Colbert as he lay next to the fire in his immaculate, never-creasing suit from the video store... 'a truly great novel, hell, even some colorful memoirs can really cause some beneficial ripples in the pond...'
Jacob did all he could to follow the conversation... 'ah, hah, yes,' said Jacob, timing his answers now just to fit in with the musical cadence of the conversation, no longer able to muster the will to actually follow the actual words of the conversation.... such was the stress placed on his mind by the auditory and visual hallucinations....
'i always believed in a great book,' said the cardboard cutout Colbert as he lay next to the fire in his immaculate, never-creasing suit from the video store... 'a truly great novel, hell, even some colorful memoirs can really cause some beneficial ripples in the pond...'
Jacob did all he could to follow the conversation... 'ah, hah, yes,' said Jacob, timing his answers now just to fit in with the musical cadence of the conversation, no longer able to muster the will to actually follow the actual words of the conversation.... such was the stress placed on his mind by the auditory and visual hallucinations....
mumble mumble
after the fight Jacob cleaned up the cardboard cutout a little... must have pee-d his pants or maybe it was just petrol spurting from the bowser.... the three bullies dragged themselves away with their tales between their legs (metaphorically speaking as they never actually had real tales although they could do with genetical engineering)....
Jacob played some evenescence music, like that song, 'wake me up inside,' and the two crossed over into California in the early early early hours of the morning....
Jacob played some evenescence music, like that song, 'wake me up inside,' and the two crossed over into California in the early early early hours of the morning....
mumble mumble
at the last petrol station before leaving Arizona for California, Jacob stood holding the Colbert 2-dimensional cardboard cutout next to the bowser as his petrol tank filled with gasoline... he looked so great under the suns deepening afternoon rays, he moved a leaf that had gotten into his hair.... suddenly some tough guys approached,
'well, looky here... what do we gots ourselves here, looks like some kind of queer,' said one of the tough guys and the three trianguled around Jacob...
'you some kind of corn-pokin' queer,' said another of the three tough guys, a third merely planted his feet apart some and raised a hand to the straw in his mouth that he chewed on a little...
'i am not an elephant,' said Jacob, unperturbed, he was not afraid, he was armed and had a black belt in karate and was perfectly calm and ready to deal with these people...
'did you hear that boys?' said one of the three bullies, 'he's not an elephant... looks to me like you're some kind of queer... who's your boyfriend there?'
'that's Stephen,' answered Jacob, 'Stephen Colbert...'
'looks like some fancy high-falutin' big-city type,' observed the 2nd bully...
a fight broke out and Jacob started doing all kind of fancy karate kicks, at one point he called out to the Colbert cutout to hold one of the bullies in the full-nelson hold while he beat him up a little... the Colbert cutout was wet around the crotch area, like it had pee-d itself....
'well, looky here... what do we gots ourselves here, looks like some kind of queer,' said one of the tough guys and the three trianguled around Jacob...
'you some kind of corn-pokin' queer,' said another of the three tough guys, a third merely planted his feet apart some and raised a hand to the straw in his mouth that he chewed on a little...
'i am not an elephant,' said Jacob, unperturbed, he was not afraid, he was armed and had a black belt in karate and was perfectly calm and ready to deal with these people...
'did you hear that boys?' said one of the three bullies, 'he's not an elephant... looks to me like you're some kind of queer... who's your boyfriend there?'
'that's Stephen,' answered Jacob, 'Stephen Colbert...'
'looks like some fancy high-falutin' big-city type,' observed the 2nd bully...
a fight broke out and Jacob started doing all kind of fancy karate kicks, at one point he called out to the Colbert cutout to hold one of the bullies in the full-nelson hold while he beat him up a little... the Colbert cutout was wet around the crotch area, like it had pee-d itself....
mumble mumble
Eve began mocking Jacob (Billy-Bob) Ladder that he was a lousy lover and was only good at making it with a cardboard cut-out and that he couldn't even get a real boyfriend, just a cardboard cutout -- it was mighty unsettling to Jacob and he snapped at her baiting and started punching her out a little --- perhaps she enjoyed it --- but most likely it was bittersweet for her... she baited him some more and this time he really crossed the line, he took out a gun and fixed to shoot out one of her kneecaps -- she saw what he was up to and begged forgiveness, 'please no, please no, please no, don't shoot me, i'm sorry, you're a great love, i am a very negative influence on you...'
those were the magic words Jacob needed to hear and he picked up his new love interest (the Colbert cardboard cutout) and placed it in the passenger seat of his two-seater convertible and jumped behind the steering wheel without bothering to open a door and sped away spraying gravel into the camera.......
as they two cruised along the beautiful arizona highway, Jacob talked to his new lover some more,
'you're the best friend i've ever had, you've never turned on me, i love you...' the two rode on in silence after that, Jacob figured the Colbert cutout was just as exhilerated as he was.....
'woooohooooooo!' screamed Jacob as they motored along, he was free of Eve once and for all... he would never have to see her again....... 'where should we go to my little petit-ami?' Jacob asked the Colbert cutout.... 'to LA? is that what you said?' asked Jacob.... and nodding, he agreed, 'well then to LA it is....'
those were the magic words Jacob needed to hear and he picked up his new love interest (the Colbert cardboard cutout) and placed it in the passenger seat of his two-seater convertible and jumped behind the steering wheel without bothering to open a door and sped away spraying gravel into the camera.......
as they two cruised along the beautiful arizona highway, Jacob talked to his new lover some more,
'you're the best friend i've ever had, you've never turned on me, i love you...' the two rode on in silence after that, Jacob figured the Colbert cutout was just as exhilerated as he was.....
'woooohooooooo!' screamed Jacob as they motored along, he was free of Eve once and for all... he would never have to see her again....... 'where should we go to my little petit-ami?' Jacob asked the Colbert cutout.... 'to LA? is that what you said?' asked Jacob.... and nodding, he agreed, 'well then to LA it is....'
Friday, December 24, 2010
mumble mumble
Jacob's girlfriend's name was Eve Yule... always ready to help and nurture, like a good woman, she asked, as Jacob was lying and busy humping,
'i'm gonna make myself a coffee, would you like me to microwave your poopy dinner a little? do you think you'll need a condom for that?'
'i'm gonna make myself a coffee, would you like me to microwave your poopy dinner a little? do you think you'll need a condom for that?'
mumble mumble
the video store clerk looked at his girlfriend as she entered the Blockbuster, god he hated her.... why was he with her again? oh becoz life was a meaningless joke and God had died, choking on his own vomit, or a pretzel, or had just forgotten about Earth and was busy with something else......... becoz life was so ugly you needed the vilest, nastiest woman to remind you of it -- in case you became DI (see below)......... Jacob Ladder knew how he would lose the woman this time,
'you know what? i'm gay,' he told her, 'i'm coming out... you are the last straw that has tipped me irrevocably against women... God died and life has no meaning... instead of suiciding i am just going to have sex with men from now on as you have forever poisoned anything good and loving i could have found in a woman,' said Jacob to his girlfriend.
'if that's true,' she said, 'then start humping that cutout of Stephen Colbert right now,' she said, indicating a cardboard cutout of Colbert in the Blockbuster store used for marketing some Colbert movie, 'and then,' she continued, laying a little plastic baggy she'd been holding, along with a dog leash, 'then eat this shit...' she paused, 'if you do those two things, in that order, i'll leave you forever...'
'you can still say hi to me once a year on facebook if you like,' he said as he walked over to the cutout of Colbert to pick it up and take it on a date...
'you know what? i'm gay,' he told her, 'i'm coming out... you are the last straw that has tipped me irrevocably against women... God died and life has no meaning... instead of suiciding i am just going to have sex with men from now on as you have forever poisoned anything good and loving i could have found in a woman,' said Jacob to his girlfriend.
'if that's true,' she said, 'then start humping that cutout of Stephen Colbert right now,' she said, indicating a cardboard cutout of Colbert in the Blockbuster store used for marketing some Colbert movie, 'and then,' she continued, laying a little plastic baggy she'd been holding, along with a dog leash, 'then eat this shit...' she paused, 'if you do those two things, in that order, i'll leave you forever...'
'you can still say hi to me once a year on facebook if you like,' he said as he walked over to the cutout of Colbert to pick it up and take it on a date...
Thursday, December 23, 2010
mumble mumble
That loveable and blathering scallywag Colbert, for that indeed was his name, if you could remember his existence long enough to punctuate a thought about him long enough to dwell on a shadowy, fuzzy recollection, was a swell enough guy that anyone would rather morph into a dog for a full minute and start humping his leg as opposed to live in eastern europe or the former ussr excluding Russia.... was able to turn a real profit by marketing and selling French cheese in his own name -- his new high profile role as point-man for the Western Film Industry Bailout Corp. was just the leverage he needed to drive home the victory 100% - his full resounding potential would be in selling French Fromage.... just his name 'Colbert' insinuated screamingly, 'fine cheese,' -- his boring, mild-mannered image, exciting for dogs wanting a leg to hump, screamed: French Cheese.... anyway, in his role as point man for the film bailout corp, Colbert understood he was dealing not only with an industry of abstractions and intellectuality, but also of realities and workers across various timezones with outrageous schedules -- actors, directors, editors, office-working sound technicians, the myriad and kalaidescope of the industry failed his scope-like vision not....
'I see the scope of it all,' he said, 'let micro-managers trouble about the niggling day to day realities...'.... Colbert, in his non-cheese pursuits, regarding the film industry bailout, realized he needed to portray a simple concept as best he could, and clothe it in the best way possible for the resident Truth to be understood, in the end, he chose a parable treating on the French Foreign Legion and the Vietnam War..... 'friends,' he addressed a large crowd including UN members and film industrialists representing management in major studios, etc, 'when people thinking about joining the French Foreign Legion to fight in Vietnam before the Americans got involved there, ppl talking to them said, "don't do it! we hear story after story of the 50% of soldiers who return alive return as demented imbeciles".... think about it people," continued Colbert, whose audience from his TV show the Colbert Section, indeed were precisely the same way... 'friends, we have a reality today where 95% of the movies being released by the distributors, whether they were filmed 2 years ago and left on the shelf until now for release, or whatever their stories were, we have a serious demented imbecile problem, or DI as we call it,'... the audience nodded understandably, distributors, producers, actors, everyone, he was really making sense, getting through to them, 'friends i've heard talk that when robert de niro goes home every day, he throws cards against a wall to see how close they can land, starts twiddling his lower lip while expelling air noisily and spends hours on end scratching his testicles in this way...'... again the audience murmered appreciably about the disturbing rumors..........'friends,' continued Colbert, 'it has even gotten so bad, there are now macro-economists that blame America's 10% unemployment on APING the lifestyle decision they see depicted in film and television fictional scenarios... they argue that in China there is no such problem...' next Colbert flashed up a series of movies currently out for release featuring the stars of the day, Witherspoon, Jolie, Depp, Stiller, de Niro... it was truly cringe-worthy.... someone fainted and a stretcher arrived to carry the person to a hospital....
'I see the scope of it all,' he said, 'let micro-managers trouble about the niggling day to day realities...'.... Colbert, in his non-cheese pursuits, regarding the film industry bailout, realized he needed to portray a simple concept as best he could, and clothe it in the best way possible for the resident Truth to be understood, in the end, he chose a parable treating on the French Foreign Legion and the Vietnam War..... 'friends,' he addressed a large crowd including UN members and film industrialists representing management in major studios, etc, 'when people thinking about joining the French Foreign Legion to fight in Vietnam before the Americans got involved there, ppl talking to them said, "don't do it! we hear story after story of the 50% of soldiers who return alive return as demented imbeciles".... think about it people," continued Colbert, whose audience from his TV show the Colbert Section, indeed were precisely the same way... 'friends, we have a reality today where 95% of the movies being released by the distributors, whether they were filmed 2 years ago and left on the shelf until now for release, or whatever their stories were, we have a serious demented imbecile problem, or DI as we call it,'... the audience nodded understandably, distributors, producers, actors, everyone, he was really making sense, getting through to them, 'friends i've heard talk that when robert de niro goes home every day, he throws cards against a wall to see how close they can land, starts twiddling his lower lip while expelling air noisily and spends hours on end scratching his testicles in this way...'... again the audience murmered appreciably about the disturbing rumors..........'friends,' continued Colbert, 'it has even gotten so bad, there are now macro-economists that blame America's 10% unemployment on APING the lifestyle decision they see depicted in film and television fictional scenarios... they argue that in China there is no such problem...' next Colbert flashed up a series of movies currently out for release featuring the stars of the day, Witherspoon, Jolie, Depp, Stiller, de Niro... it was truly cringe-worthy.... someone fainted and a stretcher arrived to carry the person to a hospital....
mumble
it was pretty blooming well, as the varmits of england were given to say, obvious to anyone that wasnt a complete maximus ignoramus to see that the 'western' film industry had failed... Just as GM failed and needed a bailout and wall street failed and needed a handout... And the Feds were repossessing banks left right and centre or every 2 by 3 as the spaniards say... So too the 7th art had failed... A can-do approach was implemented... A task force designated... corben or correll or whoever was the dark haired guy that did the restoring sanity meeting in washington dc with the grey speckled colored hair guy would be the designated point man for the task force... His job was to make sure the ball made it into the basket nicely each and every time...
