"Look Mr. Beethoven," said the Russian govt. former KGB agents-cum-movie producers, "being 'in the game' is a lifelong commitment, you have to make lifelong relationships with horrible showbiz types like Dave Letterman and Conan O'Brien so you can sell your product on their shows... you have to develop relationships with producers, actors, all kinds of people, it's a big showbiz game... now in order to build you some credibility with the masses, and it's a help that you are already a household name because of your beautiful music from the beginning of the 19th century, still, the masses today are very stupid, and when you say Beethoven to them, they think of a loveable Saint Bernard dog from the 1980s -- it's like when you say KGB or Russia to them they think of Rosa Kleb from the James Bond movie, 'From Russia with Love'..."
Beethoven remembered the scene where Rosa Kleb punched one of the Russian spies in the gut and he didn't even flinch.
"Now Beethoven, in order to build you some fame and credibility, and we pity you lest that fame overwhelm you, as it is often a complex calculus of stupidity - the whole fame thing, so many famous people produce trash that is most often forgotten over time, while the Beethovens of this world gather steam with each passing century, their work, timeless."
"Thank you," said Beethoven.
"Well Beethoven, you're not going to thank us for what we will tell you now, you see, human society, being what it has become, a farsical, whimsical idiot parade, it is no longer possible to produce art for the masses, in terms of a big budget movie, without pandering to silly publicity stunts or PR stunts..."
"Okay, what do you have in mind," said Beethoven, "it couldn't be much worse then kissing various Catholic Princes arses in order to be able to survive back in my own time..."
"You'll see if that's true or not Beethoven, for you see, we realize that the best way to build your fame sufficiently is to schedule a number of high profile celebrity boxing matches... you will take on a number of filmakers and other entertainment industry celebrities in the boxing ring, this will bring the necessary public attention needed to stimulate interest in any movies you might make -- elsewise we might not even be able to get the big names like Depp to sign on... without these powerful priests approval, it's impossible to bring in the big bucks..."
"Okay, fuck it, let's do it," said Beethoven good naturedly - throwing a few punches into the air and ducking and weaving.
The Russian producers smiled at eachother and said, "excellent, your first fight has been scheduled and you'll be taking on a famous Hollywood filmmaker, Quentin Tarantino, he's been training hard for the bout but he is overweight and we believe with the right preparation, you will beat him at the odds."
"Bring it on!" said Beethoven and smiled.
* * *
For Beethoven's boxing benefit, Dolph Lungren's Apollo was brought in as a suitable trainer, he had the great Russian accent and knocked the crap out of Rocky a million times.
Said Dolph Lungren's Apollo who spoke in a thick-Russian accent, unlike the Russians at Texas Town where the training was carried out who all spoke like Texans: "Look, mister Beethoven "one two step, one two step..."
and as the cheesy Hollywood style would have it Ciara;Ciara featuring Missy Elliott - 1, 2 Step begins playing in the gym and on the screens there and Dolph Lungren starts skipping rope doing all kinds of fancy footwork while skipping rope.
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