At a party in Texas Town, some pa-Ruskinos summoned Beethoven to a toast:
"Beethoven, drink from this punchbowl, a toast, to boxing," said one Texas-towner Ruski and drew a crystal spoon from the large crystal punch-bowl and poured a cupful of punch into Beethoven's cup, "here's to your success in your coming bouts."
"About the a... bouts..." said Beethoven, "I know my first bout is coming very soon in Tunisia, but then, who shall i be fighting after that, I am sure I will win."
"After your first bout you will take on Jay Leno, then Cornjob O'Brien and then songstress Rhianna," announced Colonel Igor of Texas-Town (the secret KGB facility) near Moscow.
"Who are these Leno, O'Brien and Rhianna?" asked Beethoven.
"The first is an insolent, impudent jokester on American TV, impresindible in today's film-making world for showcasing movies to the American public, if you don't want to be working in Bollywood or Russia or some other market, you need to develop a relationship with Leno," explained Igor.
"What is his character?" asked Beethoven.
The answer came back, "loveable jokester arsehole, it is rumored upon being born into this Earth he laughed at his own mother because of the pain she endured in childbirth, nobody has stumbled in his vicinity without being laughed at, even if that fall was from a motorcycle and followed by a bus crushing said falling rider's helmet under its heavy wheels."
"Oh... ok," said Beethoven.
"He will be easy to beat, another fat blob like your first oponent tomorrow in Tunisia; then comes Cornjob O'Brien," went on Igor before the intent party of Texas-Towners drinking punch.
"Well what's he like?" asked Beethoven.
"He's a certified mentally ill crazy gay attention whore. He'll do anything for attention and ultimately adoration of the masses, including, most notably recently, propelling himself on the ground along on his fists while he dragged his inert legs behind him on the ground like a snail -- he actually left a trail along the ground doing this -- anything for attention... he's not at all fat and if he's in training he will be hard to beat, his trainer is Arnold Schwarzeneggar, but he does Arnold's voice himself... if you make it past him you'll be up against Rhianna, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
* * *
The next night in Tunisia, Beethoven's first opponent showed up dressed as Grimace (the big purple cone-shaped guy from the Ronald McDonald franchise), driving a brand-new slick black Porsche Boxster convertible. Creepily, Ronald McDonald was in his corner along with HamBurgler. Beethoven was dressed in normal trunks, not at all like an abstract purple-blob character. Beethoven's first opponent's face protruded through a circle in Grimace's facial area, other than that his body was hidden by purple blob, perhaps to hide his true body size.
The two squared off to face eachother before the bout to hit gloves and stare eachother down,
Beethoven said, "boy, they better run some hose from your arsehole to your mouth, coz you're about to eat like a ton 'a shit," and Beethoven spat and gave his dirtiest stare.
Contrarily, Beethoven's first opponent, perhaps trying to play it cool, merely said, "set a spell."
And the two returned to their stools... Grimace was attended to by Ronald McDonald, Beethoven by Apollo from the Rocky franchise.
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