'my tummy hurts,' was his call to battle... His banner was something that could be used as a banner...
'my tummy hurts,' was his call to battle... His banner was something that could be used as a banner...
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
mumble
dre excitedly called eminem after hours of mixing
'euroka my wigga!' said dre excitedly...'i have created the greatest rap song of all times!'
'motherfucka,' responded eminem, 'i told u not to call me, im watching Tron.'
indeed eminem was watcing Tron in his own private home cinema... Tron was the only movie out catering to the non-homosexual,
non-communist masses.... In fact, worse movies never came out of the ussr then all the movies showing except for Tron... How it was possible that ppl paid to watch them was only explicable by avowing that the masses had lost their precious spark of individualized soul... Or flying computer rings as depicted in Tron....having lost their souls the masses would mindlessly zombie walk to any old cinema and watch any old representation of mass comunism and homosexuality that was on show, meet the fockers, the tourist, megamind, etc, etc
'call me in an hour!' said eminem angrily and disconnected.
'euroka my wigga!' said dre excitedly...'i have created the greatest rap song of all times!'
'motherfucka,' responded eminem, 'i told u not to call me, im watching Tron.'
indeed eminem was watcing Tron in his own private home cinema... Tron was the only movie out catering to the non-homosexual,
non-communist masses.... In fact, worse movies never came out of the ussr then all the movies showing except for Tron... How it was possible that ppl paid to watch them was only explicable by avowing that the masses had lost their precious spark of individualized soul... Or flying computer rings as depicted in Tron....having lost their souls the masses would mindlessly zombie walk to any old cinema and watch any old representation of mass comunism and homosexuality that was on show, meet the fockers, the tourist, megamind, etc, etc
'call me in an hour!' said eminem angrily and disconnected.
the dee are eee
dr dre and eminem held a bet that they could produce a better selling rap single by bill oreilly than any snoop dogg hit... To carry out there plan they managed to get oreilly to agree to a drunken rednck bison hunting trip...shooting bison from the tray of a pick up truck with high powered rifles... Dre had a bunch of dopearse beats and samples ready to go and he and eminem just had to get oreilly drunk enough to sign a contract and start rapping lines they would surrepticiously record.... Eventually, a few dead bison and a box or two of beer later there was fresh ink on the page and oreilly was singing was a shotgun over his shoulder,
'glock glock bitch glock glock yo yo... I love Jesus ... He.s great on xmas cards and all yo yo glock glock... But when aliens snatch yo arse in a bear trap its time to bomb afghanistan back to the stone age... Make sense? Glock glock mothafucka... Snatch yo ass in a bear trap glock glock...'
dre sat and mixed it all...
'glock glock bitch glock glock yo yo... I love Jesus ... He.s great on xmas cards and all yo yo glock glock... But when aliens snatch yo arse in a bear trap its time to bomb afghanistan back to the stone age... Make sense? Glock glock mothafucka... Snatch yo ass in a bear trap glock glock...'
dre sat and mixed it all...
mumble mumble
the only thing the ppl at fox news loved more than more bigots from england were polls... Not Poles...but polls...the polls indicated that more ppl loved chicks than raymond... these ppl meant young single women when they said chicks... But in china, when analyzing the economy, macro and micro economists always referred to chicks as chicken..cock offspring which they studied when assessing inflationary pressures and food supply... Hence new software called soft-cock would b implemented to differentiate the two different meanings of chicks so as to render poll results apt...
Still, all the software, microsoft, soft-cock and otherwise could not create accurate climate models and abnormal climate change weather projections... And this would b a key factor in the world's journey into socialism as a function of bad weather...
Still, all the software, microsoft, soft-cock and otherwise could not create accurate climate models and abnormal climate change weather projections... And this would b a key factor in the world's journey into socialism as a function of bad weather...
mumble mumble
at Fox News, a few weeks back in november, some enterprising producers came up with the idea of labelling a box 'xmas special on the facts of the life of Jesus'... Everyone in the manhattan studios were encourged to scrape crud from their 'cruddish shoes' and drop the crud in the box...later in early december they started arranging the crud with vomit from the catholic church to pollute the water w. More mistruths about the great Messiah and Amen.
Colbert.
O,reilly started using real words for his word of the day instead of fake words written by thesaurus writers that checked yes when asked about moral turpitide by INS.
O.reillys producers held a meeting,
'ok, this time we'll wheel out left wing punching bag Coombs but instead of having oreilly defecate on his intellect we'll do an oreilly miller one two.'
its hard to see why Coombs would want to be beaten up for his lunch money everytime he appeared on o.reilly but one theory was that bing on oreilly made him appeal to his fan base or readership who thought he always did well... Another theory was that Coombs belived, for whatever reason, that he was blood cousins with rapper sean diddy Coombs and as xmas was arriving and more wrappers than ever would be needed... Coombs would b ableto get diddy to beat up other ppl for their lunch money..part of which had aleady belonged to coombs....
Oreiilys producers were interested in researching the cultural revolution in china and had started the practice of everyone calling eachother 'shit eating cock whore', in order to get into character...
Colbert.
O,reilly started using real words for his word of the day instead of fake words written by thesaurus writers that checked yes when asked about moral turpitide by INS.
O.reillys producers held a meeting,
'ok, this time we'll wheel out left wing punching bag Coombs but instead of having oreilly defecate on his intellect we'll do an oreilly miller one two.'
its hard to see why Coombs would want to be beaten up for his lunch money everytime he appeared on o.reilly but one theory was that bing on oreilly made him appeal to his fan base or readership who thought he always did well... Another theory was that Coombs belived, for whatever reason, that he was blood cousins with rapper sean diddy Coombs and as xmas was arriving and more wrappers than ever would be needed... Coombs would b ableto get diddy to beat up other ppl for their lunch money..part of which had aleady belonged to coombs....
Oreiilys producers were interested in researching the cultural revolution in china and had started the practice of everyone calling eachother 'shit eating cock whore', in order to get into character...
Monday, December 20, 2010
mumble mumble
Letterman tries to peddle movies like one with Jeff Bridges where he wears britches and pretends he cannot speak English properly while dangling meats hang all over him -- you can just imagine your russian mother in law that hates you standing over you and saying, 'they tried to make art, but failed'
but the 2 new segments that really win the ratings are:
Dave's Greek holiday -- every week, Dave does a segment in Greece from his holiday or else in front of a green-screen..... audiences thrill to images of Dave standing around on rioting streets where molotov cocktails are thrown at cops and cops beat down on rioters with billy clubs....
the other segment that was a real slayer was Dave's 'climate change losers,' Dave travels America and sometimes appears in a Chinese village thanks to green-screen or wherever always in a village/town/city devasted by wind/fire/earth or air...... Dave interviews locals and ascertains they had no insurance, how much property value did they lose -- Dave consoles them with a frozen chicken
but the 2 new segments that really win the ratings are:
Dave's Greek holiday -- every week, Dave does a segment in Greece from his holiday or else in front of a green-screen..... audiences thrill to images of Dave standing around on rioting streets where molotov cocktails are thrown at cops and cops beat down on rioters with billy clubs....
the other segment that was a real slayer was Dave's 'climate change losers,' Dave travels America and sometimes appears in a Chinese village thanks to green-screen or wherever always in a village/town/city devasted by wind/fire/earth or air...... Dave interviews locals and ascertains they had no insurance, how much property value did they lose -- Dave consoles them with a frozen chicken
mumble mumble
shit-eating cock whore David Letterman decides to go on a holiday to Greece... after he saw the riots on week after week after week after week after week after week after week after week........... this normal Western European country had imploded on itself, perhaps there was an identity crisis being that Greece was really in Eastern Europe...... but was always 'Western'........ or maybe Greece's English name created confusion in the markets due to its homophonic status with the word 'grease'...... either way, Letterman, who used the word 'I' more than any other person, and whose show was always a celebration of his own quirks and foibles... decided he needed a holiday where he wasn't the focus of attention......... hence Greece........... he hoped to snap some shots of protestors bashing policemen's brains in....... take pictures of bloody faces......... he expected to catch a train or a bus or a plane nowhere within Greece as everyone was on strike......... he packed rations good for the week he planned to spend there -- as the restaurants would all be on strike..... 'better pack some num-chuks,' said Dave
Saturday, December 18, 2010
mumble mumble
Beethoven won his first bout and went on to defeat his 2nd contender and went on to his 3rd match and won that too... he lost his hearing completely and started composing the 9th symphony while preparing for his fourth bout against Rhianna.... at this stage of Rhianna's career, she was a slave to Jay Z who would not let her out of the studio until she finished recording a cover of Leslie Gore's 'sunshine, lollypops and rainbows,' which he intended to add blips and blooping sounds that crackheads and teenagers everywhere would go crazy about and spent millions of dollars on the cds making them go platinum.........
'if it don't go platinum, you don't eat,' said Jay Z.
'if it don't go platinum, you don't eat,' said Jay Z.
mumble mumble
returning to the golf course... after mr. du bois teed off on hole one and colleen indirectly congratulated him, mr du bois said to his caddy,
'fix the clod,' referring to the divot of grass and dirt that had been unearthed...
'yes claude,' responded the caddy -- a real cad.
'here, take my driver,' said claude, referring to his one wood, 'and give me my namesake in number three,' continued claude... his caddy wordlessly passed him a three wood and claude walked off down the fairway....
environmentalists protested the rape of the earth after they saw the divot fly along with claude's tee.... they held signs up and cat-called and badgered him until he found his solitary ball somewhere down the fareway...
'fix the clod,' referring to the divot of grass and dirt that had been unearthed...
'yes claude,' responded the caddy -- a real cad.
'here, take my driver,' said claude, referring to his one wood, 'and give me my namesake in number three,' continued claude... his caddy wordlessly passed him a three wood and claude walked off down the fairway....
environmentalists protested the rape of the earth after they saw the divot fly along with claude's tee.... they held signs up and cat-called and badgered him until he found his solitary ball somewhere down the fareway...
mumble mumble
the morrison-oreally-miller case vs. Mohammed Singh dragged on... Mohammed retained famous novelist Dante from like one thousand years ago... The other two kept dodson.s sister.s video looping shot saying 'r u serious my boy?' for their own legal counsel which Miller activated via remote control from time to time... In case after case as the parties sued and counter sued eachother the two opposing lawyers battled it out...
'mister singh,' questioned his own client Dante, 'you say before u met the plaintiffs' (or defendents depending on the lawsuit), 'that the elevator descended to the very depths of the mall, some five levels below the ground level, is that correct?' asked dante.
'i plead it was the 5th,' said Singh.
'objection!' called morrison-oreally.
'r u serious my boy?' followed dodson on autopitch.
The judge called for clarification... Did he mean the 5th amendment?
'no,' said Singh, 'it was the 5th level of HELL...P5.'
'and what exactly was this hell?' asked Dante.
'that is the name of the mall, hell is an acronym for happy endless loveable luxury,' responded Singh to his lawyer.
'would u like to cross-question quickly?' asked the judge.
'are u serious my boy?' asked Dodson, after which the hushed courtroom broke out in excited conjectural murmering.
'mister singh,' questioned his own client Dante, 'you say before u met the plaintiffs' (or defendents depending on the lawsuit), 'that the elevator descended to the very depths of the mall, some five levels below the ground level, is that correct?' asked dante.
'i plead it was the 5th,' said Singh.
'objection!' called morrison-oreally.
'r u serious my boy?' followed dodson on autopitch.
The judge called for clarification... Did he mean the 5th amendment?
'no,' said Singh, 'it was the 5th level of HELL...P5.'
'and what exactly was this hell?' asked Dante.
'that is the name of the mall, hell is an acronym for happy endless loveable luxury,' responded Singh to his lawyer.
'would u like to cross-question quickly?' asked the judge.
'are u serious my boy?' asked Dodson, after which the hushed courtroom broke out in excited conjectural murmering.
Friday, December 17, 2010
mumble mumble
wealthy and moderately famous elderly french industrialist from Nice with a penchant for Alice in Chains music had developed an obsession with CNNs Colleen McEdwards... He had taken to, in his dwindling years before his impending death... To having an assisstant follow him everywhere with a tv set on a trolley showing McEdwards head everywhere he went.... Whoof! He teed off on hole one at the golf course and there was McEdwards mug on a tv set on a trolley on wheels saying, 'great shot Claude,'... Obviously mssr. Du bois' assisstant was kept busy in his free time cueing and setting up all kinds of dialog for Claude... At the local country club dance hall Claude danced around w. His trolley w. Its tv on top w. The likeable mug... There was
Claude moshing with the teenagers, his tv and trolley bouncing next to him... The talking head on the screen even rocked back and forth like someone out of a guns and roses videoclip... Claude was so rich, the village couldnt say no to the crazy fool when he invited them all to his wedding...with the tv and trolley... To mcedwards... As the food was
so good and the wine so abundant....
'that Claude du bois is a real nutty eccentric... But what wealth, good god!' said the villagers.
Later, the old man finally died and the entire village turned out for the funeral and to see what he had willed and to whom at the village courthouse.
Claude moshing with the teenagers, his tv and trolley bouncing next to him... The talking head on the screen even rocked back and forth like someone out of a guns and roses videoclip... Claude was so rich, the village couldnt say no to the crazy fool when he invited them all to his wedding...with the tv and trolley... To mcedwards... As the food was
so good and the wine so abundant....
'that Claude du bois is a real nutty eccentric... But what wealth, good god!' said the villagers.
Later, the old man finally died and the entire village turned out for the funeral and to see what he had willed and to whom at the village courthouse.
mumble mumble
bill morrison o'reilly, who despite protesting to glenn beck manzarek that he never had a mother, did, indeed, have a mother; she called him and demanded he stop acting the shit-eating cock whore.....
in Kelly's court, the case between Mohammed vs. morrison o'reilly and miller, was discussed in detail.... in the end, Attorney shit-eating cock whore General Holder had to take an interest in the case just to make a token show he wasn't a hopeless christmas-tree hugger in the face of separation of church and state torts....... morrison/o'reilly and miller's best civil legal defense came in the form of the sister of antoine dodson saying, 'are you serious my boy,' in auto-tune techno voice over and over and over again, indeed, she wouldn't even need to attend the courtroom in person but a television was simply wheeled out by the old court bailiff, switched on and miller could press a button everytime their defense lawyer's input was needed for the judge or cross-examination of witnesses, etc, 'are you serious my boy?'
in Kelly's court, the case between Mohammed vs. morrison o'reilly and miller, was discussed in detail.... in the end, Attorney shit-eating cock whore General Holder had to take an interest in the case just to make a token show he wasn't a hopeless christmas-tree hugger in the face of separation of church and state torts....... morrison/o'reilly and miller's best civil legal defense came in the form of the sister of antoine dodson saying, 'are you serious my boy,' in auto-tune techno voice over and over and over again, indeed, she wouldn't even need to attend the courtroom in person but a television was simply wheeled out by the old court bailiff, switched on and miller could press a button everytime their defense lawyer's input was needed for the judge or cross-examination of witnesses, etc, 'are you serious my boy?'
mumble mumble yo mama, AIGHT
shit eating cock-whores bill morrison o'reilly (who came up with his 1st real word for his word of the day segment in 'sycophant' and might again one day come up with a real word like 'nebulous') and shit eating cock whore sidekick dennis miller rock up to a big-arse shopping mall -- o'reailly on his horse gwiniviere... the two come upon an elevator and encounter a solitary ascender/descender within wearing a turban... the two shit eating cock-whores who felt uncomfortable about their repressed desires to kiss eachother, even just on the cheeks, looked at eachother as if to say, 'check out towel-head,'...
the guy in the turban wasn't even muslim.... after screaming on their mobile phones with no regard for the guy in the turban for half the ride, the turban guy sang ever so quietly a charming song from pakistan under his breath, practically inaudible.... morrison o'reilly and miller construed this is inciting jihad and tried to make a citizen's arrest, assaulting the man, who resisted, in the fact.......
palin (sarah) consults elton john some mo' about fixing her political career some mo.... john tells her that with the mid-terms over and the republicans having won, the tea party movement were all eating slurpees and cold chillin' invisible, and that palin should start talking about north korea and scaremongering a little about it, but first should get on her knees, bark like a dog a little and fetch stick for elton john a while........... john also congratulated her on her scary looking look from haiti which had all kinds of lefties feeling scared....... 'keep going for that look that scares kanye,' said john.......
shit eating cock whore putin (vladimir) in russia decided to scrap all reality tv shows becoz it stirred up nationalist skinheads to beat up non-russians in russia.. he decided instead to go for some photo shoots wearing grey and running around in a grey treadmill like a grey hamster.....
leonardo and boticelli started getting excited about the prospect of nuclear war on the korean peninsula and japan and started conjecturing and war-gaming on a big apple computer....
the guy in the turban wasn't even muslim.... after screaming on their mobile phones with no regard for the guy in the turban for half the ride, the turban guy sang ever so quietly a charming song from pakistan under his breath, practically inaudible.... morrison o'reilly and miller construed this is inciting jihad and tried to make a citizen's arrest, assaulting the man, who resisted, in the fact.......
palin (sarah) consults elton john some mo' about fixing her political career some mo.... john tells her that with the mid-terms over and the republicans having won, the tea party movement were all eating slurpees and cold chillin' invisible, and that palin should start talking about north korea and scaremongering a little about it, but first should get on her knees, bark like a dog a little and fetch stick for elton john a while........... john also congratulated her on her scary looking look from haiti which had all kinds of lefties feeling scared....... 'keep going for that look that scares kanye,' said john.......
shit eating cock whore putin (vladimir) in russia decided to scrap all reality tv shows becoz it stirred up nationalist skinheads to beat up non-russians in russia.. he decided instead to go for some photo shoots wearing grey and running around in a grey treadmill like a grey hamster.....
leonardo and boticelli started getting excited about the prospect of nuclear war on the korean peninsula and japan and started conjecturing and war-gaming on a big apple computer....
Thursday, December 16, 2010
mumble mumble yo mama, AIGHT
in northern virginia, the fairfax family prepared for their xmas holidays... we will not make allusions as to which of the world's great religions belonged varying members of the fairfax family, or whether they had anglo-cized their name or names from some other less aglo-ethnic sounding names.... the reality was as follows:
'Margie, you pick up the fertilizer from gardens and pots, i'll soak it petrol when you get home and in the meantime i'll work on the eggnog,' said dad.
'Dad, there's a couple of gay kids at school me and my friends have to beat up, we're just gonna bloody his nose a bit, maybe break it, can i use your knucklebusters?' asked junior fairfax.
'Sure, son, if they're in the school's thespian society then give them a punch in the gut from papa fairfax!' said the father and gave his son a good-natured rub on head with his knuckles.
'Dad, I need more birth control pills before the stores close for the christmas holidays, some of the guys on the varsity team said they might date-rape me if i'm lucky,' said daughter fairfax.
'Girl that's one for your mother, i don't want to know about it.'
'Margie, you pick up the fertilizer from gardens and pots, i'll soak it petrol when you get home and in the meantime i'll work on the eggnog,' said dad.
'Dad, there's a couple of gay kids at school me and my friends have to beat up, we're just gonna bloody his nose a bit, maybe break it, can i use your knucklebusters?' asked junior fairfax.
'Sure, son, if they're in the school's thespian society then give them a punch in the gut from papa fairfax!' said the father and gave his son a good-natured rub on head with his knuckles.
'Dad, I need more birth control pills before the stores close for the christmas holidays, some of the guys on the varsity team said they might date-rape me if i'm lucky,' said daughter fairfax.
'Girl that's one for your mother, i don't want to know about it.'
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
mumble mumble some mo
nevada senator Harry Reid arrived early for the news conference and started working on his new book: Zoron and the magical thang...
Two journalists were also there early and apparently began to make fun of mr.reid becoz of the disastrous fbi sting in 2007...
'are u shit eating cock whores making fun of me?' harry challenged them.
The two started laughing and asked him what he would do about it if they were...
'id introduce u to percy,' said Reid and drew a .
.45 magnum like the one used by det. Callaghan in the clint eastwood movies...
'suck percy's cock', said Reid, inserting the muzzle of his .45 magnum into first one and then the other journos mouths and cocking Percy,
'unless u want to start picking up ur friend's brains from the floor, i suggest u shut ur shit eating cock whore mouths up and pretend this never happened,' said Reid firmly.
The other two nodded convincingly in unison.
Two journalists were also there early and apparently began to make fun of mr.reid becoz of the disastrous fbi sting in 2007...
'are u shit eating cock whores making fun of me?' harry challenged them.
The two started laughing and asked him what he would do about it if they were...
'id introduce u to percy,' said Reid and drew a .
.45 magnum like the one used by det. Callaghan in the clint eastwood movies...
'suck percy's cock', said Reid, inserting the muzzle of his .45 magnum into first one and then the other journos mouths and cocking Percy,
'unless u want to start picking up ur friend's brains from the floor, i suggest u shut ur shit eating cock whore mouths up and pretend this never happened,' said Reid firmly.
The other two nodded convincingly in unison.
mumble mumble opera party in auckland nz
at the opera party in auckland were famous rockers jon bon jovi and bono... Some musicos and producers told bon jovi he might go for a new soumd by drinking a botte of vodka, eating two raw eggs...some sand and milk and then letting someone punch him in the gut and recording it...
Bono from u3 spoke for a while to nichole kiddingman.s husband huckleberry finn,
'i reckons i can get my raft down the mississipie in time tom, what do u reckon?'
'goddam coon killing aussies talking like oklahomans,' thought bono to himself... And
he started to zone out, remembering his childhood friendsback in ireland and how exactly they were raped by the nuns and priests... There was mikey flannigan who was forced to perform fellatio on a coming priest while another priest gave him a reamjob by
licking his arsehole out while a nun stood by chanting 'coming, coming, coming' and dousing them all w. Holy water... 'if only he could have just had his legs blown off in iraq... Would have been easier on poor mikey flannigan...'
Bono from u3 spoke for a while to nichole kiddingman.s husband huckleberry finn,
'i reckons i can get my raft down the mississipie in time tom, what do u reckon?'
'goddam coon killing aussies talking like oklahomans,' thought bono to himself... And
he started to zone out, remembering his childhood friendsback in ireland and how exactly they were raped by the nuns and priests... There was mikey flannigan who was forced to perform fellatio on a coming priest while another priest gave him a reamjob by
licking his arsehole out while a nun stood by chanting 'coming, coming, coming' and dousing them all w. Holy water... 'if only he could have just had his legs blown off in iraq... Would have been easier on poor mikey flannigan...'
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
mumble mumble
supporting actor collen mcedwards from cnn presented an interview in her own home w. Famous and swashbuckling european south african (possibly of dutch descent) jars kerkenberken who had become a famous mercenary and bounty hunter in the ever more perilous mexican drug war...
'entra, entra,' said colleen in pigeon spanish. Jars kicked the door down and turned over the couch before resting a foot on a coffee table and lighting a cigar which he ashed on the floor...
'here.s my bunny rabbit, flopsie,' said colleen radiantly and adorably hugging flopsie the rabbit while pointing out another rabbit flipsy-plipsy... jars drew out a glock and toasted flipsy-plipsy on the spot... Colleen immdiately began crying like olive oil in the popeye cartoons... Godammit she is cute, thought Jars to himself...
'entra, entra,' said colleen in pigeon spanish. Jars kicked the door down and turned over the couch before resting a foot on a coffee table and lighting a cigar which he ashed on the floor...
'here.s my bunny rabbit, flopsie,' said colleen radiantly and adorably hugging flopsie the rabbit while pointing out another rabbit flipsy-plipsy... jars drew out a glock and toasted flipsy-plipsy on the spot... Colleen immdiately began crying like olive oil in the popeye cartoons... Godammit she is cute, thought Jars to himself...
mumble mumble roast for tea
opera introduced her next guest, Montel, who would be running some blood tests to find out who of actman, crowe, newton-john had the purest aryan-english genes... And whose genes were fraudulently inter-fused w. Irish gened...meantime jackarse-man clarified his politics...
'look, opera, do i go to the beijing olympics and tell those slaphead gooks how to run their show? Non anglos r here as guests and r subjects or her most holy royal majesty the queen to make kebabs, keep accounts and so forth, all the brainular jobs r for the real aussies along w. The kmart jobs... This is our country.'
'that.s right,' affirmed kiddingman, 'alot of ppl will try to tell u that aust. Aborigines r autralian...theyre not, they.re from papua new guinea and need to b shot.'
'surely u understand opera, its a question of aryan supremacy, by giving token jobs to u and montel, we can keep the yellowman at bay, at least in america, right now 7% of americans r asian...can u imagine if that number were to grow? Pretty soon they would take over like theyre doing here in australia and america would never have another recession again and ur best friends would be half gook.'
'perish the thought lordy me,' said opera, 'now while we wait on montel we.re gonna have a quick update on that competition we started to give african american men who have spent more then 20 minutes with there baby-mommas after the first child new non-english sounding names, pls welcome francisco bellafontay! (cheers) francisco, how do u like ur new non-english
sounding name and r u still w. Ur baby momma? Five hours later?'
'i love the new name, so much hipper than richard clydesdale... With the baby momma im only still w. Her if i remain inert while she is in the same room... I dumped her three hours after she gave birth to our first child, who needs condoms? wassup rustling? (high fives rustling crowe) got any kiwis... He he he he'...
Mr. 8ellafontay sure had white teeth.
'look, opera, do i go to the beijing olympics and tell those slaphead gooks how to run their show? Non anglos r here as guests and r subjects or her most holy royal majesty the queen to make kebabs, keep accounts and so forth, all the brainular jobs r for the real aussies along w. The kmart jobs... This is our country.'
'that.s right,' affirmed kiddingman, 'alot of ppl will try to tell u that aust. Aborigines r autralian...theyre not, they.re from papua new guinea and need to b shot.'
'surely u understand opera, its a question of aryan supremacy, by giving token jobs to u and montel, we can keep the yellowman at bay, at least in america, right now 7% of americans r asian...can u imagine if that number were to grow? Pretty soon they would take over like theyre doing here in australia and america would never have another recession again and ur best friends would be half gook.'
'perish the thought lordy me,' said opera, 'now while we wait on montel we.re gonna have a quick update on that competition we started to give african american men who have spent more then 20 minutes with there baby-mommas after the first child new non-english sounding names, pls welcome francisco bellafontay! (cheers) francisco, how do u like ur new non-english
sounding name and r u still w. Ur baby momma? Five hours later?'
'i love the new name, so much hipper than richard clydesdale... With the baby momma im only still w. Her if i remain inert while she is in the same room... I dumped her three hours after she gave birth to our first child, who needs condoms? wassup rustling? (high fives rustling crowe) got any kiwis... He he he he'...
Mr. 8ellafontay sure had white teeth.
mumble mumble yo mama next part, aight?
Another devout Catholic, Sean Hannity from Fox News channel approached his crucifix God altar to say his nightly prayers:
"God, six - six - six, that is all, amen," Mr Hannity was about to get of his kneeling knees when he returned to the prayer position, "oh and God, I almost forgot, thank you for making Jesus suffer terribly in this moment of his existence that I will forever cherish: the cruxifixion. God, if it pleases you, I have a favor to ask: please make President Obama and his family suffer the same pain, or less pain but die in a car accident anyway, or something like that, please do away with your annointed one like this God, thank you, six six six, oh and please make O'Reilly suffer too; that is all, thank you. Six six six."
So prayed Hannity before accosting for sleep.
"God, six - six - six, that is all, amen," Mr Hannity was about to get of his kneeling knees when he returned to the prayer position, "oh and God, I almost forgot, thank you for making Jesus suffer terribly in this moment of his existence that I will forever cherish: the cruxifixion. God, if it pleases you, I have a favor to ask: please make President Obama and his family suffer the same pain, or less pain but die in a car accident anyway, or something like that, please do away with your annointed one like this God, thank you, six six six, oh and please make O'Reilly suffer too; that is all, thank you. Six six six."
So prayed Hannity before accosting for sleep.
mumble mumble some mo. Main
lifetime wop achievement award winners penelope cruz and javier bardem sat at a bar and discussed how could make the world more catholic...
'if only we could chop the peoples testicles if they do not likink becomink catolicos, yais, javier?' said penelope.
'yais,' responded javier, 'i daresay it would make a wonderful new kind of tapa for the people of lepe.'
'yais,' responded penny.
'if only we could chop the peoples testicles if they do not likink becomink catolicos, yais, javier?' said penelope.
'yais,' responded javier, 'i daresay it would make a wonderful new kind of tapa for the people of lepe.'
'yais,' responded penny.
mumble mumble some mo...
Rustling Crowe futilely struggled some more in his pigeon english... Ron howard wasnt around to tell him to speak clearly... Then Opera candidly admitted,
'you know, i am white america.s way of saying 'im proud to be a shit eating cock whore'... Hell by elevating me so high... White america can look any shit eating cock whore african american sleeping on a cardboard box in the eye and say: 'eat shit cock-whore! And dont call me racist coz i love opera.'
8ingle Ingram returned home from her wedding carrying mr. Bingle the short amazonian chieftain on her shoulder... She knew he wouldnt b able to carry her over the threshold...too small...anyway he was drunk and out cold...she fumbled open a large furniture drawer with her foot and neatly shrugged him off and into the large furniture drawer where mr. Bingle would spend the night...she generously poured some of the wine she held in a bottle over him...finished the bottle herself in a hearty gulp and kicked the door shut and got some shut eye herself in a big extravagent bed...
'you know, i am white america.s way of saying 'im proud to be a shit eating cock whore'... Hell by elevating me so high... White america can look any shit eating cock whore african american sleeping on a cardboard box in the eye and say: 'eat shit cock-whore! And dont call me racist coz i love opera.'
8ingle Ingram returned home from her wedding carrying mr. Bingle the short amazonian chieftain on her shoulder... She knew he wouldnt b able to carry her over the threshold...too small...anyway he was drunk and out cold...she fumbled open a large furniture drawer with her foot and neatly shrugged him off and into the large furniture drawer where mr. Bingle would spend the night...she generously poured some of the wine she held in a bottle over him...finished the bottle herself in a hearty gulp and kicked the door shut and got some shut eye herself in a big extravagent bed...
mumble mumble some mo.
huge actman was first to answer,
'look Opera, we.re the majority here and if we let some greaseball wops make kebabs for us and drive our taxis, it doesn.t mean we have to put them in our tv shows? Does it? Crikey, what would queen victoria say?'
'white power!' responded Opera... dave chappelle would b proud.
Kiddingman, nicole, continued:
'frankly i was shocked when i saw stan grant on CNN, i thought we had shot his kind once and for all, if its not a coon messing things up its a moslem... Sure i benefit in an apartheid society, but this about me and my bling and my fame...fuck america and fuck all the dago, anglo whatever losers out there! R u gonna sell all ur assets and give them to the poor in south africa opera?'
'fuck no!' responded opera.
'i just want a flamin' bi'' (sic: beer) said rustling crowe.
'look Opera, we.re the majority here and if we let some greaseball wops make kebabs for us and drive our taxis, it doesn.t mean we have to put them in our tv shows? Does it? Crikey, what would queen victoria say?'
'white power!' responded Opera... dave chappelle would b proud.
Kiddingman, nicole, continued:
'frankly i was shocked when i saw stan grant on CNN, i thought we had shot his kind once and for all, if its not a coon messing things up its a moslem... Sure i benefit in an apartheid society, but this about me and my bling and my fame...fuck america and fuck all the dago, anglo whatever losers out there! R u gonna sell all ur assets and give them to the poor in south africa opera?'
'fuck no!' responded opera.
'i just want a flamin' bi'' (sic: beer) said rustling crowe.
mumble mumble some mo.
in a ridiculous twist of fate, Oprah Humphrey travels to British stronghold Auckland, NZ to champion apartheid,
'yo when i saw that famous funny black guy Dave Chappelle, do that blind, black, KKK skit... I knew i wanted to do something like that... So I.m kicking it with some famous English dudes that come from a long tradition of pretending they.re not English... Hell ppl in my country all have English names anyway...ridiculous! So tell me how ur race got their wagons into a tight enough circle to exclude all non.meSmbers of ur race in ur society from competing against u?
'yo when i saw that famous funny black guy Dave Chappelle, do that blind, black, KKK skit... I knew i wanted to do something like that... So I.m kicking it with some famous English dudes that come from a long tradition of pretending they.re not English... Hell ppl in my country all have English names anyway...ridiculous! So tell me how ur race got their wagons into a tight enough circle to exclude all non.meSmbers of ur race in ur society from competing against u?
Monday, December 13, 2010
mumble mumble yo mama part vii
(Bingle) Ingram and the Amazonian pygmie (sized*) [*author's note: the author does not wish to be defamatory to the famous African pygmie tribes by using their proper name as a generalized adjective for short height-ed-ness] chieftain... escaped the Law after shooting their way through many policemen and escaping thru an air-con duct into an adjoining building and from there perilously jumping from buildings to buildings while intensely dramatic music played in the man-as-laughingstock-common-culture of the time........ their violent murders, whilst unpunished in this lifetime, would bring about an entire lifetime spent in a harsh society in a future lifetime..... nevertheless, (Bingle) Ingram went on with her television/journalistic career, it was a little surreal looking law-enforcement officers like FBI agents in the face during live-interviewers knowing she had killed so many policemen, she had even covered the murders a little covering for some Geraldo employee that was sick (or said they were sick for the sake of a resty-poos)....
her romance with the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain continued, and, just as she had vowed to herself, she helped him change, so that he no-longer wanted to be violent bloody-thirsty and primitive killer..... 'education and nurture is everything,' said (Bingle) Ingram to herself.....
soon the time to mate had come and the two discussed what kind of specimen of humanity the two would like to breed, for the greater glory of God and mankind......
'Well, being that I am South American (from the Amazons) and you are North American, from the sweeping plains east of the great lakes, our boy, for a girl we must surely slaughter upon birth, our boy will certainly be an American,' said the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
'Well that is wonderful because I always shunned the notion of being only one of four wives to a Saudi Sultan and raising my offspring in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia,' said Ingram.
'Well, we needn't worry about that... now, what kind of child should we rear?' asked the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
'He should be strong in mind and body, his mind should be carefully trained but at the same time he should not be a sissy-boy, so we will make him do manly things like wrestling of football,' said Ingram.
'Soccer?' asked the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain wistfully.
'Maybe a little fuBbol too,' said Ingram in the German style.
'What do you mean by, not a wimp?' asked the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
'Well just that he shouldn't be a flaming homo pansy I guess, I mean if we raise him here in America, we'll just blame all the little countries like Afghanistan and Iraq for being girly while we buddy up with our allies in Europe, the Brits,' said Ingram.
'So by having proxy wars with small and defenceless Nations like Iraq and Vietnam, you can externalize all of your issues and just blame some other Nation for everything, thus preventing yourselves as a Nation perceiving yourself as weak or cowardly?' asked the ever-cleverer Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
'Exactly, that's exactly right! But if you go to the extreme of verbalizing that, then you're a horrible liberal,' explained Ingram.
'I see, I see,' said the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
her romance with the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain continued, and, just as she had vowed to herself, she helped him change, so that he no-longer wanted to be violent bloody-thirsty and primitive killer..... 'education and nurture is everything,' said (Bingle) Ingram to herself.....
soon the time to mate had come and the two discussed what kind of specimen of humanity the two would like to breed, for the greater glory of God and mankind......
'Well, being that I am South American (from the Amazons) and you are North American, from the sweeping plains east of the great lakes, our boy, for a girl we must surely slaughter upon birth, our boy will certainly be an American,' said the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
'Well that is wonderful because I always shunned the notion of being only one of four wives to a Saudi Sultan and raising my offspring in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia,' said Ingram.
'Well, we needn't worry about that... now, what kind of child should we rear?' asked the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
'He should be strong in mind and body, his mind should be carefully trained but at the same time he should not be a sissy-boy, so we will make him do manly things like wrestling of football,' said Ingram.
'Soccer?' asked the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain wistfully.
'Maybe a little fuBbol too,' said Ingram in the German style.
'What do you mean by, not a wimp?' asked the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
'Well just that he shouldn't be a flaming homo pansy I guess, I mean if we raise him here in America, we'll just blame all the little countries like Afghanistan and Iraq for being girly while we buddy up with our allies in Europe, the Brits,' said Ingram.
'So by having proxy wars with small and defenceless Nations like Iraq and Vietnam, you can externalize all of your issues and just blame some other Nation for everything, thus preventing yourselves as a Nation perceiving yourself as weak or cowardly?' asked the ever-cleverer Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
'Exactly, that's exactly right! But if you go to the extreme of verbalizing that, then you're a horrible liberal,' explained Ingram.
'I see, I see,' said the Amazonian (pygmie-sized) village chieftain.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
mumble mumble yo mama part vi
Between the 1st and 2nd rounds, Beethoven took a phone call on his cell phone... the fight was in Tunisia, but the call was from somewhere in the Western hemisphere.... it was Leticia, the woman that had taken off her helmet to answer Beethoven's question about the 5th and 6th symphonies....
"Mr Beethoven sir, it's Leticia-rello, you said like the 6th symphony was way chilled out and mellow, and that it was the 5th that was all psycho and 'iolent.... aight, but we got to the 3rd movement of the 6th and it's crazy intense...."
"But it's not out of control," said Beethoven.
"No sir, it's not... but it's building up to something... and then we come to the 4th movement of the 6th sir... this is nothing like the calm after the storm, the peace after the harvest .... this is the storm -- " Leticia-rello was interrupted at this point by Beethoven who said,
"you are quite right, keep practicing, I will come as soon as possible."
"Mr Beethoven sir, it's Leticia-rello, you said like the 6th symphony was way chilled out and mellow, and that it was the 5th that was all psycho and 'iolent.... aight, but we got to the 3rd movement of the 6th and it's crazy intense...."
"But it's not out of control," said Beethoven.
"No sir, it's not... but it's building up to something... and then we come to the 4th movement of the 6th sir... this is nothing like the calm after the storm, the peace after the harvest .... this is the storm -- " Leticia-rello was interrupted at this point by Beethoven who said,
"you are quite right, keep practicing, I will come as soon as possible."
mumble mumble yo mama part v
continuing from the previous blog series... Beethoven's first boxing bout came about....
it couldn't have been a better instance to showcase contemporary rock ensemble, 'Good Charlotte'-s music...
the first round came and went and revealed no obvious winner by KO or TKO.
it couldn't have been a better instance to showcase contemporary rock ensemble, 'Good Charlotte'-s music...
the first round came and went and revealed no obvious winner by KO or TKO.
mumble mumble yo mama part iv
While still courting, and before marrying, (Bingle) Ingram and the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain rode across one of the grand bridges that connected Manhattan to the other main boroughs Brooklyn and Queens... they rode towards Alphabet City in Manhattan in (Bingle) Ingram's car... the Amazonian drove (for one of the first times in his life)... Ingram was all smiles the whole way through -- very happy.
"Do you like Lit?" asked (Bingle) Ingram while she fumbled with a CD.
"That's French for bed," responded the now-becoming-urbane Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain, "do I like bed?" asked the even-tempered Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain.
"No, I meant the band from California, listen..." and some Lit music played moderately over the car stereo system.
"Is that how many hectares of rain-forest you have left in your city?" asked the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain pointing at a sign that indicated '95'.
"No," said (Bingle) Ingram, "that's the temperature, it's 95 degrees."
"Oh, that's hot," responded the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain.
"Yeah, it's a bit un-seasonable," admitted (Bingle) Ingram happily and even-temperedly, "but it's still snowing not far from here."
"World's going crazy," observed the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain.
Upon arriving in Alphabet City, the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain popped the trunk and removed a 12-gauge pump-action shotgun and gave it a pump by extending his arm and kind-of shaking it up and down.
(Bingle) Ingram marveled at the size of the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain's firearm, it was almost bigger than he was, remembering that he stood at approximately 1 metre in stature (or 1 yard with 4 or 5 inches)... he was so short, as compared to (Bingle) Ingram, that when the two kissed, (Bingle) Ingram had no other option but to have him stand on a convenient step perching him up higher or just to lift him up and hold him in her arms while she kissed him.... anyhoo, we were talking before about how in the so-called 'West' the genre of serial-killer movies depicting irresponsible, numb kind of types who enjoy killing amongst society at large for pleasure.... this kind of decadence was decried in Billy Joel's anthem 'We didn't start the fire,'.... as stated, serial killer gratuitous violence mentality was the bees-knees, this hip Hollywood thing...
as previously stated, perhaps the Chinese in Communist China were right to shield their children from the de-habilitating effects of the constant barrage of sex and violence in popular-culture (sometimes) masquerading as an attempt at mastery, instead plumbing political dissidents (or innocent by-passers) for their organs while they scream on the operating table, their knuckles turning white as their organs are removed while they still live a few more gasps under the Death Penalty (China's being higher than the rest of the world combined) long enough to provide even fresher body organs for the world's largest illegal-donor-organ program in the world....
is violence in cinema then, with Leonardo de Caprio shooting up his high school, and Micky and Mallory going sick on everyone, and Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz shooting everyone up from a motorcycle, is this staple of the cinema, gratuitous violence any good? or is it all a load of horrible useless hogwash?
regardless of what the answer may be, the scene that followed after the Amazonian pygmie-man drew his shotgun from the rear of the vehicle was fit for consumption from generations of Supermen many millenia hence from now, when they cared to wonder about the cultural life of their ape-like ancestors, today's man....
a police-officer approached the Amazonian pygmie-man and asked for a license for the shotgun, this set of a series of events that played out very quickly -- but various times in the scene -- in slow motion:
the Amazonian pygmie-man quickly shot the officer in the stomach, his guts flying into the wall behind him like a Jackson Pollack painting... a stray bullet whizzed by from the now dying policeman's partner and set off (Bingle) Ingram's car-stereo setting off another Lit song that played esthetically thru the rest of the scene.... (Bingle) Ingram, who didn't know her little man was already a murderer, went into shock and even surprised herself by following some intangible and mad love instinct, surprised herself by drawing an arm and shooting the 2nd police officer some 20 yards away..... next came more officers, the Amazonian pygmie-man was an expert knife thrower and took out a few more officers with knives that he pulled out of nowhere and even lobbed off a grenade or two....
"Let's get to the issues!!!" cried a blood-smeared Ingram as she tied a bandanna around her bleeding head and pulled another shotgun from the trunk of the car and nodded at a brigade of swat troops quickly blocking off the street and stealthily approaching them from either end of the Alphabet City street.....
"Do you like Lit?" asked (Bingle) Ingram while she fumbled with a CD.
"That's French for bed," responded the now-becoming-urbane Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain, "do I like bed?" asked the even-tempered Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain.
"No, I meant the band from California, listen..." and some Lit music played moderately over the car stereo system.
"Is that how many hectares of rain-forest you have left in your city?" asked the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain pointing at a sign that indicated '95'.
"No," said (Bingle) Ingram, "that's the temperature, it's 95 degrees."
"Oh, that's hot," responded the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain.
"Yeah, it's a bit un-seasonable," admitted (Bingle) Ingram happily and even-temperedly, "but it's still snowing not far from here."
"World's going crazy," observed the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain.
Upon arriving in Alphabet City, the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain popped the trunk and removed a 12-gauge pump-action shotgun and gave it a pump by extending his arm and kind-of shaking it up and down.
(Bingle) Ingram marveled at the size of the Amazonian (pygmie) village-chieftain's firearm, it was almost bigger than he was, remembering that he stood at approximately 1 metre in stature (or 1 yard with 4 or 5 inches)... he was so short, as compared to (Bingle) Ingram, that when the two kissed, (Bingle) Ingram had no other option but to have him stand on a convenient step perching him up higher or just to lift him up and hold him in her arms while she kissed him.... anyhoo, we were talking before about how in the so-called 'West' the genre of serial-killer movies depicting irresponsible, numb kind of types who enjoy killing amongst society at large for pleasure.... this kind of decadence was decried in Billy Joel's anthem 'We didn't start the fire,'.... as stated, serial killer gratuitous violence mentality was the bees-knees, this hip Hollywood thing...
as previously stated, perhaps the Chinese in Communist China were right to shield their children from the de-habilitating effects of the constant barrage of sex and violence in popular-culture (sometimes) masquerading as an attempt at mastery, instead plumbing political dissidents (or innocent by-passers) for their organs while they scream on the operating table, their knuckles turning white as their organs are removed while they still live a few more gasps under the Death Penalty (China's being higher than the rest of the world combined) long enough to provide even fresher body organs for the world's largest illegal-donor-organ program in the world....
is violence in cinema then, with Leonardo de Caprio shooting up his high school, and Micky and Mallory going sick on everyone, and Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz shooting everyone up from a motorcycle, is this staple of the cinema, gratuitous violence any good? or is it all a load of horrible useless hogwash?
regardless of what the answer may be, the scene that followed after the Amazonian pygmie-man drew his shotgun from the rear of the vehicle was fit for consumption from generations of Supermen many millenia hence from now, when they cared to wonder about the cultural life of their ape-like ancestors, today's man....
a police-officer approached the Amazonian pygmie-man and asked for a license for the shotgun, this set of a series of events that played out very quickly -- but various times in the scene -- in slow motion:
the Amazonian pygmie-man quickly shot the officer in the stomach, his guts flying into the wall behind him like a Jackson Pollack painting... a stray bullet whizzed by from the now dying policeman's partner and set off (Bingle) Ingram's car-stereo setting off another Lit song that played esthetically thru the rest of the scene.... (Bingle) Ingram, who didn't know her little man was already a murderer, went into shock and even surprised herself by following some intangible and mad love instinct, surprised herself by drawing an arm and shooting the 2nd police officer some 20 yards away..... next came more officers, the Amazonian pygmie-man was an expert knife thrower and took out a few more officers with knives that he pulled out of nowhere and even lobbed off a grenade or two....
"Let's get to the issues!!!" cried a blood-smeared Ingram as she tied a bandanna around her bleeding head and pulled another shotgun from the trunk of the car and nodded at a brigade of swat troops quickly blocking off the street and stealthily approaching them from either end of the Alphabet City street.....
mumble mumble yo mama part iii
Ingram and the village chieftain fell in love... Ingram had him fly to NY with her...
"To hell with his immigration status, mama!" said Ingram over the phone to her mama... "we'll get married and he'll be fine... half of New york city is in the country illegally, who else is going to wash our dishes?"
* * *
It is no surprise that Western audiences, American, Western European, South Korean, Japanese, in short, anything we think of as Western, probably including Russia too, is prone to watching movies with ridiculous and moronic amounts of violence.... often morbidly glorifying violence to the extent of dedicating hours and hours of real time and television to TV shows about violence and violence related matter... any thinking person can see that this is a laughing-stock and an unflattering representation of weakness and brute-being amongst those races that prefer this kind of culture. Yet others would argue that sterile-ly watching violence and sex on television, without actually partaking in them, was more advanced than societies with greater real violence that might have less violence on TV (as is the case in communist China and parts of Africa).
Yet others would argue that morbid fascination with violence in the 'arts' was par-for-the-course for non-vegetarians as it was a manifestation of their already existent stasis of blood-lust and murder (of animals for satiety of the tongue and stomach)....
Ingram was not a vegetarian, and the village chieftain, as we already know, was a practiced killer who killed as a natural manifestation of his own culture, many generations old, for the sake of ritual sacrifice to the Gods.
This is the story of Ingram and the village chieftain's love affair and eventual decay into cold-hearted, bloodthirsty serial killers...
(insert striking Law and Order double-note sounds here.)
"To hell with his immigration status, mama!" said Ingram over the phone to her mama... "we'll get married and he'll be fine... half of New york city is in the country illegally, who else is going to wash our dishes?"
* * *
It is no surprise that Western audiences, American, Western European, South Korean, Japanese, in short, anything we think of as Western, probably including Russia too, is prone to watching movies with ridiculous and moronic amounts of violence.... often morbidly glorifying violence to the extent of dedicating hours and hours of real time and television to TV shows about violence and violence related matter... any thinking person can see that this is a laughing-stock and an unflattering representation of weakness and brute-being amongst those races that prefer this kind of culture. Yet others would argue that sterile-ly watching violence and sex on television, without actually partaking in them, was more advanced than societies with greater real violence that might have less violence on TV (as is the case in communist China and parts of Africa).
Yet others would argue that morbid fascination with violence in the 'arts' was par-for-the-course for non-vegetarians as it was a manifestation of their already existent stasis of blood-lust and murder (of animals for satiety of the tongue and stomach)....
Ingram was not a vegetarian, and the village chieftain, as we already know, was a practiced killer who killed as a natural manifestation of his own culture, many generations old, for the sake of ritual sacrifice to the Gods.
This is the story of Ingram and the village chieftain's love affair and eventual decay into cold-hearted, bloodthirsty serial killers...
(insert striking Law and Order double-note sounds here.)
mumble mumble yo mama part ii
After the sacrifical ceremony, Laura 'Bingle' Ingram, Fox News stalwart who never ever kow-towed to anyone and who dutifully paid all of her taxes, who never took drugs or broke and enter to steal to support a crack cocaine habit, graciously thanked her hosts for the funny show... the village chieftain, who, like the rest of the village, stood at approx. 1 metre in height, so one yard and approx. 5 inches..... gave her a ceremonial hula hoop and stood on a pedestal next to her at a podium -- while standing on the pedestal the two appeared to be of similar height...
"Well," said 'Bingle' Ingram, "I am so delited, this is soooo much fun! What have you put in that coconut milk??" She said, and laughed.... "I cannot believe you have gone to all this effort for me, and the show was so AUTHENTIC, fancy pretending to sacrificially kill someone for little old me!?" and so saying, she flashed her pearly whites some more and took another sip from her Hawaii-an looking coconut cup.
"Errr... yes, ahem," mumbled the village chieftain, "authentic, pretend, he he he he..." and so saying he quickly motioned a surrepticious slit across the throat with his finger out of 'Bingle'-Ingram's eye-shot to some workers who were about to cut open the sacrificial slain body which Ingram believed was not literally just slayed before her eyes. Seeing the village chieftain's slitting motion, the workers stopped on the verge of quartering the dead body and letting the blood flow for the wild birds to devour.
"Errr..... yes, just a pretend authentic show to please you..." and having said this, he became immensely starstruck and immediately fell to grovelling before Ingram as did the rest of the village.....
"Ooomi koomi ba hoomi!!!" the entire village chanted hypnotically and repetitively in unison. This, in their own language basically meant: "oh great blonde with a mind of her own that refuses to kow-tow to any person."
Bingle loved it but was anxious to return home after a great fun-themed trip --- what a hoot and a holler, she thought to herself, had O'Reilly set this up for her?
On returning to the helicopter that would take her to a private jet to return to North America, Ingram and the village chieftain walked and talked, and as they lingered talking, as the helicopter rotor slowly churned into motion, whipping the two's hair as the sun set at that exact point every evening that filmmakers think of as the very best time to film exteriors. Some romantic magic must have been in the air as the two, despite differing some two and a half feet in height smiled warmly at eachother and prolonged their conversation so long that finally the village chieftain agreed to mount the helicopter and ride off with Ingram.
"Well," said 'Bingle' Ingram, "I am so delited, this is soooo much fun! What have you put in that coconut milk??" She said, and laughed.... "I cannot believe you have gone to all this effort for me, and the show was so AUTHENTIC, fancy pretending to sacrificially kill someone for little old me!?" and so saying, she flashed her pearly whites some more and took another sip from her Hawaii-an looking coconut cup.
"Errr... yes, ahem," mumbled the village chieftain, "authentic, pretend, he he he he..." and so saying he quickly motioned a surrepticious slit across the throat with his finger out of 'Bingle'-Ingram's eye-shot to some workers who were about to cut open the sacrificial slain body which Ingram believed was not literally just slayed before her eyes. Seeing the village chieftain's slitting motion, the workers stopped on the verge of quartering the dead body and letting the blood flow for the wild birds to devour.
"Errr..... yes, just a pretend authentic show to please you..." and having said this, he became immensely starstruck and immediately fell to grovelling before Ingram as did the rest of the village.....
"Ooomi koomi ba hoomi!!!" the entire village chanted hypnotically and repetitively in unison. This, in their own language basically meant: "oh great blonde with a mind of her own that refuses to kow-tow to any person."
Bingle loved it but was anxious to return home after a great fun-themed trip --- what a hoot and a holler, she thought to herself, had O'Reilly set this up for her?
On returning to the helicopter that would take her to a private jet to return to North America, Ingram and the village chieftain walked and talked, and as they lingered talking, as the helicopter rotor slowly churned into motion, whipping the two's hair as the sun set at that exact point every evening that filmmakers think of as the very best time to film exteriors. Some romantic magic must have been in the air as the two, despite differing some two and a half feet in height smiled warmly at eachother and prolonged their conversation so long that finally the village chieftain agreed to mount the helicopter and ride off with Ingram.
Friday, December 10, 2010
mumble mumble yo mama
stalwart Laura Ingram from Fox News was worshipped by a small tribe of pygmies in the Amazon rainforest that led a primitive existence...every year they trapped a .big person. From the nearest town many days trek hither else they kidnapped some such scientist in the jungle visiting from somewhere more developed..every year, during Festivus, the village celebrated the harvest and made merry...the culmination was the sacrificial slaying of the shit.eating cock whores to the great white god Laura Ingram...one year she was invited to attend..and accepted...
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 160
Northern Virginia, The Pentagon, 1968...
"Did you finish those reports?"
"That I have, sir, we are gonna wipe out as many of those shit-eating cock-whores in south-east Asia as possible... goddam commie gooks! --- first we'll rub as many off the map as possible in Vietnam, and when we're done with that, we'll take on Laos and Cambodia.... to hell with what the public thinks, if they don't like it, we'll bomb them in secret, even if ground operations end..."
"Goddam, love-fest idiot youth public," growled one General to the other.
"Goddam hippie-fest of punk middle-class University students."
"Did you hear what Admiral Morrison's son said?"
Admiral Morrison's son was the famous 60s rocker, Bill Morrison, who also hosted a TV show featuring a no-spin zone.
"I heard he's said a lot of smut and he's a real embarrassment to his father," one of the General's commented.
"That's true, my niece was at one of his recent concerts in Chicago and she said he said he's sick of being a freaky musician and that he wants to be fucking Napoleon and to hell with that shitty war we've got going on over there, he wants a bigger war with lots of explosions and bombs and stuff."
"Goddam shit-eating cock-whore."
* * *
Glenn Beck-Manzarek and Bill Morrison prepared to play another gig with their drummer and guitarist, the show would go on soon, Bill Morrison slipped his unwashed leather pants which already had a belt attached after getting out of bed at 4pm after having just awoken -- he lay with some girl he'd met for the first time the day before that was meant to help him handle his great wealth. He threw on a shirt and made for the nearest bottle of wine, lit up a cigarrette, his throat hurt. There were no mobile phones, it was 1968, no internet. There was a big helicopter war going on in Vietnam. I am so the patriot and so not the pinhead, thought Bill Morrison to himself as he recalled how the troops in Vietnam dug his music like crazy, him and Jimi Hendrix. Knock, knock on the door, it was Glenn-Beck Manzarek, time to smoke some weed with him and ride out to the stadium.
In the car Glenn-Beck Manzarek, the Doors keyboardist said to Bill Morisson,
"I heard your mother is going to be at tonite's concert, and your brother and sister too; I heard your brother and sister really like some of our songs."
"I have no mother," replied Bill Morison to Glenn-Beck Manzarek.
"Did you finish those reports?"
"That I have, sir, we are gonna wipe out as many of those shit-eating cock-whores in south-east Asia as possible... goddam commie gooks! --- first we'll rub as many off the map as possible in Vietnam, and when we're done with that, we'll take on Laos and Cambodia.... to hell with what the public thinks, if they don't like it, we'll bomb them in secret, even if ground operations end..."
"Goddam, love-fest idiot youth public," growled one General to the other.
"Goddam hippie-fest of punk middle-class University students."
"Did you hear what Admiral Morrison's son said?"
Admiral Morrison's son was the famous 60s rocker, Bill Morrison, who also hosted a TV show featuring a no-spin zone.
"I heard he's said a lot of smut and he's a real embarrassment to his father," one of the General's commented.
"That's true, my niece was at one of his recent concerts in Chicago and she said he said he's sick of being a freaky musician and that he wants to be fucking Napoleon and to hell with that shitty war we've got going on over there, he wants a bigger war with lots of explosions and bombs and stuff."
"Goddam shit-eating cock-whore."
* * *
Glenn Beck-Manzarek and Bill Morrison prepared to play another gig with their drummer and guitarist, the show would go on soon, Bill Morrison slipped his unwashed leather pants which already had a belt attached after getting out of bed at 4pm after having just awoken -- he lay with some girl he'd met for the first time the day before that was meant to help him handle his great wealth. He threw on a shirt and made for the nearest bottle of wine, lit up a cigarrette, his throat hurt. There were no mobile phones, it was 1968, no internet. There was a big helicopter war going on in Vietnam. I am so the patriot and so not the pinhead, thought Bill Morrison to himself as he recalled how the troops in Vietnam dug his music like crazy, him and Jimi Hendrix. Knock, knock on the door, it was Glenn-Beck Manzarek, time to smoke some weed with him and ride out to the stadium.
In the car Glenn-Beck Manzarek, the Doors keyboardist said to Bill Morisson,
"I heard your mother is going to be at tonite's concert, and your brother and sister too; I heard your brother and sister really like some of our songs."
"I have no mother," replied Bill Morison to Glenn-Beck Manzarek.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 159
On Fox News, the spirited Glenn Beck was doing some wargaming and crystal-ball gazing and the usual navel-gazing... finally he presented the following scary conondrum to his audience:
"Homeys," he said imitating Marge Simpson, "what are we gonna do in 20 years time when the EU is dictating to us how much gas we can have? Picture this..."
Then Glenn Beck's show played a tape they made of an American President, 20 years hence, making an important national speech from the oval office,
"...my fellow Americans," said the President of USA in 2030, "as you know, due to recent events in the European Union, it has no longer become feasible for us to prevent M&M's from melting in our hands, therefore, effective immediately, all American taxpayers, regardless of the citizenship status, will receive the following small pack in the mail," at this point the 2030 President ripped open a transparent plastic bagging featuring a styrofoam plate with a map of America on it and a plastic spoon, "those Americans running short on food are advized to crap on their plates, and then pig out, bon appetite!" said the President mimicking how one would eat crap from one's own plate.
Who said Glenn Beck wasn't a scare-monger?
"Homeys," he said imitating Marge Simpson, "what are we gonna do in 20 years time when the EU is dictating to us how much gas we can have? Picture this..."
Then Glenn Beck's show played a tape they made of an American President, 20 years hence, making an important national speech from the oval office,
"...my fellow Americans," said the President of USA in 2030, "as you know, due to recent events in the European Union, it has no longer become feasible for us to prevent M&M's from melting in our hands, therefore, effective immediately, all American taxpayers, regardless of the citizenship status, will receive the following small pack in the mail," at this point the 2030 President ripped open a transparent plastic bagging featuring a styrofoam plate with a map of America on it and a plastic spoon, "those Americans running short on food are advized to crap on their plates, and then pig out, bon appetite!" said the President mimicking how one would eat crap from one's own plate.
Who said Glenn Beck wasn't a scare-monger?
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 158
Pulitzer prize winning Colombia University Journalism Professor, Randolph Cockswain, stood before a group of Colombia University Journalism grad students on a quiet friday afternoon in NY and posed the following question:
"When is the principle of privacy in ploopsie violated?"
The principle of privacy in ploopsie stated that everyone had to do ploopsie and then wipe their bottoms and it was understood that when not warring, spying, trading and writing about eachother, etc, different species of man, all created equal, would have to do ploopsies (number 2s) and then clean up afterwards.
"Sir, despite the universal principle of privacy in ploopsie, which is such a widespread and highly desired human condition, that it has never even been enshrined in any public or important State document and among no-one is it common to wish to do ploopsie in public, with the exception of some toddlers in China, and some communal ploopsie pits in China and some Asian places where space is short," answered one smart student.
"Right!" agreed Professor Cockswain, "but after 9/11, this principle was broken, as law-enforcement became more and more interested in the private ploopsie life of citizens."
Next Professor Cockswain posted a picture of Parker (from South Park) squatting with a determined looking grimace on his face and under him lay Matt Stone with dishevelled hair and glasses and a, 'hey man, yo, what's up?' expression on his face, clearly visible, on Stone's chest was steaming dung, presumably from Parker's bared cheeks,
"Now tell me, do we NEED pictures like this on magazine covers because of 9/11? Should children walk into a premises to buy a newspaper for their fathers and see pictures like this?" Asked the professor.
"Sir, a number of legal issues are involved here..." went on the star student.
"When is the principle of privacy in ploopsie violated?"
The principle of privacy in ploopsie stated that everyone had to do ploopsie and then wipe their bottoms and it was understood that when not warring, spying, trading and writing about eachother, etc, different species of man, all created equal, would have to do ploopsies (number 2s) and then clean up afterwards.
"Sir, despite the universal principle of privacy in ploopsie, which is such a widespread and highly desired human condition, that it has never even been enshrined in any public or important State document and among no-one is it common to wish to do ploopsie in public, with the exception of some toddlers in China, and some communal ploopsie pits in China and some Asian places where space is short," answered one smart student.
"Right!" agreed Professor Cockswain, "but after 9/11, this principle was broken, as law-enforcement became more and more interested in the private ploopsie life of citizens."
Next Professor Cockswain posted a picture of Parker (from South Park) squatting with a determined looking grimace on his face and under him lay Matt Stone with dishevelled hair and glasses and a, 'hey man, yo, what's up?' expression on his face, clearly visible, on Stone's chest was steaming dung, presumably from Parker's bared cheeks,
"Now tell me, do we NEED pictures like this on magazine covers because of 9/11? Should children walk into a premises to buy a newspaper for their fathers and see pictures like this?" Asked the professor.
"Sir, a number of legal issues are involved here..." went on the star student.
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 157
CBS: 1130pm - Barbara Walters Xmas Special, "When did
you first realize you were a shit-eating
cock whore?"
Join Barbara for Xmas as she encounters
some of the * * * *
world's most important people and asks
them all the same scintillating question:
"When did you first realize you were a
shit-eating cock whore?"
you first realize you were a shit-eating
cock whore?"
Join Barbara for Xmas as she encounters
some of the * * * *
world's most important people and asks
them all the same scintillating question:
"When did you first realize you were a
shit-eating cock whore?"
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 156
At a party in Texas Town, some pa-Ruskinos summoned Beethoven to a toast:
"Beethoven, drink from this punchbowl, a toast, to boxing," said one Texas-towner Ruski and drew a crystal spoon from the large crystal punch-bowl and poured a cupful of punch into Beethoven's cup, "here's to your success in your coming bouts."
"About the a... bouts..." said Beethoven, "I know my first bout is coming very soon in Tunisia, but then, who shall i be fighting after that, I am sure I will win."
"After your first bout you will take on Jay Leno, then Cornjob O'Brien and then songstress Rhianna," announced Colonel Igor of Texas-Town (the secret KGB facility) near Moscow.
"Who are these Leno, O'Brien and Rhianna?" asked Beethoven.
"The first is an insolent, impudent jokester on American TV, impresindible in today's film-making world for showcasing movies to the American public, if you don't want to be working in Bollywood or Russia or some other market, you need to develop a relationship with Leno," explained Igor.
"What is his character?" asked Beethoven.
The answer came back, "loveable jokester arsehole, it is rumored upon being born into this Earth he laughed at his own mother because of the pain she endured in childbirth, nobody has stumbled in his vicinity without being laughed at, even if that fall was from a motorcycle and followed by a bus crushing said falling rider's helmet under its heavy wheels."
"Oh... ok," said Beethoven.
"He will be easy to beat, another fat blob like your first oponent tomorrow in Tunisia; then comes Cornjob O'Brien," went on Igor before the intent party of Texas-Towners drinking punch.
"Well what's he like?" asked Beethoven.
"He's a certified mentally ill crazy gay attention whore. He'll do anything for attention and ultimately adoration of the masses, including, most notably recently, propelling himself on the ground along on his fists while he dragged his inert legs behind him on the ground like a snail -- he actually left a trail along the ground doing this -- anything for attention... he's not at all fat and if he's in training he will be hard to beat, his trainer is Arnold Schwarzeneggar, but he does Arnold's voice himself... if you make it past him you'll be up against Rhianna, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
* * *
The next night in Tunisia, Beethoven's first opponent showed up dressed as Grimace (the big purple cone-shaped guy from the Ronald McDonald franchise), driving a brand-new slick black Porsche Boxster convertible. Creepily, Ronald McDonald was in his corner along with HamBurgler. Beethoven was dressed in normal trunks, not at all like an abstract purple-blob character. Beethoven's first opponent's face protruded through a circle in Grimace's facial area, other than that his body was hidden by purple blob, perhaps to hide his true body size.
The two squared off to face eachother before the bout to hit gloves and stare eachother down,
Beethoven said, "boy, they better run some hose from your arsehole to your mouth, coz you're about to eat like a ton 'a shit," and Beethoven spat and gave his dirtiest stare.
Contrarily, Beethoven's first opponent, perhaps trying to play it cool, merely said, "set a spell."
And the two returned to their stools... Grimace was attended to by Ronald McDonald, Beethoven by Apollo from the Rocky franchise.
"Beethoven, drink from this punchbowl, a toast, to boxing," said one Texas-towner Ruski and drew a crystal spoon from the large crystal punch-bowl and poured a cupful of punch into Beethoven's cup, "here's to your success in your coming bouts."
"About the a... bouts..." said Beethoven, "I know my first bout is coming very soon in Tunisia, but then, who shall i be fighting after that, I am sure I will win."
"After your first bout you will take on Jay Leno, then Cornjob O'Brien and then songstress Rhianna," announced Colonel Igor of Texas-Town (the secret KGB facility) near Moscow.
"Who are these Leno, O'Brien and Rhianna?" asked Beethoven.
"The first is an insolent, impudent jokester on American TV, impresindible in today's film-making world for showcasing movies to the American public, if you don't want to be working in Bollywood or Russia or some other market, you need to develop a relationship with Leno," explained Igor.
"What is his character?" asked Beethoven.
The answer came back, "loveable jokester arsehole, it is rumored upon being born into this Earth he laughed at his own mother because of the pain she endured in childbirth, nobody has stumbled in his vicinity without being laughed at, even if that fall was from a motorcycle and followed by a bus crushing said falling rider's helmet under its heavy wheels."
"Oh... ok," said Beethoven.
"He will be easy to beat, another fat blob like your first oponent tomorrow in Tunisia; then comes Cornjob O'Brien," went on Igor before the intent party of Texas-Towners drinking punch.
"Well what's he like?" asked Beethoven.
"He's a certified mentally ill crazy gay attention whore. He'll do anything for attention and ultimately adoration of the masses, including, most notably recently, propelling himself on the ground along on his fists while he dragged his inert legs behind him on the ground like a snail -- he actually left a trail along the ground doing this -- anything for attention... he's not at all fat and if he's in training he will be hard to beat, his trainer is Arnold Schwarzeneggar, but he does Arnold's voice himself... if you make it past him you'll be up against Rhianna, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
* * *
The next night in Tunisia, Beethoven's first opponent showed up dressed as Grimace (the big purple cone-shaped guy from the Ronald McDonald franchise), driving a brand-new slick black Porsche Boxster convertible. Creepily, Ronald McDonald was in his corner along with HamBurgler. Beethoven was dressed in normal trunks, not at all like an abstract purple-blob character. Beethoven's first opponent's face protruded through a circle in Grimace's facial area, other than that his body was hidden by purple blob, perhaps to hide his true body size.
The two squared off to face eachother before the bout to hit gloves and stare eachother down,
Beethoven said, "boy, they better run some hose from your arsehole to your mouth, coz you're about to eat like a ton 'a shit," and Beethoven spat and gave his dirtiest stare.
Contrarily, Beethoven's first opponent, perhaps trying to play it cool, merely said, "set a spell."
And the two returned to their stools... Grimace was attended to by Ronald McDonald, Beethoven by Apollo from the Rocky franchise.
Monday, December 6, 2010
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 155
at The Today Show where Matt Lauer and Al Roker were still uncles in a higher than rank five first family which had seen some divorces... the production staff held a meeting:
"Let's bash Iran in the following way," said one producer, "we'll have a whitey play dumb cop, and a non-whitey play smart cop; dumb cop will pretend Iran is the boogeyman and the truth is icky-poo and the smart cop will just give the facts."
"Reverse-racism bigotry," said another producer, "I love it."
Then the producers at the Today Show w/ Al Roker blew big bubbles with their bubble gum and and said 'ploopsie ploopsie ploopsie' and started twirling their hair and blew some more bubbles.
* * *
At Texas Town outside Moscow, some Ruski presented himself and gave all the Texas Town a rousing speech about how small Texas Town was nowadays and how big it was in its hey-day under Stalin and how Putin and Co. were interested in growing it again to fulfil new spying missions.
A quick montage scene followed with some rousing music depicting community team spirit as the Texan Town people rushed to renovate and paint the old un-used since Stalinist times parts of Texas Town and after the rousing song was done the long 2-month renovation job was done and everyone sat around drinking ginger beer.
Beethoven approached the pooped workers and made a speech, "that was great work, Colonel Igor here has told me about your new mission and how you intend to infiltrate oil companies around the world and various govt. department and gather information on potential energy sources being kept secret from the public, e.g., H2o hydrolisis... I just want you to know that I am gonna do the best I can to win my boxing matches."
No-one was listening to Beethoven anyway, and the Russians had wasted no time, a bunch of Texas-towners were busy running new classes for new inductees, and one group was held in a gym where everyone ran on treadmills and learnt the rules to American Football while running along with a bigscreen TV and a Russian-accented Ruski doing the explaining... all Texas-Town student spies had to talk with Texas accents when training.
"Let's bash Iran in the following way," said one producer, "we'll have a whitey play dumb cop, and a non-whitey play smart cop; dumb cop will pretend Iran is the boogeyman and the truth is icky-poo and the smart cop will just give the facts."
"Reverse-racism bigotry," said another producer, "I love it."
Then the producers at the Today Show w/ Al Roker blew big bubbles with their bubble gum and and said 'ploopsie ploopsie ploopsie' and started twirling their hair and blew some more bubbles.
* * *
At Texas Town outside Moscow, some Ruski presented himself and gave all the Texas Town a rousing speech about how small Texas Town was nowadays and how big it was in its hey-day under Stalin and how Putin and Co. were interested in growing it again to fulfil new spying missions.
A quick montage scene followed with some rousing music depicting community team spirit as the Texan Town people rushed to renovate and paint the old un-used since Stalinist times parts of Texas Town and after the rousing song was done the long 2-month renovation job was done and everyone sat around drinking ginger beer.
Beethoven approached the pooped workers and made a speech, "that was great work, Colonel Igor here has told me about your new mission and how you intend to infiltrate oil companies around the world and various govt. department and gather information on potential energy sources being kept secret from the public, e.g., H2o hydrolisis... I just want you to know that I am gonna do the best I can to win my boxing matches."
No-one was listening to Beethoven anyway, and the Russians had wasted no time, a bunch of Texas-towners were busy running new classes for new inductees, and one group was held in a gym where everyone ran on treadmills and learnt the rules to American Football while running along with a bigscreen TV and a Russian-accented Ruski doing the explaining... all Texas-Town student spies had to talk with Texas accents when training.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 154
In Culver City Los Angeles, not far from Hollywood, nearby Sony Studios, Mike Tyson, Lil Bow wow were on site at a gym to give Tarantino his boxing lessons.... any number of extras were attendant at the gym also... strangely, Mike Tyson more like the Mike Tyson from the Simpsons TV show and less like the real one...
"Quentin, look, see this bust on a poll?" asked Tyson and gave a punch with a gloved hand to a dummy on a stick that bounced back and forth a little, "we're gonna do some clinch work on it."
Lil bow wow stood by with his arms folded and wearing baggy seamless looking clothes.
"In boxing," went on Tyson, "a lot of it ends up in exhausted hitters that end up clinching each other and striking blows at close quarters... it is essential for a good boxer to know how to strike the midriff in these situations, not for points, but to hurt."
"Show him how you bite someone's ear off," said lil Bow Wow.
Tyson wasn't impressed but Bow wow was serious and even went up to the dummy and put some gum on it and stuck some candy to that... the mood in the room tensed, even the reporters from the LA Times hushed up... Tyson felt like Bow Wow was trying to resurrect some bad memories but saw he was for real and for some reason it seemed like a good idea...
"Ok, Quentin, you wanna see how to bite someone's ear off? Approach your opponent, grapple, get in the clinch position, we'll come back to punching the midriff for damage in the clinch, but look, get a few punches in anyway," said Tyson and landed some nice blows to the dummy's midriff... "now when you're at close quarters you can headbutt... or, heaven forbid, bite off the ear and spit it out," said Tyson and munched on some ear gum candy and spat some out on the floor.
"Why?" said Beethoven's next boxing opponent.
"Don't pussy out now!" said Lil bow wow! "Did Vincent van Gogh pussy out when he knew it was time to cut his own ear off? Did that dude in Reservoir Dogs pussy out when it was time to cut the policeman guy's ear off? Double-U Tee - Eff man! Double-U Tee - Eff! [WTF]"
"Do you really think it's appropriate for him to bite a dog's ear off?" asked Tyson in his effeminate Simpson's voice. (Maybe he was thinking Tarantino would be matched up against a Saint Bernard from an 80s movie.)
Then some montage scene started up, a 250 pound (fat) Tarantino struck up some fancy footwork, back and forth and struck the dummy some good blows before getting into a clinch... a slow motion scene ensued (continuity got it wrong becoz there was a brand new fresh gummy ear on the dummy despite Tyson having bit and spat it off already)... finally Tarantino did a Tyson and bit the ear off and spat it out on the floor." As this happened, emotionally charged music played and it was a highly emotionally charged moment and many of the extras and the LA Times reporters, etc, wept openly and everyone hugged afterwards.
Even Tyson was weeping, "that was really beautiful," he said.
"Quentin, look, see this bust on a poll?" asked Tyson and gave a punch with a gloved hand to a dummy on a stick that bounced back and forth a little, "we're gonna do some clinch work on it."
Lil bow wow stood by with his arms folded and wearing baggy seamless looking clothes.
"In boxing," went on Tyson, "a lot of it ends up in exhausted hitters that end up clinching each other and striking blows at close quarters... it is essential for a good boxer to know how to strike the midriff in these situations, not for points, but to hurt."
"Show him how you bite someone's ear off," said lil Bow Wow.
Tyson wasn't impressed but Bow wow was serious and even went up to the dummy and put some gum on it and stuck some candy to that... the mood in the room tensed, even the reporters from the LA Times hushed up... Tyson felt like Bow Wow was trying to resurrect some bad memories but saw he was for real and for some reason it seemed like a good idea...
"Ok, Quentin, you wanna see how to bite someone's ear off? Approach your opponent, grapple, get in the clinch position, we'll come back to punching the midriff for damage in the clinch, but look, get a few punches in anyway," said Tyson and landed some nice blows to the dummy's midriff... "now when you're at close quarters you can headbutt... or, heaven forbid, bite off the ear and spit it out," said Tyson and munched on some ear gum candy and spat some out on the floor.
"Why?" said Beethoven's next boxing opponent.
"Don't pussy out now!" said Lil bow wow! "Did Vincent van Gogh pussy out when he knew it was time to cut his own ear off? Did that dude in Reservoir Dogs pussy out when it was time to cut the policeman guy's ear off? Double-U Tee - Eff man! Double-U Tee - Eff! [WTF]"
"Do you really think it's appropriate for him to bite a dog's ear off?" asked Tyson in his effeminate Simpson's voice. (Maybe he was thinking Tarantino would be matched up against a Saint Bernard from an 80s movie.)
Then some montage scene started up, a 250 pound (fat) Tarantino struck up some fancy footwork, back and forth and struck the dummy some good blows before getting into a clinch... a slow motion scene ensued (continuity got it wrong becoz there was a brand new fresh gummy ear on the dummy despite Tyson having bit and spat it off already)... finally Tarantino did a Tyson and bit the ear off and spat it out on the floor." As this happened, emotionally charged music played and it was a highly emotionally charged moment and many of the extras and the LA Times reporters, etc, wept openly and everyone hugged afterwards.
Even Tyson was weeping, "that was really beautiful," he said.
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 153
"Look Mr. Beethoven," said the Russian govt. former KGB agents-cum-movie producers, "being 'in the game' is a lifelong commitment, you have to make lifelong relationships with horrible showbiz types like Dave Letterman and Conan O'Brien so you can sell your product on their shows... you have to develop relationships with producers, actors, all kinds of people, it's a big showbiz game... now in order to build you some credibility with the masses, and it's a help that you are already a household name because of your beautiful music from the beginning of the 19th century, still, the masses today are very stupid, and when you say Beethoven to them, they think of a loveable Saint Bernard dog from the 1980s -- it's like when you say KGB or Russia to them they think of Rosa Kleb from the James Bond movie, 'From Russia with Love'..."
Beethoven remembered the scene where Rosa Kleb punched one of the Russian spies in the gut and he didn't even flinch.
"Now Beethoven, in order to build you some fame and credibility, and we pity you lest that fame overwhelm you, as it is often a complex calculus of stupidity - the whole fame thing, so many famous people produce trash that is most often forgotten over time, while the Beethovens of this world gather steam with each passing century, their work, timeless."
"Thank you," said Beethoven.
"Well Beethoven, you're not going to thank us for what we will tell you now, you see, human society, being what it has become, a farsical, whimsical idiot parade, it is no longer possible to produce art for the masses, in terms of a big budget movie, without pandering to silly publicity stunts or PR stunts..."
"Okay, what do you have in mind," said Beethoven, "it couldn't be much worse then kissing various Catholic Princes arses in order to be able to survive back in my own time..."
"You'll see if that's true or not Beethoven, for you see, we realize that the best way to build your fame sufficiently is to schedule a number of high profile celebrity boxing matches... you will take on a number of filmakers and other entertainment industry celebrities in the boxing ring, this will bring the necessary public attention needed to stimulate interest in any movies you might make -- elsewise we might not even be able to get the big names like Depp to sign on... without these powerful priests approval, it's impossible to bring in the big bucks..."
"Okay, fuck it, let's do it," said Beethoven good naturedly - throwing a few punches into the air and ducking and weaving.
The Russian producers smiled at eachother and said, "excellent, your first fight has been scheduled and you'll be taking on a famous Hollywood filmmaker, Quentin Tarantino, he's been training hard for the bout but he is overweight and we believe with the right preparation, you will beat him at the odds."
"Bring it on!" said Beethoven and smiled.
* * *
For Beethoven's boxing benefit, Dolph Lungren's Apollo was brought in as a suitable trainer, he had the great Russian accent and knocked the crap out of Rocky a million times.
Said Dolph Lungren's Apollo who spoke in a thick-Russian accent, unlike the Russians at Texas Town where the training was carried out who all spoke like Texans: "Look, mister Beethoven "one two step, one two step..."
and as the cheesy Hollywood style would have it Ciara;Ciara featuring Missy Elliott - 1, 2 Step begins playing in the gym and on the screens there and Dolph Lungren starts skipping rope doing all kinds of fancy footwork while skipping rope.
Beethoven remembered the scene where Rosa Kleb punched one of the Russian spies in the gut and he didn't even flinch.
"Now Beethoven, in order to build you some fame and credibility, and we pity you lest that fame overwhelm you, as it is often a complex calculus of stupidity - the whole fame thing, so many famous people produce trash that is most often forgotten over time, while the Beethovens of this world gather steam with each passing century, their work, timeless."
"Thank you," said Beethoven.
"Well Beethoven, you're not going to thank us for what we will tell you now, you see, human society, being what it has become, a farsical, whimsical idiot parade, it is no longer possible to produce art for the masses, in terms of a big budget movie, without pandering to silly publicity stunts or PR stunts..."
"Okay, what do you have in mind," said Beethoven, "it couldn't be much worse then kissing various Catholic Princes arses in order to be able to survive back in my own time..."
"You'll see if that's true or not Beethoven, for you see, we realize that the best way to build your fame sufficiently is to schedule a number of high profile celebrity boxing matches... you will take on a number of filmakers and other entertainment industry celebrities in the boxing ring, this will bring the necessary public attention needed to stimulate interest in any movies you might make -- elsewise we might not even be able to get the big names like Depp to sign on... without these powerful priests approval, it's impossible to bring in the big bucks..."
"Okay, fuck it, let's do it," said Beethoven good naturedly - throwing a few punches into the air and ducking and weaving.
The Russian producers smiled at eachother and said, "excellent, your first fight has been scheduled and you'll be taking on a famous Hollywood filmmaker, Quentin Tarantino, he's been training hard for the bout but he is overweight and we believe with the right preparation, you will beat him at the odds."
"Bring it on!" said Beethoven and smiled.
* * *
For Beethoven's boxing benefit, Dolph Lungren's Apollo was brought in as a suitable trainer, he had the great Russian accent and knocked the crap out of Rocky a million times.
Said Dolph Lungren's Apollo who spoke in a thick-Russian accent, unlike the Russians at Texas Town where the training was carried out who all spoke like Texans: "Look, mister Beethoven "one two step, one two step..."
and as the cheesy Hollywood style would have it Ciara;Ciara featuring Missy Elliott - 1, 2 Step begins playing in the gym and on the screens there and Dolph Lungren starts skipping rope doing all kinds of fancy footwork while skipping rope.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 152
Beethoven continued talks with his producers...
"Look Mr. Beethoven, it's good to have these big names to sell your movies but alot of these people are silly clowns... I want to show you a completely different type of actor, here in Russia, during the height of the cold war, we trained some of our spies that were to be sent to America to infiltrate and gain secrets, most notably to get the information on how to build a nuclear bomb which we got from Americans in New Mexico... we're gonna take you to one facility outside Moscow we used to call 'Texas Town.'" Said one of the Russian producers.
"Why did you call it Texas Town?" asked Beethoven.
"Becoz everyone and everything there was a postcard copy of a Texas Town, down to the most minute detail; come."
And with that, the mis-en-scene cut to some happy feelgood music like in the movie where Ben Stiller and Wilson ride long-handle-barred motorbikes to visit Snoop Dogg and kiss the hand on his wand and ask for a favor; and Beethoven and the producers went a-riding to Texas Town.
Texas Town was a real revelation to Beethoven, for here in the heart of Russia was a town that in all respects resembled a town in Texas, where everyone spoke Texan English, where you could buy Malt from a drugstore and go square-dancing; in fact, some square-dancers waved at Beethoven and his producers and called out happily: 'Don't be a square, daddy-o!'.
"So you see Mr. Beethoven, we can recommend you include a number of our actors from Texas Town here, for you see, if they are good enough actors to infiltrate American society and steal the ultimate secret: how to make a nuclear bomb, you must agree, they are even greater actors than the puppet broadway performer-cum-terrorist fighter in Team America, World Police, wouldn't you agree?" asked one of the producers.
"I guess so," said Beethoven.
"So we recommend these performers do the heavy lifting and then have some bratty flakes with cool sounding names and which come from fashionable countries like England and Australia and America to do the sexy work; what do you think?"
"It sounds interesting," said Beethoven.
* * *
Parker and Stone from South Park looked into their family photos albums and reminisced (in French): "remember when we shat on eachother's chests and washed it off in the river?" asked Parker to Stone.
"Yes," said Stone, "I'm so glad we got that shit of our chests. Look here we are on that plane full of chinese American citizens that couldn't speak any English, shitting in each other's mouths!"
"The shit that came out of your mouth that day! My lord!" chided Parker good-naturedly.
"Look Mr. Beethoven, it's good to have these big names to sell your movies but alot of these people are silly clowns... I want to show you a completely different type of actor, here in Russia, during the height of the cold war, we trained some of our spies that were to be sent to America to infiltrate and gain secrets, most notably to get the information on how to build a nuclear bomb which we got from Americans in New Mexico... we're gonna take you to one facility outside Moscow we used to call 'Texas Town.'" Said one of the Russian producers.
"Why did you call it Texas Town?" asked Beethoven.
"Becoz everyone and everything there was a postcard copy of a Texas Town, down to the most minute detail; come."
And with that, the mis-en-scene cut to some happy feelgood music like in the movie where Ben Stiller and Wilson ride long-handle-barred motorbikes to visit Snoop Dogg and kiss the hand on his wand and ask for a favor; and Beethoven and the producers went a-riding to Texas Town.
Texas Town was a real revelation to Beethoven, for here in the heart of Russia was a town that in all respects resembled a town in Texas, where everyone spoke Texan English, where you could buy Malt from a drugstore and go square-dancing; in fact, some square-dancers waved at Beethoven and his producers and called out happily: 'Don't be a square, daddy-o!'.
"So you see Mr. Beethoven, we can recommend you include a number of our actors from Texas Town here, for you see, if they are good enough actors to infiltrate American society and steal the ultimate secret: how to make a nuclear bomb, you must agree, they are even greater actors than the puppet broadway performer-cum-terrorist fighter in Team America, World Police, wouldn't you agree?" asked one of the producers.
"I guess so," said Beethoven.
"So we recommend these performers do the heavy lifting and then have some bratty flakes with cool sounding names and which come from fashionable countries like England and Australia and America to do the sexy work; what do you think?"
"It sounds interesting," said Beethoven.
* * *
Parker and Stone from South Park looked into their family photos albums and reminisced (in French): "remember when we shat on eachother's chests and washed it off in the river?" asked Parker to Stone.
"Yes," said Stone, "I'm so glad we got that shit of our chests. Look here we are on that plane full of chinese American citizens that couldn't speak any English, shitting in each other's mouths!"
"The shit that came out of your mouth that day! My lord!" chided Parker good-naturedly.
mumble mumble afghanistan, part 151
after O'Reilly and body-language lady and the CIA head of Bin Laden hunting group finished analyzing all the shocks the terrorist went through with the electrodes on his testicles, body-language lady said:
"...see how he lets his shoulders drop there and breaths all the air out of his lungs like that and his head droops after they tell him the session is over and turn off the electrode machine? ... that's a sign of relief," said body-language lady.... now this is really interesting, the interrogators come back in a minute later, there they are there, and they give him a christmas present, you can see the package with its ribbons and bows... but if you look at his body-language, you see his body muscles tense up, as if he is bracing for a blow, that is defensive body language, and on his face you can see the same thing... i'm just saying is all," said body-language lady.
"...see how he lets his shoulders drop there and breaths all the air out of his lungs like that and his head droops after they tell him the session is over and turn off the electrode machine? ... that's a sign of relief," said body-language lady.... now this is really interesting, the interrogators come back in a minute later, there they are there, and they give him a christmas present, you can see the package with its ribbons and bows... but if you look at his body-language, you see his body muscles tense up, as if he is bracing for a blow, that is defensive body language, and on his face you can see the same thing... i'm just saying is all," said body-language lady.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)